It has been a while since I have posted and I do have my reasons for this, however it has not been easy. The hardest part of this whole journey has been getting things through my own head and at that I am miserable. I get something stuck in my head and for some reason I cannot get it out. It does not matter if it is reasonable or not, but once it is in there it does not want to come out. I focus on it. I obsess. I won’t let it go. However, I have found writing to be helpful in that I can read what I write and then I see how ridiculous I have been or how much I have misinterpreted something. It helps me move past things and realize where I was right and mostly where I was wrong. And most importantly it gives me a different perspective with all the comments I get from all of you.
I wish I could get on here and say that the reason I have not been on is because everything has been so good between my wife and myself, that I have not needed to be one here to put my thoughts down and organize how I feel, unfortunately that is far from the case. While we are not doing great, we are also not doing horribly. Instead I feel like we are coasting and sliding. We are coasting through the days and slowly sliding back into the same patterns that were so devastating to me before. This is so sickening to me because for some reason I just cannot say anything to her about it. I cannot tell her how much it hurts and how much it makes me sick to see us heading right back down that path. In this I know that it is very much my fault as I put us in a lose-lose situation of sorts and because I cannot speak up to help make the changes I want so they will never occur. I do this because I don’t feel like I deserve them. It makes me feel selfish and that is something I am tired of feeling.
Here is my problem: How do I speak up when what I want and need she directly relates to my affair? How do I ask her to do something that makes her sick with the comparison issues I have created inside her? The answer is I can’t. I cannot put her through that. I cannot hurt her, so I put myself aside and try and make it through everyday. I work one day at a time and see where this will get us. Our couples counselor asked me if I am still apologizing for my actions. I am and I believe I always will to which she agreed. She said I will always need to be able to truly apologize for my actions next year, 5 years from now, 10 years from now. Each time will get father and farther apart but I will always need to be able to be ready to express that regret. We will never know when a trigger will pop up down the road.
So when do I get to worry about what I need? Or better yet, when do I get to express what has been going wrong that makes it difficult for me to continue down this journey. When do I express that I want to be important to other people than who I work with. We have obviously been having problems for years, as most affairs, mine included, do not just spring up over night. They are built on many years of unresolved issues and a lack of communication between the couple. We are no exception. Right now I am doing a great job of trying to put her and our kids ahead of me, but it does take its tole on me. But then I try and think about how selfish I was one year ago and I push through.
Last year during this time, our marriage was the worst it has ever been. I was nonexistent and to be fair she was not invested too much in our marriage either but she was trying to invest time in herself after years of neglect. Could I blame her? No, I had been pushing her to do it for years, yet the timing of her actually doing it could not of been worse, as it alienated the two of us even more. And then there is the string of important dates and trips that are coming up that will all be hard to deal with. This month (September) – our anniversary. She has told me it is going to be so hard know that last year I sat across from her and lied to her face (that stung and I almost threw up hearing it, but I fully deserved it). It is the moment that she has burned into her memory about our anniversary. She knew we were in trouble and really tried to make an effort, where as I was unsure what was going to happen let alone what I should do. I have always been the one that goes over the top on anniversaries, birthday’s and holidays. Which led to an awkward and tortured event. It hurt too much. And we have more scheduled again this year. October, We have upcoming trips. Last year I was out of town a lot and during those trips I hardly ever stayed in touch with my wife. I just did not want to do it. Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, again now filled with painful memories of how I treated our marriage and her. November – DDay #1 and Thanksgiving all rolled into one. Add in the family traditions that we did not do and how we struggled to even get out of bed during that time. How neglected the kids must have felt and unimportant my wife was feeling and I get a double serving of a pain and angst. December – Christmas, Birthday, – all filled with depressing memories about betrayal, lies and deceit. New Years Eve, New Years Day – Two of the worst possible times that are branded in her mind. The worst of the worst. I was in Florida with the OW while she sat at home alone and no one to celebrate with. Even the thought of it now makes me sick. January – DDay #2; February – Last of No contact as she finally stopped contacting me. The OW going into the hospital and I finally deciding my job was not worth salvaging. Valentines day – neither of us knew what to do with/for each other so it went be hardly celebrated. We have quite the challenging time ahead of us and I really don’t know where we will end up in all of this. I have ruined so much that I don’t know how either of us will get through it unscathed. That is a stupid comment as neither of us are unscathed even now. Our counselor wants us to reclaim all these dates and times. Take back what she stole from us. I could see how the thought seems so good, but now I have added pressure to make everything so special that it pushes everything else out. And in the end I still believe she will compare and want to know if what I did with her was better. And because there is little trust between us, will she ever believe anything I say or do or will she always question the motive behind it all. Sincerity is all in the person receiving it. If they believe it is sincere then it is, if they do not no matter how sincere it really is then it won’t be.
The only bright spot is that through all of this I know I have been truly sorry for all I have put her through and what I have put my family through. I know that I still love her and always will even if we cannot make this work any longer. We both seem to bring up the opportunity costs associated with staying and if they outweigh the benefits. In other words, is it worth it? Do we spend two years working on it when in the end it does not work out? Where does that leave us? Two years older, bitter and in a more difficult position than we are now. So that is a topic that seems to resurface. I would not say regularly but often enough to make me uncomfortable. Then again I already wrote about it in my 98% post and how she really has every right to have those feelings. It is my job to try and rebuild them. But can I believe them myself?
Now why have I stopped posting. I am sure many of you are wondering. If it was so beneficial then why stop? I have two reasons. 1. It has made my wife uncomfortable. She thinks that my blog just took place of the affair. All the attention that I was showering on the OW I have replaced and put into the blog. I do not think that was exactly correct, but what I can take away from it is that she wished I spent more time with her and payed attention to her, instead of being here on this world. I don’t think that she really understood how helpful it has been at times for me to be here. But in the end if I am trying to make things work, I need to be flexible in how and where I spend my time. Reason #2. It sometimes felt like the blog would trap me in the past. I would focus on my problems and all that was going wrong instead of what was good in my life and the positive steps we were making. I will say that this could have a little truth to it but not too much. As I have not been blogging and I am still having good days, weeks and bad days, weeks. In the end I think am going to try one more time with a few limitations. I want to only write when she is not around. I will do it when I am at work or when she is at work. Next, I only want to do it if I feel it is helping me. I do want to feel obligated to write. I don’t know that I ever did, but I do not want to go there.
This bloggesphere is so unique. I see people that I got on here and connected with immediately as they too were going through difficult times and now they have slowly backed off blogging or changed the focus of their blogs. Some have emailed me and said some of the exact things I have put in this post. And others are tired of the small amount of people who are here to pass judgment on people they know nothing about, only the minor details they post here. Well, all I have ever asked for is for people to be honest with me and feel free to give me there opinions, advice, or just lend and ear and possibly sympathize a little with me or my wife. I could careless if people judge me based on the little information I give everyone, but I have tried to protect the people who are willing to put themselves out there and comment on my blog. I don’t need people making anymore drama in my life.
So what now? Where do I go from here? Where do we go from here? I wish I knew. The only bright spot of my life right now is my job. I have gone from a highly contentious and drama intense work place to a much more relaxed and friendly environment. Plus it can offer me more opportunities for advancement that I cannot get many other places. So I am excited to see where this will take me. So here I am. Kids are back in school. Work is going good, and my life is quieted down considerably. Why then do I not feel a sense of relief? Of joy that everything is finally working out? I wish I knew. I wish I could feel happiness again. I wish I could feel joy because of the man that I am in my family life. I wish I could derive satisfaction out of the role model I am for my kids. But in the end, maybe I am just teaching them that if you are who you are then that will always be good enough, just learn to accept who you are. You never know, when you get lost you may see a strange cat in a hat that will help you find the path back to where you want to go.
The cat in the hat came back – Dr. Seuss