I have been looking back a little and that really cannot be a good thing, but this time it seems different. I began this blog about 7 months ago, March 20th to be exact never once thinking that it would be what it has become and how it has morphed throughout this time. It began with Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple…Or are they? and 116 (this is 117) posts later here, around 100 Dr. Seuss quotes (who knew there were so many), 500 followers, and a lot of emotions brings me right here. This path has followed my journey in dealing with my affair, how I treated my wife, my family, and ultimately myself. I have met a lot of people who seem genuinely interested in helping and providing advice or words of support. There have been countless more who tell me that my words bring comfort to their situation, that there is hope. They hope that their husband is as regretful and interested in building a new marriage as I am. Or they see so many similarities in my story and their that it helps them understand the perspective of their spouse. I never thought my blog would be anything like this. I just needed a place to write down my thoughts and try and interpret the feelings that are overwhelming me, but I cannot understand what they are.
The last month or so has seemed to be (possibly) a turning point. I felt like I really hit rock bottom at some point. I thought at times that I could not do this and why was I even trying anymore. But then I would catch a glimpse of her looking at me, worrying about me, and I would be reminded of why. It is for her, for us. During this bad point I was miserable to be around and she knows it. We don’t talk, we avoid each other until finally one of us cannot take it anymore and we climb in bed and talk. I feel like this last month we have talked more than we have since this whole thing started. It was hard, it still is hard. It will never not be. I wanted it to go away and I wanted it to be “fixed”, but that will never happen.
This mark I have put on our marriage will always be there and I cannot change that anymore than I can change my feelings for my wife. So we have to do the best we can because in the end that is all there really is. I won’t be perfect, she won’t be perfect and I don’t want her to be. I want her filled with emotion and passion even if it is because she is pissed off at me, although I do prefer her filled with love. If this mark has to be here we might as well dress it up and make it at least look presentable. Then it can be a reminder of what we went through, but also a reminder that while we cannot change our past we can alter how we look at it. We can decide at some point that this did help our marriage. I would never recommend or do it again and I am not going to say that we are better now than when our marriage was at it’s best because that would not be true. This has not made us better, this has made us stronger. Unfortunately she will have days and reminders that all I can do is hold and comfort her through, but that is what I need to do now. It is part of making that mark seem different.
One of the big things that has helped both of us through this is music. I would listen to so much music, and not normally for the lyrics, but how the actual music made me feel. My wife could hear what I was listening to and know exactly how I felt that day. Whether I was going to be in a good mood or bad. I tried to find comfort and solace in the music but what it really gave me was time to think. I could hear the music and it would make my thoughts seem more organized in my head. They definitely were not that organized when I would try and get them out, but they seemed that way in my head. Just feeling like I had a handle on what was in my head made me feel better, more sane.
Recently I have been listening to one song over and over (as I tend to do). When I first listened to it I could not remember where I had heard it before. I had downloaded it for some reason, but I could not put my finger on it. It was probably good because it made me focus on the lyrics and think about them. Hearing these words then made me listen more and more. I tried to fit these words in my life, see where they fit. The words are short, but very true. This world is madness and the only real way to survive is to be able to laugh. Laugh at yourself, and laugh with others. You have to have faith that the person right next to you will care for you as you care for them. You have to want to walk the long dangerous road of life with someone who always keep you company even when times get tough. And you hope that the two of you can live forever with each other.
Laughter is the only thing that’ll keep you sane
In this world there’s crying more and more everyday
Don’t let evil get you down
In this madness spinning round and round
I want you to live forever
Underneath the sky so blue
Some people say faith is a childish game
Play on, children, like it’s Christmas day
Sing me a song, sing me a melody
Sing out loud, you’re a symphony
I want you to live forever
Underneath the sky so blue
I want you to live forever
Underneath the sky so blue
Take courage when the road is long
Don’t ever forget, you are never alone
I want you to live forever
Underneath the sky so blue
I want you to live forever
Underneath the sky so blue
Oh yeah, I want you to live forever
Underneath the sky so blue
Oh yeah, I want you to live forever
Underneath the sky so blue
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, ohhh
I think that I have all this right now in my wife. I don’t think I could have made a more trying time in our lives and here she is, right beside me. She is helping me down the long and dangerous road. She is fighting the things I cannot fight and I am doing the same for her. And when I took a wrong turn she went down that path and dragged me back onto our road. She knew it would be difficult and painful, but she also had faith in me even when I did not. When I thought everything was lost. She fought for me and I will never be grateful enough for her.
So after my crazy cryptic posts I have posted lately while I was falling quickly and hitting the bottom, I thought it would be good to let all you who follow me that as daunting as it seems there is always a ray of light. And usually it is by the person who is closest to you, who you married long ago, who you thought was lost but for some reason they are still there. So I have not felt this good in a long time. I am sure my wife thinks this is just another high in my roller coaster ride, but I am thinking differently. There are some differences this time. One I stopped going to my individual counselor because I felt like all it was doing was bringing all the negative feelings I had back up to the surface. So once a week I was being reminded of how horrible of a person I was or am. I have cut back on my medications. I am slowly trying to stop taking them so I can feel normal again. So far I have done very well since I have stopped taking two of the medications. The biggest thing is I am trying to be what I once was, I am trying to go back to the funny, happy-go-lucky guy that I used to be. I am trying to be that bundle of energy and the bright spot of people’s day. So far it has been working and I can also tell that my wife has been trying lately as well. She has been trying to be more connected to me, even if it is only for the hour we have together that day.
So am I better? Nope, but I am getting better everyday I am with her. Have I learned to forgive myself? Nope, I really think that is an impossible task, but what is important is that she wants to be with me anyways. She is incredibly important to me and I don’t know what I would do without her. The thought of it is more scary than any part of my marriage. But I want to make sure she will be happy. We are still going to counseling together and she is going alone because I want her to be happy being here. I don’t want her to be here because she cannot see an alternative. But I don’t think she would fight as hard as she has if that truly was the case. All I really know is that as long as I fight alongside her we will live forever, together.
~B
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
I have this song on my iPod too. It really rings true, especially when things are at their worst. It sounds as if a bit of a corner has been turned, and I hope that’s a continuum for you both. It really is amazing, isn’t it? To have a woman who loves you and fights for you in the face of even the direst of circumstances. Who has the patience and will to mend the broken bond. You’re lucky to have each other. And though forgiveness, true forgiveness, may still be a ways off, it appears y’all are definitely on the right path. This is a great post, and I’m happy to read it, for you both.
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Good for you Bac. Although I must say, a lot of this post sounds like things I’ve been trying to say all along. I’m glad you got there yourself. And what’s more, I think you’re starting to recognize love. It’s not something that we simply feel at any given time, or things we do or say. Love is something that works underneath, and brings a strength to the relationship to care for and protect those we love under the hardest of circumstances. I think this is probably one of the hardest concepts for people – that love is found in the worst of times. When 2 people desperately try to save their relationship when everything, even yourself, threatens to tear you both apart. You have a wife that really loves you, and you love her. Cherish that always.
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Yes, you and a number of other people have told me this over and over, but I don’t think it is something that you can take someone else’s word for. At least not for me. I think one of the best things I did though was lose the pills. They were prescribed to help me deal with it but I think they kept me in an artificial world and made it hard for me to get out. It does not mean I did not need them and my wife might say I still do, but I think it has made this “feel” better, without the fog.
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I agree with you. I work with medications, and they should always be considered as an adjunct, not primary therapy. If you no longer want to harm yourself, and are motivated, then get off those pills. At the very least, you’ll be able to process your emotions clearly and to feel like you’re living in the real world without the influence of medications.
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Again, I have taken some distance and come back to find a post from you. And, dare I say, my husband and I are in a similar positive place?
Another odd similarity is that he is now officially off all of his mood/anxiety medications and this has made a huge difference in our progress. The one he was on during the length of the affair was the worst for him and he ended it 9 days after switching to a new one, and this most recent one was much better but still numbing and he needed to feel the range of his emotions. I believe I mentioned to you that I needed to see him express his feelings and truly as soon as he was off his medication he has been able to do this. He does have anxiety and depression issues, but right now I think we are doing better just getting to HIM and how he feels underneath all of it. He has been expressing nearly the exact sentiments you did in this post, and told me he would rather have me with my emotional highs and lows than not at all. And I am getting over the hurt of having to do the bulk of the work to get him to see what he needed to do to start repairing us – honestly I think he felt like he did too much damage and he was afraid to try to fix us and fail. He is now finally doing the work and reacting like a man who gets it. I never wanted him to hurt. But I wanted him to not hurt me again. And I am sure we will falter, but I can’t imagine my life without him. Your blog did give me hope that he was like you – and I think I was right. I am pretty happy for all of us. We all deserve happiness. xx
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