It has been 5 days since my last post. Half of you probably think that I died and while some of you may be wishing it (myself and wife some of the time), I am still alive. I have just been stupidly busy.
I want to finish where I left off. I am not going to recap any of it. It was bad enough just to write it. If you need to read it here it is.
I walked back into our room where she was crying. I had no idea what to say. I had no idea what to do. I can only remember bits and pieces of it because it was an intense and emotional ordeal. I do remember her asking me if the affair was just more than me having sex with the OW a handful of times. I told her it was and that it was more of a relationship. I remember her asking if I loved the OW, to which I replied that I did not know. To be honest I still don’t know what I felt with her.
Now this was not a calm conversation. There was lots of screaming on her part, and throwing things, and crying, and hitting (nothing serious). She told me to leave, to get out and never come back. I said that I would. She then told me that she was leaving because she would not explain to the kids what happened in the morning and their dad was gone. She was hysterical but slowly she started to calm down. And then we talked. I held her while we talked about what this meant for us. I told her that I was not sure where I was with any of this. One month ago I would have walked.
This all started around 1:30 am and we talked until I had to leave for work in the morning at 7 am. I did not get home until around 3 pm and she was right where I left her, still in bed. She had not left. I made sure the kids were good and then I slipped into bed next to her. She was awake and had some questions. She asked me a lot of questions and this time I answered everything honestly. I believe she asked me at one point why she should believe me and I answered that she did not need to believe me but I no longer had anything to lose. I have already lost everything. I don’t need to hide anything because it is all out there now anyways. So she could ask any question no matter how difficult and I would answer them. Throughout the rest of the days she would ask questions and each time I answered. Some of them were more painful than others. Some I would ask if she really wanted to know because once she knew she could never unknow.
I am still like this for her today. If she has any questions then I will answer them truthfully because I don’t have anything to gain by lying, I only can lose with that format. Each time i think I should soften what I tell her I then think about how much ore hurt she will be if she thinks I deceived her again. So I try not to soften anything, it is just straight out.
She asked me to text the OW and tell her it was over and she wanted to read the texts and replies when I was through. I agreed and I sent an almost cryptic message, almost like I was trying to leave the door open between us. My wife asked me why I said it how I did and I told er that she would understand what it all meant. She did understand and we have worked at not communicating. The few times she did I told my wife and let her read what was going on. I have tried to be as open as possible to her scrutiny.
We were no longer seeing any counselors together. I was seeing mine and she was still trying to get into see one personally. It drove me nuts because she would not push to get in. She would put it off or say that she did think she needed to go, but she did and eventually she got into one. During this time she kept pushing to get me to go into a treatment center, or some week long or two week long intensive therapy in-patient thingy. One of her friends did it and she believed that I needed it. She kept asking me and asking me to talk to my two counselors about it. Finally I did and neither of them knew what I was talking about and neither of them thought I should do any type of in-patient therapy. They did not believe that it was that bad. Instead my meds were upped and I was told to stop taking the xanax sparingly. If I needed it to take it and stop worrying about if I might get addicted or not.
I was still in my thought that I was pretty much done with my marriage. I had told my wife the same thing and that I really did not believe that we could save it. Not after everything that has taken place. She asked if I would try one more time with a therapist who specializes in these issues. I agreed although I really did not believe that it would help at all.
I don’t need a counselor to tell me that I don’t think my wife loves me and I cheated on her to know that our marriage is over. These were the things that were occurring, but I agreed because as bad as I treated her I did love her, more than she will ever know.
—–
Fast forward to today. Where are we now?
Most of the time I think we are improving but there are still times that I think we are right back where we started. There are a couple of fellow bloggers that I am in contact with that wonder if we are truly meant to be together. I have a hard time saying that we are not meant to be together because I can remember what we used to be like. How much we loved each other, how we only had each other and no one else. And somewhere along the lines our wheels have fallen off. Now I just want to know if we can right this ship.
Tomorrow I have two counseling sessions so I already know that it is going to be a difficult day. I am just wondering after my last session of quietness what we are going to talk about. I don’t know. I just don’t know…
I want to write so much. It has been 5 days since my last post and so much has occurred but I don’t know where to start. It is going to have to wait for another day as I am exhausted and I have a long day ahead of me. I need to go and pretend to sleep.
Whenever things go a bit sour in a job I’m doing, I always tell myself, ‘You can do better than this.’ – Dr. Seuss
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
IF it was meant to be, then it will….for what ever its worth…don’t stay for the kids…I did and it hurt my kids worse than if I had left….but I didn’t love my spouse…I could barely stand to near him…but if you believe you can get back the trust and love….then do everything in your power….love is worth it….remarry her….vows are very powerful for some…just change the words….I feel your pain…
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and of course this is just my opinion….
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It sound better than mine at the moment!
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When marriage is feeling sick, how do we treat it? A step back and cold analysis of how you feel might be the way forward. Not just the momentary emotions which fizzle away. The cold analysis helps you decide if there is anything worth holding on for, and if there is, what the way forward should be. Good luck in your endeavors, the struggle is quite real. Nice perspective.
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A survey was done on unhappily married couples. They did not divorce and five years later when a survey was done again they were fine.
Depression, anxiety and other issues are, to me, the bane of Western civilization. No one is chasing you to kill you. No one is kidnapping your children. You have a job, a wife and children.
Spend a few minutes reading what ISIS does for fun.
You have control. Use it. Decide to wring every bit of joy you can out of your life.
If you just wait, just wait, maybe you can find happiness.
I assume the other woman was someone you thought you loved. She is probably lovable. So is your wife.
Dragging this out is cruel. Either decide to be married or decide to leave. People who have been cheated on begin to have health issues. Oh, like, say PTSD.
What did your wife do that was so terrible that you are putting her through this?
I wish you luck, but I especially wish your wife luck. She woke up to hell and there she is.
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I wish it was as easy as saying I want to stay. I do want to stay married to my wife. The problem is I don’t know that she really wants me. Sure she wants me to stay but there are lots of reasons people stay other than loving and wanting their partner. Now you add in the affair and all the guilt and shame I have about it and it is difficult to understand what I am feeling and why. I cannot understand most of my feelings anyways so because I have made it so complicated it us even harder.
Do I love her? I do so much. I just wish I knew she felt the same way about me.
Also don’t think I am wishy-washy at home. I am trying to make this work. I am doing the counseling and trying to do everything to help us move forward as a couple.
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“Most of the time I think we are improving but there are still times that I think we are right back where we started”. Is this not an overall improvement than a month before, when everything seems hopeless and bleak?
I’m so glad you defended your marriage and relationship saying ” I have a hard time saying that we are not meant to be together because I can remember what we used to be like. How much we loved each other, how we only had each other and no one else.” That’s awesome. You could have also easily said “I don’t know… you’re right… are we truly meant to be together”. While this response seems reasonable, it’s the first step towards more doubt, and in turn, giving up. Does this sound familiar?
It’s great you’re talking to other people for support! You probably don’t need this reminder, but make sure to take everything they say with a grain of salt, and reflect on whether it matches your values and beliefs, and make a final decision on what you take and you throw away. I will draw parallel to your affair – you knew it’s wrong. But somehow, you’ve let your own weakness and her persuasion, influence your decision to throw away your marital vows, morals and integrity and started an affair. It didn’t start immediately, but gradually, as you questioned yourself, adjusted your thinking, and slowly rationalized/justified your way into an affair.
I’m not saying what you have to do Bac4sccr, but just wanted to remind you that it’s important to look for support, and so find it – find support, and not things that will lead you away. Everyone will give you advice, myself included, based on our own beliefs. It’s up to you to hold on to yours, and take what you feel is useful from each of us. And perhaps, the most important person’s view point is perhaps your wife’s – have you have the same conversations with her as with your other supporters/bloggers? If not, then is it wise to hide these discussions, and your thought process, from her?
I really don’t believe anyone is “truly” meant to be together. The relationship you have is created by choices and decisions you make. Of course, staying on this commitment is much easier when you feel “in love” and you appreciate what each other dose. It’s easy to justify the relationship because you make each other happy. But in adversity, whether you’re “truly” meant to be together, then depends on whether both you choose to stay together and have a desire and hope that by putting in the work, and staying faithful to each other, that one day you’ll create a brighter future.
You’ve mentioned before that you were committed to this marriage, even if it means your unhappiness. And that you will let your wife make the final decision, and until then you were going to ride out this ride with her. You’ve also listed many reason why you’ve made this choice, even when many people challenged you on it. You’ve shown much empathy towards your wife on how she is feeling due to your actions. Has this commitment changed?
I’m not here to say you must stand by that decision. In fact, I do support you and hope you find your happiness in life. But I want to highlight some potential down falls in your journey. It’s ok to admit wrong, and to re-evaluate our values and beliefs. But for certain core believes or decisions, we need to defend them with all our hearts, and to avoid temptation in whatever form they come in to protect them. Is committing to your marriage one of them?
You could continue to wonder if this is all worth it, if this is fixable, and whether it’s better to walk away, or to continue this battle. You can justify both decisions. But if you’ve made a choice to stay, be committed, and to work hard in this relationship, then instead of finding reasons to leave, find all the reasons to stay, to fight and to hope.
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Keep writing! One of the things that I appreciate about your writing is your honesty. It’s not bullshit and sunshine and rainbows. It’s real.
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I’m not sure that I believe in “meant to be” anymore. I think it really comes down to choices. The daily choices we make and how they affect our marriage. I think any two people, with conviction and fight, can make a relationship work regardless of how compatible they are. Or if they’re meant to be.
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Hey, I’ve nominated you for the allergic to E challenge!
https://uditmiglani.wordpress.com/2015/07/16/riddle-me-this/
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I want to add something else. Psychologists say unless you are dealing with someone with a personality disorder such as narcissism you can live with anyone. You and your wife can decide together to make a good marriage. It means that you expect you will occasionally get on each other’s nerves, that you need time alone, that you need validation and you need affection. I have said before you also need intimacy. It is the glue that will hold you together when everything else goes wrong. Taking it out on each other in the bedroom is the illness of a marriage. If you are having intimacy problems such as you desire more than she, or the opposite, you need help working that out.
You are without a doubt one of the best at writing your feelings of anyone in the blogging world. I hope that it is helping you. I also hope your wife reads your blog. I do have one question, why do you doubt her love? Has she said that she no longer loves you? It may be that she loves you but reality is that she does not trust you. You have to earn that.
My last question is why did you have an affair? I think that is the bottom line. If you felt entitled, or if you felt ignored, or if you felt anger, you need to confdon’t those feelings. As a woman I can tell you that the idea of my husband with his arms around another woman, or kissing another woman, or saying sweet and loving things to another woman, is more painful in the act of sex itself. You rob your marriage of the very thing that makes it a marriage, emtional intimacy.
Good luck to bot of you.
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Thanks. That mirrors a lot of comments that I got when I first started blogging. That live and ultimately relationships are a choice. You can choose to love someone or to fall out of love. In the end it is a choice.
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I forgot that I did not answer your questions. Why do I doubt my wife’s love? It is the same as I have felt for a long time. Let me put it a different way. I do honestly believe that my wife loves me. My problem is the type of love. I often feel like a brother or just another one of our kids. During the worst of our problems I really felt last on the list. And it was a long list. I don’t just mean kids, wife, me. No, I mean last, volunteering, car pool, naps, friends, phone calls, house work, crossword puzzles…. you name it, I felt it was above me.
For a while I was back on top of the list, but I am slowly sliding back down the list. When everything comes before you would you feel loved?
Why did I have the affair? Well, first I did not go looking for an affair. I went looking for attention and I thought I could get it through a couple of apps. And I did for a while. I would get attention then I would go home and we would all be more happy. Then after a series of bad choices I was in the middle of the affair. But ultimately what led me to that path was the need for someone to think I was special, attractive, funny, all the things my wife used to think about me that I no longer felt she saw in me. I wanted to feel wanted and to be desired both with my personality but yes also physically. I wanted to be before cleaning toilets on someone’s list.
And just to head off some wild comment I can already see coming. Yes, I did help make her list shorter. But if I did the dishes, for example, then she would move to laundry. If I did the dishes and laundry then she would vacuum. The list was endless but I was at the bottom somewhere.
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I need to proofread
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Lol! I know how you feel.
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Two things. One, recognize the illusion that a self exists independent of its creator. Two, introspect…if you’ll permit me, I took the liberty of doing a word-frequency analysis, of words reflecting your sense of self, in your this one blog (something told me therein lay the answer) – the symbolic “I” here – and found more than 80 instances…does that say something to you? Three (breaking my pattern of thought), cheer up, for things can only get better as you endeavor toward betterment. Best, -rian
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Ok… 1) if she didn’t want to be in this marriage she would have left already like she told you she would that night. Or she would have kicked you to the curb months ago.
And 2) I feel like you’re dragging out the whole “my wife doesn’t love, I don’t know if she wants to be married to me” thing.
Not dragging it out, but I feel like you’re putting a lot of your burden on her. You felt that she wasn’t being or doing a number of things to make you feel loved, so you had an affair. And I don’t believe you had an affair to “know” that your marriage was over. I think you did it to end it yourself. But it didn’t end, and that is great, and I find it awesome how you’re handling it now. I just think the issue is yours at this point. She’s going to have her own issues that she needs to work thru with her counselor. And this is one of your issues you need to work through. Because I don’t believe this is your defining moment. You have a lot of self esteem issues, it seems like to me. And this affair, and this marriage, and how you perceive your wife to perceive you – before, during, and now – is really just your own self esteem issues.
Blah. Sorry if that was confusing. I really don’t want to like you (bc of my own husband’s actions), but at the same time I’m wishing he would have and would now handle it like you’ve done.
Idk if you are in therapy with your wife at the moment, but I really do hope you are. Like I said, if she didn’t want to be with you, she knows how to leave or to end it. And though she may not like you all the time, you can’t suck COMPLETELY because she definitely wouldn’t be there.
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I love comments like these. And you are correct on so many of your points. Most all of this is my problem and my perspective of the problems at hand. I need to learn how to deal with things. We are in therapy and it is one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever done. I won’t go into detail as that would be a long response but we are working together. And I do know that my wife loves me. I am not sure why sometimes which is where the insecurity comes from but she has shown me that she does and for right now that is enough. I just hope I can show her how much she really means to me.
Do I have self-esteem issues in relation to my relationship and my wife? I do and I am trying to figure out how to move past them but it takes time.
And I do hope that you are right in that I don’t completely suck otherwise I am doomed. 🙂
I hope things can get better with you and your husband. From your blog it looks like you are in a tough spot and having a hard time. I have stopped wishing people to get through this and be a better couple. Instead, I really hope you can get whatever it is that you need to make yourself and your family happy.
~B
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