We have known each other since July of 1992, 23 years. I can honestly say that even with all the issues and problems we have had, they have been the best years of my life. I still remember seeing you for the first time and how easy you were to talk with. Even now you are so approachable and it is one reason everyone loves you. I thought I would write you a letter today instead of writing my normal posts. I know you get on here to read my blogs to try to figure out what is in that scary place known as my head. Right now I have been thinking about you and how lucky I am to have you.
I want to apologize for all the things I have put you through. I know that there is not anyone on earth that should have to endure the pain I caused you. I know you think you caused me as much pain over the years of our marriage but you have to understand that the problems in our marriage were caused by both of us. It was not just you. It took both of us to cause the damage we did to each other. While it takes two people to have a conversation, I am really good at steering conversations where I want them to go. It must have made it hard over the years to really communicate with me. You always put our family above yourself and I wish that if I had listened you might have been able to tell me what you needed for yourself. I am here to work on fixing all the problems we had. I know I have added a new set of problems and I will have to work to fix those as well, but I believe you are worth all the effort. I am sorry for what I have done to our family and that I have never lived up to what you wanted in a husband. However, I am working to be better for you and for our family.
I want you to know how much I really love you. I know you are worried about my lack of sleep, but as much as it sucks to be awake for 20 hours a day, there are some perks. One is that as I try to sleep and I lay in bed with you, I get to just watch you for a while. I look at your face and see how peaceful it looks and even slightly happy. I want that for you every minute of every day. I want you to be happy. I want to watch you sleep at night with a smile on your face because you are so happy with where we are at in life and what we have between us. I often think back to one of our first dates when all we did is walk down to the school by your house and sat in the grass and talked. We laid there on the blanket learning about each other and we were so happy just to be in each others company. I remember the way your eyes sparkled at me as they do when you are happy and out in the sunlight. The mix of green, hazel, and black make your eyes friendly and loving, happy with a small twinge of mystery. It is who you are to me. Friendly, loving, happy, and slightly mysterious. I want you to have these things back. I want to lay in our yard with my head in your lap, the sun behind you and as I look up into your eyes I want to see you, not what I have made you become.
It is up to me to work and make up for many of the wrongs I have caused in our marriage before you will come back to me, before I can look into your eyes and see you happy. I know you are not 100% into our marriage and I understand why. I know it bothered me at first and I need to talk to you about these things but once we were able to talk about it I understood. This just reinforces to me how far I still have to go. You are the first person who made me feel loved and I want you to be the last person that I love and I hope I am the last person you love.
The happily ever after that you were looking for was killed by a small app on my phone, but every good story has a twist in it. While I would have picked a different type of twist, maybe this one is ours. Maybe this is the twist in our story that will move us to the happily ever after, the turning point where the main character (me) finally gets it. I really hope so because of all the people I know you are the one who deserves a happy ending the most.
I love you. I have always loved you. It never stopped, even with huge storm I brewed up, I always loved you. I struggle defining what love is and even now I struggle with the words I need to use to express the love I have for you. All the emotions that I lack to understand, the one thing that I know is that you make me feel different from everyone else. You can make me feel good about myself when no one else can. You can make me see the positives when all I see is darkness. You can make me feel like I am so much more than I really am and I believe that is love. I believe that it is your love for me. I am just hoping that I can provide the same back to you. I have seen that you are an amazing mother and wonderful wife. Even though I tell you and you do not believe me I hope that someday I can make you feel that in yourself. I want you to feel the way I feel about you, about yourself. I want you to feel what I see in you. I want you to feel how much I love you.
It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life’s realities. – Dr. Seuss