Where Are We Really Going?….Does Anyone Really Know How To Drive This Bus?


What is there in life we are working towards?  Happiness does not exist so what is it that we get up each day and try and move towards, love?  Also an imaginary goal.  So what is it?  I don’t know, I don’t know that anyone really knows.

In one thought from my positive side says that life is what we want to make of it.  If we want to get up everyday and move towards the things that make you feel good inside then that should be enough.  This would obviously be different for every individual.  Love would then be nothing more than a closely related goals and the way you want to achieve those goals.  Two people who look at life from a similar perspective and want to move toward that same things, whatever they may be.  The catch to all this is that I don’t really think we know what we are really moving towards.  That is why we rely on the “feelings” we get to understand where to direct our attention.

When I say all this I am not referring to the tangible things in life.  If that were the case then it would be very easy to find someone else who would like a house, a dog and 1.5 kids.  I am referring to the intangible things we have deep down in our subconscious.  We want things we don’t know exist but are guided by some internal compass that helps us find our way.  Then we find someone who connects to the intangibles deep inside me and we can feel that connection.  This is what love could be.  It easily explain all the questions of love.  Is there love at first sight?  I think the more connected you are to your own intangibles the easier it is to find someone who is aligned with you.  So when you see that person you may feel that instant connection.  Is it love at first sight?  Maybe love at first connection.  What about is there only one soul mate out there for me?  This one would be a little tricky, but I would have to say there must be someone who aligns themselves closer to your set of intangibles than anyone else.  But that does not mean that there are not others who are very close as well.  That is why we can “love” more than one person, but we always still seem to “love” that person even if they are not good for you.

This leads me to answer the question of if two people are aligned then how can they not be right for each other.  The closer you are to your own connection the stronger and quicker you will feel the connection.  But just because you are close during one point in your life does not mean that you stay that way.  If you stop working on keeping that connection with yourself then you will drift father apart from your own connection, which then leads you to also drift farther apart from the person you share a connection with.    You can get so far away that neither of you feel that connection anymore.  One of you may still feel it because you are still connected with yourself, but it takes two to tango.  This could eventually lead to not wanting to be with that person anymore because you no longer have that connection.  You will always remember how that connection felt and so you will always “love” that person but you part ways.  As I said this is the positive side of me, as for my other side, the dark side, I see things very differently.

What are we working towards in life?  Well, that is simple – death.  It is really the only thing you can continuously move closer to as you go throughout life.  It is the one constant that will never change.  Eventually it will come.  I think that we have this morbid idea that we may someday be able to live forever, but that is something we need to tell ourselves to continue to move forward each day.  We are living in a big delusion and each of our delusions is different than everyone elses.  As we interact with each other and we make our own movie we feed off each others delusions to make ours more realistic, more “sensible”.  But does any of it really make sense?    Not really.  We all just keep trying to make our delusion better so it distracts you more from the end.  This is what we are working towards each day.  We are working to make our delusion better so this distraction is greater than the pull at the end.  But in the end all life is – is a distracting delusion to hide death.

So my two halves with each their own perspective, but it makes going through life so difficult.  When my dark side has stepped forward and seems to be at the controls, I constantly ask what am I doing all this for?  None of it really matters so why bother.  I view people different.  I wonder what they want.  What do they want from me to add to their delusion?  That is all that people are in this view.  People are consumers of delusions.  They want to take parts of yours to make theirs better.  They are here just to watch me as I move closer to death and use it to fuel their distorted version of “reality”.  This dark side makes it difficult to ever hand controls over to my brighter side.  In fact, up until the last few years that darker side almost never had the controls.  Even with everything I grew up with, I did not let that side control me.  Now however, that side is controlling me more often and the more that side is at the controls the more realistic the delusion which makes it even difficult to allow the brighter side wrestle back control.  Even when the brighter side does get control the darker side is right there next to the controls just waiting for the brighter side to get distracted just long enough to grab them.  It is a constant battle that no one wins.  Unless you consider reaching the end a success, in which case we all win in the end.  I am not advocating for reaching that end earlier than needed.  I don’t think any of us really need help in that area as it will get there eventually.

So where am I now?  I am at a weird place.  I feel like both sides have stepped back and have left it on cruise control.  I can feel my dark side right there sitting next to me drinking a bottle of whiskey and on the other side I can feel my brighter side wrapped in a warm blanket sipping on hot chocolate.  I am just sitting here between them, not really there, but there.  It is hard to explain.  It is like I am a ghost that can watch everything that goes one, but I cannot do anything about it.  I have got my popcorn and now I am just sitting watching it all unfold in front of me.  I don’t really know what this means.  I know I need the dark side of me.  He is the keeper of secrets and if he goes all the secrets are let loose.  I know I need the brighter side because even if all we are doing is moving toward death then we might as well make it the best we can and find someone to share it with but this side is not always the most responsible.  It often acts before it thinks things through, which leads to obvious problems.  So I don’t have an answer.  I am wondering which side is going to win out or can I keep them both and just work the balance as I always have.  Use the darker side when I need it to protect myself, to hide things and store them away.   And keep the brighter side for the outward appearance and the few connections I really have.

I know there is no answer to my original question and in reality if there was I am not sure I could handle it right now.  No I need to sit here between my two halves and wait it out.

About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
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7 Responses to Where Are We Really Going?….Does Anyone Really Know How To Drive This Bus?

  1. It’s a difficult roller coaster to ride. My 32 year marriage was easier to end emotionally than my 18 month relationship. Because of the “connection”. And the connection is still there….sigh. But I move on…because I have to. It’s been hard, but it’s possible. This is a well expressed, response to a really hard situation. You’re doing the work, it will pay off.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. gijoefun79 says:

    We all also change throughout our lives due to multiple factors. This can cause us to become closer to some people while still drifting away from others. I feel as if I am in the same theater you are. Riding my boat in the middle somewhere most of the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This post really reflects your internal state of mind – right now it makes no sense, but I can see you trying to make sense of it by writing it out.

    I don’t agree with your theory on love here. I think loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you need to align in the “intangibles”. Certainly, that makes loving someone and being together easier. But part of love is also to compromise, tolerate differences of opinions, and despite the differences and misalignment in different things, to come together and still walk together through life as allies.

    As for connections – we as humans have the capacity to connect with numerous people everyday. And certainly, we can care for and love many people. But these connections are different, and while the emotions may be similar, it is our ultimate choices and actions that define these relationship. While you may feel that connection with another woman, its your actions to choose to walk away, to not cross boundaries, that define your love to your wife as a husband. Emotions don’t define relationships – they are too erratic, and fleeting. At the end of the day, we choose to define our relationships regardless of how we may feel at the time. And we have to choose our priorities, and to put our relationship and commitment to the ones we swore to love first.

    We all have a “dark” side and a “bright” side- and I would argue that it’s not a bad thing. We all have many facets to us and influence our decisions. In fact i think having a “good” and “bad” side of us is what makes us humans. But balancing all this out .. that’s the tricky part we need to figure out. Definitely not easy. But that’s life – and after everything and all the introspection that’s happened, maybe you’re just more sensitive to this now.

    As for your original question … wouldn’t everyone like to know where we’d all end up?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m definately waiting for death. It couldn’t get here soon enough for a victim (me) in an abusive marriage…


  5. madamewriter says:

    Indeed…the mutual delusions fissure together to form a shaky “reality.” Word of advice – keep the delusions, reality is too coarse w/o. I have been feeling like a ghost for months now, like watching the show of life w/o a remote. You are onto the strain though, realizing the limits of the human experience. Good reason, what do we do? Once delusion is shattered {where I am at in life} the individual sees that nothing is real or true: everything is a figment of subjective interpretation. I feel more alien than spectral at this point, someone please give me the blue pill as the red pill was too intense.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think limbo is an okay place to be. It’s an acknowledgement that you’re moving away from the darkness but not quite out of it yet.


  7. Let go says:

    Not too many years ago I was driving across the country to a university for some research. It was a Sunday in the spring. It was a beautiful day as can be in the South in the Spring. The dogwoods and azaleas were blooming and the sky was so, so blue. The only cost to me was a few gallons of gas. The joy was free. That day I realized that there is a God. Not that He made things beautiful. He gave me the gift of KNOWING it. I wish you joy in the small things.


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