It has been 5 days since my last post. Half of you probably think that I died and while some of you may be wishing it (myself and wife some of the time), I am still alive. I have just been stupidly busy.
I want to finish where I left off. I am not going to recap any of it. It was bad enough just to write it. If you need to read it here it is.
I walked back into our room where she was crying. I had no idea what to say. I had no idea what to do. I can only remember bits and pieces of it because it was an intense and emotional ordeal. I do remember her asking me if the affair was just more than me having sex with the OW a handful of times. I told her it was and that it was more of a relationship. I remember her asking if I loved the OW, to which I replied that I did not know. To be honest I still don’t know what I felt with her.
Now this was not a calm conversation. There was lots of screaming on her part, and throwing things, and crying, and hitting (nothing serious). She told me to leave, to get out and never come back. I said that I would. She then told me that she was leaving because she would not explain to the kids what happened in the morning and their dad was gone. She was hysterical but slowly she started to calm down. And then we talked. I held her while we talked about what this meant for us. I told her that I was not sure where I was with any of this. One month ago I would have walked.
This all started around 1:30 am and we talked until I had to leave for work in the morning at 7 am. I did not get home until around 3 pm and she was right where I left her, still in bed. She had not left. I made sure the kids were good and then I slipped into bed next to her. She was awake and had some questions. She asked me a lot of questions and this time I answered everything honestly. I believe she asked me at one point why she should believe me and I answered that she did not need to believe me but I no longer had anything to lose. I have already lost everything. I don’t need to hide anything because it is all out there now anyways. So she could ask any question no matter how difficult and I would answer them. Throughout the rest of the days she would ask questions and each time I answered. Some of them were more painful than others. Some I would ask if she really wanted to know because once she knew she could never unknow.
I am still like this for her today. If she has any questions then I will answer them truthfully because I don’t have anything to gain by lying, I only can lose with that format. Each time i think I should soften what I tell her I then think about how much ore hurt she will be if she thinks I deceived her again. So I try not to soften anything, it is just straight out.
She asked me to text the OW and tell her it was over and she wanted to read the texts and replies when I was through. I agreed and I sent an almost cryptic message, almost like I was trying to leave the door open between us. My wife asked me why I said it how I did and I told er that she would understand what it all meant. She did understand and we have worked at not communicating. The few times she did I told my wife and let her read what was going on. I have tried to be as open as possible to her scrutiny.
We were no longer seeing any counselors together. I was seeing mine and she was still trying to get into see one personally. It drove me nuts because she would not push to get in. She would put it off or say that she did think she needed to go, but she did and eventually she got into one. During this time she kept pushing to get me to go into a treatment center, or some week long or two week long intensive therapy in-patient thingy. One of her friends did it and she believed that I needed it. She kept asking me and asking me to talk to my two counselors about it. Finally I did and neither of them knew what I was talking about and neither of them thought I should do any type of in-patient therapy. They did not believe that it was that bad. Instead my meds were upped and I was told to stop taking the xanax sparingly. If I needed it to take it and stop worrying about if I might get addicted or not.
I was still in my thought that I was pretty much done with my marriage. I had told my wife the same thing and that I really did not believe that we could save it. Not after everything that has taken place. She asked if I would try one more time with a therapist who specializes in these issues. I agreed although I really did not believe that it would help at all.
I don’t need a counselor to tell me that I don’t think my wife loves me and I cheated on her to know that our marriage is over. These were the things that were occurring, but I agreed because as bad as I treated her I did love her, more than she will ever know.
Fast forward to today. Where are we now?
Most of the time I think we are improving but there are still times that I think we are right back where we started. There are a couple of fellow bloggers that I am in contact with that wonder if we are truly meant to be together. I have a hard time saying that we are not meant to be together because I can remember what we used to be like. How much we loved each other, how we only had each other and no one else. And somewhere along the lines our wheels have fallen off. Now I just want to know if we can right this ship.
Tomorrow I have two counseling sessions so I already know that it is going to be a difficult day. I am just wondering after my last session of quietness what we are going to talk about. I don’t know. I just don’t know…
I want to write so much. It has been 5 days since my last post and so much has occurred but I don’t know where to start. It is going to have to wait for another day as I am exhausted and I have a long day ahead of me. I need to go and pretend to sleep.
Whenever things go a bit sour in a job I’m doing, I always tell myself, ‘You can do better than this.’ – Dr. Seuss