Well I have a half written post continuing the story of DDay#2 but it is going to have to wait. I am going to talk more about the last 24 hours instead and pretend everything is getting better.
Yesterday was counseling and we were going to set goals to see when I feel like I will no longer need counseling. At least that was the goal going in. The two nights before I had not slept. My wife has been back to bringing the youngest to bed and so I just stay up writing or reading, more about that later. We talked about my week which included my wife’s birthday and the 4th and how I felt about all of them. I really did not want to be there. I did not want to talk. For some reason he suddenly felt like someone that I could not trust. I did not want to share anything with him. So I didn’t. We spent more time in silence than we did in discussion. I found it awkward and I could not wait to get out of there. He questioned me about hurting myself, to which I have not done or had thoughts of doing so.
I am just so bothered that I am insecure and feel selfish for asking what I want. The night before I came to bed with my wife and I thought the intention for both of us was to have some quality “adult” time. However, I obviously misread the signals and she took one of my xanax and went right to sleep. I was pretty tired and was looking forward to frolicking and then sleeping entwined with each other. Once that was off the table, sleep went right with it. I laid there and finally gave up and started reading. I read until 3 or 4 then slept until 6am. So the next day, counseling day, I took 2 – xanax and then 2 – pain pills. I was really hoping it would knock me unconscious. Nope. That was about 4:30ish. So when I decided to go to bed around 11:00 I took 1 – more of each. At least I finally slept but I cannot believe it took that much.
I woke up today to go to couples counseling, which I was dreading because last time it seemed to be focused on me. It had been two weeks and I have not thought the last two weeks were very good. Our sex life was down and when we did it, other than her birthday, it seemed to be hurried and not very connected. I just felt getting more and more distant over the weeks. She did not understand why because we were having sex. It is just hard to explain. I want her attention, but I don’t want to be needy. I want her to want to give it to me, but I also understand that our lives have been hectic lately. So is it her fault? Not mostly because we have been very busy. I also as the week went on began to withdraw more and more which isn’t fair because then I am putting the burden of bridging the gap on her. I felt like everything was going backwards. Back to the beginning. Back to the beginning to the end.
We went to counseling and I just knew it was going to be difficult. Mostly because I don’t know how to express how I feel. Even here I struggle getting it across and I seem so selfish. So the session quickly turned to me and me being able to forgive myself. She said I need to move on and forgive myself or we will never be able to move forward. I said that I do not know how to do that. We went through a lot of things and then shame and guilt came up. I am not going to recap the whole session but the crux of it is that I believe that I cannot forgive myself because the choice was conscious and in a way that makes me a bad person. Not the best choice of words but it is pretty much the feelings I have. I believe that I have compartmentalized it, meaning that I think I am a bad husband, but a good father. Something like that, but then I think a good father would set a good example for his children and not do things at their expense. So in the end I felt miserable and that is where we ran out of time.
All I wanted to do is come home and go back to bed. I did not want to work or do all the other things I needed to get done. I just went back to my bed, fully clothed and went back to sleep. I know my wife, and I am sure she was worried. She woke me up before she had to go to her counseling session for herself. We spent a few minutes together and as I was walking out to her car she asked if I wanted to know about the bad email or just read it myself. Really, it is not even 2:00 pm yet. How much worse could it get? What a stupid question…
I went back in, turned on my email and there it was:
We will be in XXXXXX beginning next week. We wanted to know if we could take you and your family to dinner at some time while we are there.
WTF??? I am just done for the day, for the week. I am considering sending back a fake auto-reply saying I am out of the country until the end of the month. We may take a surprise week long vacation beginning on Monday.
Hello migraine, welcome home…
In my world, everyone’s a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!” – Dr. Seuss