What is in a look?
I can tell exactly what you are feeling when I look into your eyes.
I can see the hurt.
I can see the pain.
Your eyes say so much more than words ever can.
You can tell me everything is okay, but when I look into your eyes I can tell everything is far from okay.
I see how you look at me and how you wish you could take it all back.
I see your thoughts of disappointment, of resentment.
Your eyes tell the story of all the pain you are trying to hide, all the promises broken, all the lies that tore your sole apart.
How long will your eyes tell the story of my betrayal and of your suffering?
Can I take looking at them everyday, every hour, every minute and seeing what you really think of me?
Can I take looking at them and knowing that I am everything you never wanted, yet everything you used to want?
I don’t know if I can take looking at the dying spark in your eyes.
Is there a way to bring back the light and life in your eyes?
I search for answers in your eyes but all I can see is fear, mistrust, and pain.
I wonder what I truly look like in your eyes.
I wonder if you will ever look at me with those eyes filled with love and passion and a knowing that you are what I love.
I can see the hurt.
I can see the pain.
I can tell exactly what you are feeling when I look into your eyes.
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
I’m going to stop you right here and ask you to please consider that this may be a projection of you current guilt and inability to forgive yourself. It’s possible is mirroring.
She is hurt. You are hurt. So be hurt. Things hurt.
If you love her, and I know you really do, and you also believe that a look can express that, then work to make sure your eyes express that you love her and you choose her. Every minute of every day. Then that is what she will see.
I had this conversation with my husband today. I can’t have the thing I wanted most in the world, which was to just know that I could be enough for someone for the rest of his life. I’ll never get to be that if I stay. So I am going to accept that and I am going to work with what I have. But what I want now is to know that he looks at me and knows he is lucky I stayed. That he sees what he almost lost and that he loves me so much that he won’t risk that ever again. I want him to look at me like he really sees me and he really loves me. I know I’m angry and crying a lot and that doesn’t make me particularly easy to love right now. But I’m here. So he should see that and cling to it and he should treat me gently and like a gift he never wants to lose. I want to see that. I want to see his guilt and his pain and his remorse but mostly I want to see that if I stay, underneath it all, even if I have a husband who cheated, I have one who adores me. I don’t know how else to explain it besides to say that you are the person who loves her most in the world. Whatever your very best and very most is is all she is going to get. I have to accept that the person who loves me most didn’t love me enough to keep the most important promise he ever made. That’s crushing. But he wants me to stay. He wants me to forgive him. He wants me to let him love me. So his best is the best I’ll ever get. I have no choice in giving up the fidelity clause. But now I want to know in my heart he is truly in love with me.
I should be able to see that when I look into his eyes, even when my own are blurred by tears. Don’t focus on how she sees you right now. Focus on how you see her. She deserves to be seen. I would bet my whole life that she wants to be seen and treasured and if you make that happen, the rest will fade from her eyes.
You will come up from this darkness. Just look up. xx
LikeLiked by 6 people
I think that is so incredible, ftf. To give the need to be the only one up – accept this – is such a mature, selfless and loving act. I couldn’t give up my need to be the only one. That I was the most beloved and he was genuinely sorry and worked hard to show me it was a terrible aberration didn’t save us. It still breaks my heart that I couldn’t do what you are. You are mighty! Keep it up!
LikeLike
I’m still not sure I can…I’m actually terrified. We had our first couples counseling session today and that’s what I told the therapist that I hate the most – he’s put me in a position to have to do one of two things I absolutely never thought I was capable of doing, and forever. Either I have to live without him, which sounds awful because even through all of this, it still feels like he’s a part of me (maybe that’s what happens when you have been with someone since you were 20) OR I have to live the rest of my life knowing I will never be the person someone wanted most, and that I was never enough, and I will have to forgive the unforgivable. His stupid selfish choice put me here and I honesty don’t want to live a miserable life because I can’t forgive him. Right now, the way I see it, no matter what, I can’t change that my husband cheated on me. I’m a betrayed spouse now. That’s BS (get it?! I’m hilarious!). So I’ll be that whether I try to stay or not. I can always choose to leave, but I didn’t throw us away. I don’t know if it will work. I’m so scared it won’t.
Also, your strength in taking care of your heart and making the best choice for your happiness is pretty incredible. There are no easy choices here. xx
LikeLiked by 3 people
I was also 20. Will be 48 next birthday.. He is my only. I doubt I will do this again. This was forever and we loved fiercely. I can’t do it with the scar. Pisses me off so much as I am no happier, and I knew I wouldn’t be. It’s a no-win situation. Now I have broken his heart because I couldn’t get there in six years. And we tried so damn hard. I’ve been sad and agonised for all of that time. I thought we’d get there with time, love and work. It wasn’t enough. And I will never BE enough (yep, of course I know I am -but, you know ;-). ) You are doing so well, you sound like you will get there together xxx
LikeLike
What you see in her eyes IS all the hurt you describe *but*
She loves you deeply. It wouldn’t hurt THIS much if she didn’t.
My eyes “go dead”sometimes still… I’d liken it to shutting down a nuclear plant before it has a meltdown. The pain, apparently, radiates out still though. When I was this way more often – and it happens less and less and for much shorter periods now, over a year out – I wasn’t hating my husband for what he’d done. I wasn’t feeling NO love for him… it was exactly the opposite. I was just so hurt that I couldn’t physically hold it and there was so much welling up inside of me that my body shut out everything else and the pain leaked out wherever it could… my eyes. They’d go dead and tears just poured out. It wasn’t even crying- tears would just fill up and roll down my face. I could be playing with the kids or making dinner or going for a walk – having so much fun and/or enjoying myself – and then that would happen.
W is glad that it’s not as often… but it took a LOT of him consoling me quietly and discreetly for me to heal. For him to heal. Not saying anything most of the time, just NOTICING and taking my hand or kissing my forehead and whispering, “I’m so sorry, my love.” Reassuring me that he finally loved me as I’d always loved him. That he did love me at all and I wasn’t just wasting my heart and time, tortured over a man who maybe didn’t love me? I was often afraid of that too… “Is this real or is this how he thinks he should behave?” That’s why it’s so important that he continued, no matter my outbursts or anger or crying, to love me and fight to dig me out of the pain he’d given me. That he still does, even though my pain is less visible now, is what continues to reassure me.
LikeLiked by 4 people
IOH I was wondering where you had gone!! I saw you on here and wondered why haven’t I read about her lately come to find out gone.. Glad to still see you around.. ❤ NH
LikeLike
To you dear man.. My husband looks at me all the time. He sees things in my eyes too. And it is true for me as what you (I think) are writing about your wife.
Thanks for writing this I often wonder how my husband feels about being nothing I ever wanted and wanting everything he used to be.
I miss my husband dearly or the myth.
What’s for us now that he is this new man? Not so happy ever daily that’s for sure.
It’s awkward very awkward..
Not walking on eggshells for fear of things falling even more apart.. more of a I don’t know you and the person you were doesn’t exist.. so who are you again??
LikeLike