I am locked inside my own head and I really think it is the scariest place anyone could ever be. Since the last post it has been a little difficult but as I said I am putting on the brave face and getting through it. One of the issues that has come up is the importance of family. This is difficult for me in some respects.
If you have read my other posts you are aware that I am no longer in contact with my family. Any of them, despite their attempts to establish some type of relationship. I want nothing to do with them. I come from a very big family and I just want to float off the radar and have them forget I am even here. However, as far from my family as I am, my wife is inversely close to her. She talks to all of her siblings and parents on a regular basis. She misses them and really wants to keep them part of our life.
When I was first dating my wife accepted me and treated me as part of their family. I spent holidays with them instead of my own family. They would celebrate my birthday where as my family wouldn’t even remember. But it was and is a difficult concept for me to understand. To me this acceptance is all conditional on my relationship with their daughter. So as we have had challenges I become less and less part of their lives. I have pretty much removed myself from them as well. This has and is causing more problems but in my little world I don’t see a way around all of it.
One of the problems is as I pull away she does the same even though she does not want to do it. She does not want to go visit without her husband, which I can understand. Her family knows we were/are having problem and even though they don’t know the extent of them they will pry. They will do more if I am not there which will make it hard on her. I know this is my issue. This is part of the elusive self-forgiveness and shame issues that I will not get over. I know I was not what they wanted for their daughter. We were too young and I had a host of problems that may occur from my upbringing. All that I did just confirms their fears about us being together, not that they assumed I would do what I did. No, it was just that I was not the one. I wish there was a way that she could be happy with her family yet I could stay out and not be a part of it.
Now I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. Her family is wonderful. For the most part they are the only real family I have even known. They let me spend more time at their house during the time we were dating than I did at my house. They showed me kindness that I was not used to at the time. I saw the interactions of their family and knew that I could never have that with my family. They had their problems, all families do, but they got through all of them by supporting each other. But how can they support this? No, they need to support and help their daughter. I am just worried she won’t let them.
This obviously makes things very difficult in my world. I return back to a time when all I could rely on was myself. I needed to figure a way to take care of myself. I have to deal with all the problems and hurt I have caused but still keep putting one foot in front of the other. I do have my wife and she is here with me as I am for her, but there are things that I don’t want or can’t talk about with her. I am alone again, but then again I never truly am alone. I will always have my biggest enemy with me, my mind. Loneliness is just a state of mind so I can control it. I can make myself not see it as a negative. Instead I will change it to not being alone, instead I am enjoying my freedom from relational constraints. Yip, that is the way I need to look at it.
My mind never stops. It just processes and evaluates and comes up with the path I need to follow. The problem is once I get something set in there that I think is fact, I will do everything I can to make sure that my mind is correct. I will have 1000 arguments that I am right, even when it is clear that I am not. My mind is like its own prison for prisoners who have gone insane. At times it is like a fun house and other times it tells me how bad everything is and how it is always my own fault. It won’t stop ever. It is one reason why I need control over the situations I put myself in because then I can manage my own thoughts, reactions, and feelings. I can predict what they will be and react accordingly. When things don’t go as planned, it throws my head into a tail spin and I struggle to complete even the simplest of tasks.
I know that what we are going through is a roller coaster but I get motion sick so I really need off before I throw up. Yesterday, was the first day I really felt like I needed to take the medications that I stopped. I still feel that way. I can feel the panic attack sitting there right on the edge just waiting for me to let my guard down for just a second so it can run me over. I have not taken anything and still won’t because I need to manage this on my own. I will get through it and I will keep plugging along.