Another blogger asked me some questions that got me thinking. If you know anything about me that is the worst thing that could happen. I think about something, over analyze it, decide that it relates to me somehow and then it festers. Without an outlet to purge these lovely thoughts it makes it difficult to not let them overwhelm me. The funny thing is the question is really not even the point of this post or directly connected to what I am writing. Instead my mind created a windy path of thoughts that led me to this place and now it won’t leave.
It is well documented (at least by me on my blog) that I have trust and control issues. I don’t know why but I have never had anyone that I can fully trust. I mean 100% trust, I could tell them that I am a serial killer and I want to kill their baby and they would not bat an eye. They would listen and provide their thoughts on the topic, not tell me what to do but just give me a different perspective so I can see it in a new light. I also have said many times that perspective is everything. How you see something is your reality. So here is where I am now.
I have been thinking about all the people I trust in my life and at what levels I trust them. What I have found is that, for me, the more the trust builds the farther I pull away from the person in which the trust is building. The less and less I want to share with them. I know this seems ridiculous. Why would I share less with someone I trust versus someone I don’t trust. It makes no sense whatsoever. I can see that I do it though. I can remember a time when I would tell my wife everything. I was an open book. As we got closer and closer I have began putting up barriers to parts of my past and parts of my desires. Things I am not sure I want to share. I even know I am doing it and I cannot help it.
After a lot of introspection because of the question I was asked, I think I have come up with an answer. It is an answer to why I do it, not so much how to stop. In fact, I have no idea if I can stop, not after everything. I think that the closer I get to someone, I care more about how they view me and feel about me. I want them to like me, so I close off the parts they may not like about me or are difficult. I bury them in the dark side of my brain and keep them there. This all makes sense to me.
I have had very few people close to me and I believe because of that I want to keep them there. So I hide the things I need to share the most. I push these things away in an effort to keep those people close. However, if I do not know the person and will never see them again, the risk is very small and I think I could tell them things I would not tell anyone else. I think this is one of the factors that led to my demise. I could not trust the people I needed the most because I was afraid of losing them, but I was okay sharing information to people I would never meet (kind of like this blog).
This puts me in a difficult position now because of the things that I have done. I have ruined the trust I had with the person who is closest to me. The one person who I should be able to trust the most, tell anything to without fear of being judged. She will never fully trust me again. So I don’t know how I can either. I don’t know how I can trust myself or her. I am stuck.
The main area I need to fix is that I cannot trust myself. It is not that I think I will turn into a crazy person or have another affair, that is not what I mean. I mean that I cannot trust myself to believe that I will be okay in the end. That if I was to open that side of me, that I would come out the other side whole. I am terrified about what would happen. I used to be a very angry individual, extremely angry. I was not violent, at least not to others or animals, just angry. I would release this anger through physical activities. I would just leave and run a dozen or so miles, just burning it off. It would always come back. It wasn’t until I was able to bury all the things that made me angry that I was able to move forward. This is why my wife has only really seen the fun, safe side of me. I learned how to bury things very quickly. However, there have been times when I was so angry that when I began exercising I blackout. Not pass out, I would just not remember anything about what I had done. I could remember leaving or starting the activity and then come to hours later. I would still be doing whatever the activity of choice was that day but I would not have any idea how long I had been at it or where I had ran or anything about the activity. Then the exhaustion would hit me and I would struggle home. This is always a scary feeling for me because I know how angry I am and I worry about what could happen when I am not coherent. It scares me because I have no control. So I keep myself under control. I keep myself in check and I bury the things that make me angry before they can get big enough to put me in that place. If I can get rid of them quick enough then I feel there is no risk. So I don’t know that I can trust myself to let those things out now. I don’t know where all that anger would go. I don’t know how I would react. I don’t know if I could even make it through myself safely. With so many unknowns and not even factoring in her reaction, it is too difficult for me to trust myself to let go.
If I cannot trust myself then how can I really trust her. I know I am holding back and so I assume everyone else is as well. As she tells me things I sometimes wonder what else is there to this or what is she not telling me. She has done nothing to provoke this, it is just inside myself that I have these insecurities. I want to trust her. I want her to love me completely, but now I know that she will never completely trust me again. I don’t blame her but still part of me is so hurt that I took that away from us and ruined the chance for me to let these things out. I have wounded both of us and put a tear in our marriage that will never fully heal. There will always be a scar there reminding us of what happened. I have hurt her so much that she will never look at me the same. She will never be able listen to what I have to say without a hint of skepticism. I am just lost as to where to go. I am working towards building her trust in me, even if it is only a small amount but I have no idea how to build it in myself or to build my trust in her.