The Cat In The Hat Came Back… Or Maybe He Is Just Passing Through

Cat comes back

It has been a while since I have posted and I do have my reasons for this, however it has not been easy.  The hardest part of this whole journey has been getting things through my own head and at that I am miserable.  I get something stuck in my head and for some reason I cannot get it out.  It does not matter if it is reasonable or not, but once it is in there it does not want to come out.   I focus on it.  I obsess.  I won’t let it go.  However, I have found writing to be helpful in that I can read what I write and then I see how ridiculous I have been or how much I have misinterpreted something.  It helps me move past things and realize where I was right and mostly where I was wrong.  And most importantly it gives me a different perspective with all the comments I get from all of you.

I wish I could get on here and say that the reason I have not been on is because everything has been so good between my wife and myself, that I have not needed to be one here to put my thoughts down and organize how I feel, unfortunately that is far from the case.  While we are not doing great, we are also not doing horribly.  Instead I feel like we are coasting and sliding.  We are coasting through the days and slowly sliding back into the same patterns that were so devastating to me before.  This is so sickening to me because for some reason I just cannot say anything to her about it.  I cannot tell her how much it hurts and how much it makes me sick to see us heading right back down that path.  In this I know that it is very much my fault as I put us in a lose-lose situation of sorts and because I cannot speak up to help make the changes I want so they  will never occur.  I do this because I don’t feel like I deserve them.  It makes me feel selfish and that is something I am tired of feeling.

Here is my problem:  How do I speak up when what I want and need she directly relates to my affair?  How do I ask her to do something that makes her sick with the comparison issues I have created inside her?  The answer is I can’t.  I cannot put her through that.  I cannot hurt her, so I put myself aside and try and make it through everyday.  I work one day at a time and see where this will get us.  Our couples counselor asked me if I am still apologizing for my actions.   I am and I believe I always will to which she agreed.  She said I will always need to be able to truly apologize for my actions next year, 5 years from now, 10 years from now.  Each time will get father and farther apart but I will always need to be able to be ready to express that regret.  We will never know when a trigger will pop up down the road.

So when do I get to worry about what I need?  Or better yet, when do I get to express what has been going wrong that makes it difficult for me to continue down this journey. When do I express that I want to be important to other people than who I work with.  We have obviously been having problems for years, as most affairs, mine included, do not just spring up over night.  They are built on many years of unresolved issues and a lack of communication between the couple.  We are no exception.  Right now I am doing a great job of trying to put her and our kids ahead of me, but it does take its tole on me.  But then I try and think about how selfish I was one year ago and I push through.

Last year during this time, our marriage was the worst it has ever been.  I was nonexistent and to be fair she was not invested too much in our marriage either but she was trying to invest time in herself after years of neglect.  Could I blame her?  No, I had been pushing her to do it for years,  yet the timing of her actually doing it could not of been worse, as it alienated the two of us even more.  And then there is the string of important dates and trips that are coming up that will all be hard to deal with.  This month (September) – our anniversary.  She has told me it is going to be so hard know that last year I sat across from her and lied to her face (that stung and I almost threw up hearing it, but I fully deserved it).  It is the moment that she has burned into her memory about our anniversary.  She knew we were in trouble and really tried to make an effort, where as I was unsure what was going to happen let alone what I should do. I have always been the one that goes over the top on anniversaries, birthday’s and holidays.  Which led to an awkward and tortured event.   It hurt too much.  And we have more scheduled again this year.  October, We have upcoming trips.  Last year I was out of town a lot and during those trips I hardly ever stayed in touch with my wife.  I just did not want to do it. Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, again now filled with painful memories of how I treated our marriage and her.  November – DDay #1 and Thanksgiving all rolled into one.  Add in the family traditions that we did not do and how we struggled to even get out of bed during that time.  How neglected the kids must have felt and unimportant my wife was feeling and I get a double serving of a pain and angst.  December – Christmas, Birthday, – all filled with depressing memories about betrayal, lies and deceit.   New Years Eve, New Years Day – Two of the worst possible times that are branded in her mind.  The worst of the worst.  I was in Florida with the OW while she sat at home alone and no one to celebrate with.  Even the thought of it now makes me sick.  January – DDay #2;  February – Last of No contact as she finally stopped contacting me.  The OW going into the hospital and I finally deciding my job was not worth salvaging.  Valentines day – neither of us knew what to do with/for each other so it went be hardly celebrated.  We have quite the challenging time ahead of us and I really don’t know where we will end up in all of this.  I have ruined so much that I don’t know how either of us will get through it unscathed.  That is a stupid comment as neither of us are unscathed even now.  Our counselor wants us to reclaim all these dates and times.  Take back what she stole from us.  I could see how the thought seems so good, but now I have added pressure to make everything so special that it pushes everything else out.  And in the end I still believe she will compare and want to know if what I did with her was better.  And because there is little trust between us, will she ever believe anything I say or do or will she always question the motive behind it all.  Sincerity is all in the person receiving it.  If they believe it is sincere then it is, if they do not no matter how sincere it really is then it won’t be.

The only bright spot is that through all of this I know I have been truly sorry for all I have put her through and what I have put my family through.  I know that I still love her and always will even if we cannot make this work any longer.  We both seem to bring up the opportunity costs associated with staying and if they outweigh the benefits.  In other words, is it worth it?  Do we spend two years working on it when in the end it does not work out?  Where does that leave us?  Two years older, bitter and in a more difficult position than we are now.  So that is a topic that seems to resurface.  I would not say regularly but often enough to make me uncomfortable.  Then again I already wrote about it in my 98% post and how she really has every right to have those feelings.  It is my job to try and rebuild them.  But can I believe them myself?

Now why have I stopped posting.  I am sure many of you are wondering.  If it was so beneficial then why stop?  I have two reasons.   1.  It has made my wife uncomfortable.  She thinks that my blog just took place of the affair.  All the attention that I was showering on the OW I have replaced and put into the blog.  I do not think that was exactly correct, but what I can take away from it is that she wished I spent more time with her and payed attention to her, instead of being here on this world.  I don’t think that she really understood how helpful it has been at times for me to be here.  But in the end if I am trying to make things work, I need to be flexible in how and where I spend my time.  Reason #2.  It sometimes felt like the blog would trap me in the past.  I would focus on my problems and all that was going wrong instead of what was good in my life and the positive steps we were making.  I will say that this could have a little truth to it but not too much.  As I have not been blogging and I am still having good days, weeks and bad days, weeks.  In the end I think am going to try one more time with a few limitations.  I want to only write when she is not around.  I will do it when I am at work or when she is at work.  Next, I only want to do it if I feel it is helping me.  I do want to feel obligated to write.  I don’t know that I ever did, but I do not want to go there.

This bloggesphere is so unique.  I see people that I got on here and connected with immediately as they too were going through difficult times and now they have slowly backed off blogging or changed the focus of their blogs.  Some have emailed me and said some of the exact things I have put in this post.  And others are tired of the small amount of people who are here to pass judgment on people they know nothing about, only the minor details they post here.  Well, all I have ever asked for is for people to be honest with me and feel free to give me there opinions, advice, or just lend and ear and possibly sympathize a little with me or my wife.  I could careless if people judge me based on the little information I give everyone, but I have tried to protect the people who are willing to put themselves out there and comment on my blog.  I don’t need people making anymore drama in my life.

So what now?  Where do I go from here?  Where do we go from here?  I wish I knew.  The only bright spot of my life right now is my job.  I have gone from a highly contentious and drama intense work place to a much more relaxed and friendly environment.  Plus it can offer me more opportunities for advancement that I cannot get many other places.  So I am excited to see where this will take me.  So here I am.  Kids are back in school.  Work is going good, and my life is quieted down considerably.  Why then do I not feel a sense of relief?  Of joy that everything is finally working out?  I wish I knew.  I wish I could feel happiness again.  I wish I could feel joy because of the man that I am in my family life.  I wish I could derive satisfaction out of the role model I am for my kids.  But in the end, maybe I am just teaching them that if you are who you are then that will always be good enough, just learn to accept who you are.  You never know, when you get lost you may see a strange cat in a hat that will help you find the path back to where you want to go.

The cat in the hat came back – Dr. Seuss

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
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36 Responses to The Cat In The Hat Came Back… Or Maybe He Is Just Passing Through

  1. woundedraven says:

    I don’t know that there is a “right” way to nurture your wife through this process and I can imagine it is not easy as I have witnessed the frustration in my own husband at times….as he tries to make me “happy” and attempts to put this awful time in our lives behind us. As a betrayed spouse, the only advice I can give is to be patient and choose your battles wisely. Your wife is fragile and likely has an adverse reaction to mundane everyday things, places, words, etc. Allow her to have some of these triggers, don’t insist that she try to move beyond the pain they cause. But in the event that a particular trigger is causing you to slip into the mindset you were in during your affair, you should probably bring this up to her as you don’t want it to manifest into the same behavioral patterns. All you can do is remind your wife, in your words and actions, that she is the most important person in the world to you and that you will do everything you can to prove that to her each and every day. Contrary to what we might say, women LOVE grand gestures….so maybe the solution to get closer to your shared happiness is to gradually replace those awful memories from last year with new amazing memories as the holidays and anniversaries approach this year. The more happy memories you build, the easier it will be to move the sad memories out of the forefront in her mind. Best wishes to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      I wish it was all that simple. Our problem is that if I say anything then we being a cycle of guilt and regret. She will do something because she feels guilty not because she particularly wants to (although at times she may, I just never know the difference) then I feel guilty and regret even saying anything and in the end what was supposed to be something good for both of us makes us both feel like crap.

      As for the grand gestures, we want to plan something but we are not sure yet. At first we were going to skip it and create a new day that could be special and untainted, but then we are letting the OW take something away from us that was never hers to begin with. So we are trying to decide. We are doing it together because I do not really know where she stands and I do not want to push too hard. Instead I just want us both to get through it and be happier than the day before.

      Liked by 2 people

      • woundedraven says:

        All you really can do is try to move forward together and it sounds like you are doing that. The simple fact that this impacts you so strongly that you blog about it actually speaks volumes about your desire to stay in your marriage. I can tell you, from the other side of infidelity, that the only thing that really makes me ‘feel better’ is when I truly feel my husband regrets/hates what he did to me and to us and goes out of his way to make sure I feel safe with him…. not safe from physical harm of course but safe from the thoughts and memories that tend to creep into my head all the time. Hang in there. I don’t think this is ever supposed to be easy ….. but those that have made it through the storm say the other side is a happy place 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

        • bac4sccr says:

          I can say that I do hate what I did and how I treated her. My wife once asked me if I was sorry that I got caught or that I did it at all. I know without a doubt that I was and am sorry for doing it at all. Did I get things out of it that have changed me for the better? Absolutely which is hard for some to comprehend, however the cost was never worth the little things I got. Not even close. And I may have got them a different way with my wife if I/we could have communicated better.

          If I had the chance to do it again I would never have done it. Not in a million years.

          Liked by 2 people

      • I was really hung up about my birthday because I know what husband did for OW on hers. I was terrified in case he didn’t make the same effort for or do nothing like the two I had during his affair. I gad a wonderful day in the end and he was as worried as me in case he let me down. The most amazing thing he did was to have a star registered in my name. I cried because he thought me worthy of being ‘the brightest star’. I suppose what I am saying is the simplest things can equal or even better the grand gesture. I needed to have something personal, from the heart. Hecwrote a poem which was beautiful. It meant more than I can say. Of course we are still having bad days but at least I know where I stand. I know he loves me. You love your wife which is why you are trying so hard to make her happy. Just don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Recently I noticed husband left his phone on the dining table while he was in the garden so I went outside and kissed him. That simple gesture was so important. During his affair he never let his phone out of his sight. I know this is his way of reassuring me and I am so grateful. Everytime we made plans we ended up too stressed to enjoy them so now we just take it a day at a time. If we argue tomorrow so be it. If we don’t that is really good and if we just do something spontaneous we always have a good time. I truly hope you both find a way back from all that has happened I am sending my best wishes.

        Liked by 2 people

        • bac4sccr says:

          Thanks. We have to do these things together because I have always been the one who went over the top and made everything super special. This left her feeling inadequate in what she did for me. What she did not get was I just loved seeing her happy so I would try harder every year. This year she wants it together so we can both focus more on us than the day or any gift. i think I have an idea of something I will do, but I don’t know if I can pull it off in a week.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Kim B says:

    Well I understand. My blog is the only place I can really get rid of my thoughts and vent. My ex has a problem with mind as well. But I feel like it’s the only safe space that I have. Difficult position.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, why not something totally different for the holidays, like they suggest when a family member dies, like go eat Chinese food instead and laugh about how crazy the choice is. Win it. My boyfriend David, when he was de pressed about his wife being in love with someone else while loosing his house, he started lying to everyone who asked saying everything was awesome, eventually he started to believe it, he tricked himself into making it true….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Well, really you need to think of it as you both win. Honestly I could care less if I spent my Thanksgiving anywhere, even a food bank – if it meant being with those I love. Try and think of it as not you versus her, but as a team effort. Food bank might work, because you would be helping others (although I hear food banks hate the amount of volunteers on those holidays, as they need so much help during the rest of the year). So think outside the box… spend the day baking, then go to a nursing home and bring a couple trays of cookies to share. Ask if you can go and visit the animals at a rescue site (see if they will let you walk them for the day).

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ve used my blog much as you have. A place to put down all the mad thoughts in my mind.

    B is so much like you. He beats himself up day after day. The only thing that I can think of is that you need to begin forgiving yourself. That back those days. They’ve been yours. You didn’t give them away. Celebrate with simplicity. Go back to the basics.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Ahhh, the forgiveness conundrum. I don’t know that I will ever solve that puzzle. I have resigned myself to the fact that I won’t ever forgive myself, but I am still trying to move forward.

      In moving forward I am trying to win her back and show her that I deserve her again. I know she has forgiven me as much as she can, but she will also have hard days and I will just have to be there for them and help her through. But those will be the constant reminders of what I did. It will shred my insides a little each time it happens.

      Like

  6. I can see why she’d be concerned… I agree this blog is a place for you let your thoughts and emotions out and to process them better. But if you’re putting all of yourself on here, and confiding/interacting with other bloggers and their blogs, rather than your wife, then in a way the blog is like a second affair. Its a great place for you to vent and what not, but if you’re getting validation and emotional support from us anonymous bloggers rather than being open with your wife – then yea, she might feel left out. This is your blog though, so like you said – use it if it helps, but don’t let it jeopardize your efforts in rebuilding your marriage, or distract you from your family.

    It seems like both of you are scared of each other – of hurting each other or guilting each other into doing something. Maybe you’re overthinking a little bit? You don’t “deserve” anything, if she’s willing to do it even if she doesn’t “want” to, then doesn’t that mean she “wants” to do it? For you? Isn’t that a good sign? Maybe your guilt is preventing you from accepting her efforts, which in itself is not healthy. But if you both going to walk together, then I think both of you will need to have input, and be honest with each other… and take it from there. Communication is important in any relationship, but even more so when you’re both trying to rebuild the relationship and the trust. Nothing can be taken for granted as it once was because theres so many issues you’re both trying to work through now that it has all come to light.

    In regards to the trust issue – yea there’s a lot to be rebuilt there… and it will take a lot of time. And even then, it might not work out. So do you throw in the towel now or just grit your teeth bear down? This is a tough time for you, and there will be pressure – but you’re both in this together. You did say in a previous post that you’re in this for the long haul… are you still thinking that way, or is this starting to wear you down too much? I guess in all of this – how is your wife taking this? It’s still a relatively short time for her to heal, but is she improving at all? It’s a rollercoaster ride, but is it overall getting better?

    I’m not passing any judgement here. And I’m honestly glad to see you’re back – your last post was a bit cryptic..

    As usual take care.

    Liked by 4 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      I have not changed my stance on being here for the long haul. I want to be here and be with her. The person I wish I could get rid of is the person in my head. He is the one that creates so much pain.

      I get what you are saying about her being willing to do it which means that she does want to do it. I guess a good way to put it is from the movie “The Break-up” (I think), and my wife uses this line on me all the time, I want her to want to do the dishes. I want her to want me or want to be with me not just have her be willing to be with me.

      In the end, I think the thing I can agree with you the most is that things really are getting better overall. It is still a roller coaster but it is not as bleak as it was before. I just don’t know. That is the best I can say. I just don’t know. About anything. So I will just keep working and try and do better. It is all I can really do right now.

      Like

  7. fairytalefailure says:

    I stopped blogging when you did, as you know. I came back on here today, to find your post. I told my husband about my blog and he asked to read them. I was surprised, but glad. He thinks I should keep doing it if I find it helpful, but the thing is, I can’t tell if I do or not. I did, at first. But I feel, like your wife, that it gives me permission to stay in this place, and it solidifies that this is who I am. You suggested that I could write about other things – but as it turns out, I can’t. This is all I have to say right now. It sucks. And the people I found inspiring are beginning to separate or find themselves more hopeless than I feel, and that seems like a bad place to be. So I guess I’m not sure if I will start up again or not. But I thought it was funny to see your post on the day that I came back on here…so I thought I would say that it’s good to see you on here and I hope that you’ll take care of yourself and your family…and just do what feels right. You’re the only one who knows.

    Liked by 2 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      Thanks, I know what you mean about struggling to write about other things. Unfortunately for me if they don’t come out I feel they do more damage staying in my head. I still have not come up with a way to fill this gap because I want to be mindful of her needs as well. If she feels that I am not giving her the attention she wants I need to adjust. It doesn’t matter if it was the blog, TV, or house work. I can do those things another time when it does not affect her time with me.

      Now as for all the hopelessness that is on these blogs I always take them with a grain of salt. For me I usually write about the dark thoughts and issues I have going on inside me. Not very often do I write about the pleasant things that go on in my life. I think this is because I am trying to let the darkness out and keep all the good things inside. I want to hold onto them with everything I have got. It would not surprise me if others do the same. Do I still have thoughts about us not making it. Yes, but so does she. However, we are still both committed to making it work and find a way back to each other. I don’t want to focus on not making it so I dump it here.

      I feel like I do have a lot of support on here from so many people on the other side of this and it means a lot to me. It also helps tremendously in understanding what my wife might be going through and then I can prepare myself and have a plan to help her through it. So for all of that I am thankful to all those people on here who share their thoughts and opinions, even if I don’t like or agree with them.

      In the end, it is my life, my choices, and my actions that I get to steer in the direction I choose. And I am the only person who can do that. I just hope I don’t have to make too many U-turns along the way.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. emmagc75 says:

    Welcome back buddy! I like that ur not beating yourself up as much as you were. But you’re still taking responsibility for your mistakes. A whole month shouldn’t suck just because stuff happened. Honestly, after 7 years, I remember the month of dday, nothing more. Get thru all the firsts. Focus on making new memories. I know for myself, I’ve had enough rejection for a lifetime. So either things change or they don’t. Oh and you aren’t like anyone but you lol! Hugs to you xo.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Let go says:

    I think both of you are so angry. Your blog hints at feeling rejected sexually and she feels invisible. Both of you need to get help with putting affection back in your marriage, you need to woo her. Women, usually, enjoy hugs, cuddling and being a real person instead of the sex object in the bedroom. The women I know who enjoy sex have a great relationship outside the bedroom first. Every woman I know who complains about sex are resentful of how they are treated. Being ignored, being condescending to, being second or third or fifty to their husbands make for distance to grow. The men I know who are angry want to feel like they can bring their troubles to, and be supported by, their wives. Really pretty simple. Just be kind to each other.

    Liked by 2 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      You have hit on a good point which I have been working on. We took the love languages test and both our number one is touch for both of us, yet we both use service as our number one way of showing love to each other.

      So I have been trying to be attentive, and give her a quick hug, kiss, or just hold hands. I am doing this without pressure, meaning there is nothing that makes her feel like I am doing for any reason other than I love her. She has seemed in a better mood since doing it.

      I still have issues and I know I don’t get the attention I am craving, but right now I can control what I give her and then I hope the rest will follow and we can both be happy.

      And you statement about anger, you are completely right. I have been extremely angry and frustrated however, no one here knows it. I am keeping it in for now and hoping my actions will help bring about the change we both need.

      Like

  10. rac says:

    So glad to see you post. As someone previously stated. Your last post was cryptic.. (Remember, I’m a nurse and have some psych experience. I know you deal with depression and anxiety…) regardless, I smiled and was relieved to see you here.

    I totally get what your wife is saying and feeling about your blog. She’s not wrong. We’ve become your validation. Kind of a sensitive issue I imagine.. I would be and am uncomfortable with anything that my husband pays more attention to to than me…
    ..but if this is therapeutic for you, than you and she should be able to come to some comfortable compromise. I hope you and she find that place.
    You are a talented writer .. I always enjoy reading your posts and clever Dr Suess references and quotes.
    The anniversaries… They suck.. Not gonna lie… But, if you are there for each other, as you have been.. You’ll get by them… The way I see it is DDay and the immediate couple weeks falling was the worst… Absolute emotional hell… Now it’s just a few hours or a day here and there… But it’s never been as bad as DDay.

    It’s good to see you .. Be well

    Rac

    Liked by 2 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      Thanks for the nudge to get me back on here.

      I am not sure that it is as bad as she is perceiving, but as I mentioned to someone else it really doesn’t matter. If she feels anything is stealing attention that I should be giving her, then I should look at changing.

      Right now I am not sure where I am going to go with this or how often I am going to post. I want to be able to use this as a medium for healing but I also don’t want to be stuck in reliving all the pain over and over again. Who knows? I don’t. Right now I am just going to play it day by day and see where that gets me.

      As for the anniversary, I am stocking up on Xanax as I know I will need a bucket load to get through it, but we will make it through and we will be better when we get out the other side. I just know I have to be more attentive for the next few months or we will farther back than normal.

      Like

      • Let go says:

        You don’t have to be “more attentive for the next few months”. You need to be attentive always. This is the person you loved enough to marry and have children with. I’m quoting Dr Phil. Marriage is not 50/50 it is 100% all in for both of you. If you and she can pay attention to each other you will get more out of your relationship. Relationships have to be reciprocal, you give, so she gives, so you give etc etc etc., without that someone gives up. Do you do the little things for each other? Opening doors, cooking a favorite meal, saying “thank you” are good manners and sweet gestures. I have no idea why we forget to do those things for the most important person in our life.

        Like

        • bac4sccr says:

          You are 100% correct. We both have to be fully committed. And right now we are focused on all the little things we can do for each other. The trick is can we keep it up. Can we not let life get in the way. That seems to be the trick.

          Like

  11. Keep hanging in there. Keep processing. Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep succeeding. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. smellingmint says:

    I read this a few days ago and it’s haunted me. I was that woman and he has chosen to go back to his wife and try to make a go of it having left her to live with me for a short while. I find your blog incredibly moving as whilst I struggle to get my life back on track I imagine what he will be feeling and you articulate it so beautifully. I loved a previous post where you talked about cutting a pattern in the lawn to make her smile. You articulate all the stuff which I imagine he is also going through and I have some insight as a divorced woman myself into what it’s like trying to get a marriage back on track – the constant analysis of the situation, the looking for signs.
    One thing I would say to you, and I am sure you don’t need my advice but it just struck me having read your stuff … What do you have to lose by telling her what you need too? If she was invested enough in your relationship to take you back then surely she us invested enough to hear that? Anyway I wish you all the luck and love in the world – you sound like you deserve it. Reading your stuff makes me cringe it is so real Heather

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      I like your question “What do I have to lose?” I feel like I have everything to lose. She already feel inadequate and does not think she is what I want. If I do not word it carefully then I just reinforce those feelings which just force us farther apart.

      We are still going to counseling together so I am hoping that we can work it out there, but I struggle to get it out in there also. I just wish it was easier. I think I am waiting to have her more confident in herself before I want to push those buttons, but it is so hard and frustrating that I am not sure that will work.

      I don’t know, maybe it will magically fix itself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • fairytalefailure says:

        You know you are in a good place when you realize that your actions have consequences and that you could lose your wife and she is everything to you. I say that’s a good place because that will motivate you to stay the course no matter how hard it is. And I say it because I believe that one of the hardest parts of an affair for the betrayed spouse is that for some moment in time the one we love decided that being with someone else was worth the cost of losing us. And of course it’s entirely possible that the unfaithful one didn’t intend to be caught or leave, so didn’t consider losing his spouse as a consequence, but that’s what hurts. I know I want to be sure that my husband thinks I’m worth fighting for because he didn’t before. I am really happy to read you saying that, and I hope that you express that to your wife – not so much in a way that is about you needing her, but about realizing that you don’t ever want to be without her. It’s a choice and you choose her. I think you will be okay. I really do. You are willing to do the work and she is still letting you. I am so hopeful for you. xx

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Let go says:

    I just had a thought. You need this blog. Women, for the most part, have each other to talk about feelings. The men I know are miserable when they have to discuss anything close to a “feeling”. In fact my husband inevitability makes a joke because it is so stressful for him. Still, you men have the same deep feelings women do. Between testosterone and peer pressure you have squelched any way to express those feelings. You can scream, yell, jump up and down, if your team wins or loses but the idea of doing it because of love makes you squirm. Tom Cruise did it and got made fun of. So here on your blog you can put your feelings down and we, your buddies, can supply the support while you try to repare your marriage.
    Let your wife read it. If you have written things you are uncomfortable letting her read then you need to stop. You have already kept a very important secret one from her. Being open and vulnerable is the only way to get past this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      I have told her she is always welcome to read anything I write. Most of it is uncomfortable for me but it is not because I am worried she will read it. It is mostly the topics and discussing part of me and my life that are seemingly beyond my control.

      I think wrote now she feels she is competing with the blog. But now she is even more worried because at least she could get my feeling from the blog now she often has no clue because I cannot put them into words.

      I am still deciding and how to handle it all.

      Like

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