I have been dreading writing about my life currently. Not because anything is going wrong. Things are actually going pretty good, very good actually. And there lies in the problem. What goes up must come down. The trick is how long can I ride this wave and when it does dive, can I keep it from falling too far.
I am surprised things have been going so well as we have had a few bumps. In fact 5 days ago I was probably miserable, self-imposed of course, and now this quick I feel good again. It is weird because I have had 3 major things not really go the way I was expecting and not in my favor so I would expect things to be on the decline but they are not. I feel pretty good and I think I know why. It is my wife.
Last week, all the way until Friday I was not enjoying life and I was incredibly frustrated. I was thinking that I would save talking to her about it until we were in counseling together. I did this not because I needed mediation but because I was worried that I could not get my point across without becoming flustered or her becoming hurt and me backtracking quickly. So we went to counseling last Thursday and what happens? My lovely wife, I do love her to death, tries to protect me from counseling. What do I mean?
Well, the last two sessions I have felt like they have been very focused on me and it was incredibly uncomfortable and depressing. I told her how hard it was to want to go back knowing that I have been the focus of attention for the last two weeks and probably will be again. I did say that I still wanted to go back though. So when we got in there she told the counselor how hard the last two sessions were on me and how I did not want this session to be focused on me. So what happens? We spend the session discussing what made me uncomfortable and why I have been having a bad couple of weeks. So while in trying to shield me from the focus of therapy she actually re-shifted it back on to me. I know she meant well and she was just trying to protect me.
After the session she felt bad because she recognized that the session was again focused on me. I was still upset about the other things that I had wanted to talk about but did not get to talk about. On Friday we talked about it and I got enough courage to talk to her about what was bothering me and about counseling.
With the counseling I told her that I did not need her to try to protect me in there. It is going to suck and it is going to be uncomfortable, but I am assuming that is how we are going to grow and get better. We have to confront the things that we don’t want to talk about or deal with. So, I know she meant well, but she has to let it go and know that some days I will have a bad day after counseling but in the grand scheme of things it will make us better. She understood this and I think she knows that it will be the same for her as well on some days.
As for our other talk, well I finally told her that I was extremely frustrated by the way she was handling one part of our relationship. I don’t think that she was purposely trying to hurt me, but it hurt each time none the less. So I told her about it and what was so frustrating about it. With it I have decided that I need to take a more active role in this part of our relationship. I am trying to be vague here, but I don’t think anyone will understand with me doing that so, as with a majority of our issues, it was all sex related.
I was frustrated by how little we had been doing lately, but I might have been able to handle it except she would go to bed and tell me that she wanted to but she was too tired. She did this 3 or 4 nights in a row. Now as I said, I think she really believed that she was letting me know that she desired me but she really was too tired to do it. But to me it is almost like a rejection I did not even ask for. It was like I was just minding my own business when someone come up and says here have $100.00 and then says just kidding. So I told her that I understand that there are days she and I will both be too tired, sick, or just feeling shitty and not wanting to do it. I personally would rather her not tell me as she has on those days unless I bring it up. So if I ask for it, then tell me you are too tired but don’t throw it at me unexpectedly. She understood how I might misinterpret her intentions and so we were able to move past it. I have felt much better since then and I have also decided that I need to be more of the aggressor. I have not wanted to do this for fear of rejection and I am sure she has her own reservations about it as well so it has been a slippery slope to navigate. Well, I think I am going to jump and try to make a few attempts and see how it goes. The biggest question is going to be how I handle the first time she says no. I am not sure how I will handle it yet, but at some point it will happen.
The other good news that happened this week is that my parents did not show up at all. So, not replying was hopefully the best decision. I kept expecting them one day or one night just to knock on the door. My kids would open it and say “Hello?”. My parents would say “Hi, were your Grand Parents!” to which my kids would look at us with very scared and skeptical eyes and then hide in their bedrooms. Well, none of that happened so I am happy about that and while stressful for a bit we all made it through.
So now what? I am on the road to a successful recovery and all is going to be well. That is a load of horse shit. There is no recovery in this process and anyone who tells you that there is recovery is lying. There is only rebuilding and I am not even sure that is possible because it alludes to the fact that you are building something that you once had, but that is not entirely true either. No, you are creating a new relationship built on the remains of your old relationship. You are taking the salvageable pieces and trying to create the best relationship you can with what is left. The more destruction the harder it is. So here I am, hammer and nail, screws and screw driver and I am building what I can.
We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird – Dr. Seuss