Well I have a half written post continuing the story of DDay#2 but it is going to have to wait. I am going to talk more about the last 24 hours instead and pretend everything is getting better.
Yesterday was counseling and we were going to set goals to see when I feel like I will no longer need counseling. At least that was the goal going in. The two nights before I had not slept. My wife has been back to bringing the youngest to bed and so I just stay up writing or reading, more about that later. We talked about my week which included my wife’s birthday and the 4th and how I felt about all of them. I really did not want to be there. I did not want to talk. For some reason he suddenly felt like someone that I could not trust. I did not want to share anything with him. So I didn’t. We spent more time in silence than we did in discussion. I found it awkward and I could not wait to get out of there. He questioned me about hurting myself, to which I have not done or had thoughts of doing so.
I am just so bothered that I am insecure and feel selfish for asking what I want. The night before I came to bed with my wife and I thought the intention for both of us was to have some quality “adult” time. However, I obviously misread the signals and she took one of my xanax and went right to sleep. I was pretty tired and was looking forward to frolicking and then sleeping entwined with each other. Once that was off the table, sleep went right with it. I laid there and finally gave up and started reading. I read until 3 or 4 then slept until 6am. So the next day, counseling day, I took 2 – xanax and then 2 – pain pills. I was really hoping it would knock me unconscious. Nope. That was about 4:30ish. So when I decided to go to bed around 11:00 I took 1 – more of each. At least I finally slept but I cannot believe it took that much.
I woke up today to go to couples counseling, which I was dreading because last time it seemed to be focused on me. It had been two weeks and I have not thought the last two weeks were very good. Our sex life was down and when we did it, other than her birthday, it seemed to be hurried and not very connected. I just felt getting more and more distant over the weeks. She did not understand why because we were having sex. It is just hard to explain. I want her attention, but I don’t want to be needy. I want her to want to give it to me, but I also understand that our lives have been hectic lately. So is it her fault? Not mostly because we have been very busy. I also as the week went on began to withdraw more and more which isn’t fair because then I am putting the burden of bridging the gap on her. I felt like everything was going backwards. Back to the beginning. Back to the beginning to the end.
We went to counseling and I just knew it was going to be difficult. Mostly because I don’t know how to express how I feel. Even here I struggle getting it across and I seem so selfish. So the session quickly turned to me and me being able to forgive myself. She said I need to move on and forgive myself or we will never be able to move forward. I said that I do not know how to do that. We went through a lot of things and then shame and guilt came up. I am not going to recap the whole session but the crux of it is that I believe that I cannot forgive myself because the choice was conscious and in a way that makes me a bad person. Not the best choice of words but it is pretty much the feelings I have. I believe that I have compartmentalized it, meaning that I think I am a bad husband, but a good father. Something like that, but then I think a good father would set a good example for his children and not do things at their expense. So in the end I felt miserable and that is where we ran out of time.
All I wanted to do is come home and go back to bed. I did not want to work or do all the other things I needed to get done. I just went back to my bed, fully clothed and went back to sleep. I know my wife, and I am sure she was worried. She woke me up before she had to go to her counseling session for herself. We spent a few minutes together and as I was walking out to her car she asked if I wanted to know about the bad email or just read it myself. Really, it is not even 2:00 pm yet. How much worse could it get? What a stupid question…
I went back in, turned on my email and there it was:
We will be in XXXXXX beginning next week. We wanted to know if we could take you and your family to dinner at some time while we are there.
Dad
WTF??? I am just done for the day, for the week. I am considering sending back a fake auto-reply saying I am out of the country until the end of the month. We may take a surprise week long vacation beginning on Monday.
Hello migraine, welcome home…
In my world, everyone’s a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!” – Dr. Seuss
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
And fart rainbows too ?
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I have a question for you. I fucked another man, one of my husbands best friends in fact, does that make me a terrible person, a horrible wife and a bad mother? Should I be condemned to a life of pain, misery, heartache and be forever unforgiven? Is that the life you would wish upon me, my husband and my children? I sure hope not, because that is definitely NOT the life I wish for you. As you already know, you are the only one that can forgive yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to condone it, you just have to accept it and let it go. Those families that forgave the shooter who gunned down their loved ones in the church in South Carolina, didn’t forgive him because they condoned what he did. They forgave him because they needed to so THEY could heal. Heal yourself, my friend. You have done NOTHING that is unforgivable. NOTHING. ❤
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I recently wrote about forgiving myself. It’s just so hard. But… It sounds like it would be best for your family if you did.
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You fucked one of your husband’s best friends and you’re asking if that makes you a terrible person?? Err, YEAH, it does actually. And a whore. I hope your poor children never find out, otherwise that’s them screwed for life. Ugh.
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I am truly sorry that you have been hurt very badly by someone. I hope that you are able to find some peace, because your angry reply, made with you having only the barest of information, is very judgmental, hostile and unforgiving. My point was that really, really good people make bad decisions sometimes. And yes, some really, really shitty people do too. Even if terrible mistakes are made, love, forgiveness and compassion can still lead us forward to a life that is changed for the better.
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I think she was using it as an example that good people can do shitty things without being bad people, just as bad people can do good things and that does not make them good.
Circumstances, emotions, insecurities, and timing can all lead people to do things that are out of character for them.
I think there are other things that factor into it. In my situation I had many of my young influential years telling me I was a bad person. Then you add in years of rejection from the only person you love and well, I do see myself as a bad person a lot of times. Or at least parts of myself. I have expectations based on things I said I would never do and when I cross those lines it is hard not to be judgmental on myself.
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I am glad you understood the meaning behind my words. We are always our own worse critics. We always draw these imaginary lines in the sand, swear we will NEVER cross them, and then beat ourselves up when we do. But those hard lines and limits are a lot easier to cross when you approach them one tiny step at a time. People don’t usually go from happy marriage to affair in one quick rash decision. They take many little tiny steps along the way. These tiny steps don’t seem like much at the time, but when you eventually look behind you, you see how far you have really gone. A smile, leads to a word, leads to a conversation, leads to a random meeting, leads to an arranged casual coffee, leads to a whisper of a touch, leads to a hand hold, leads to………you get the idea. Each step is small and before you know it, you have crossed your line, NEVER intending to, but crossing it just the same.
My original point was that forgiveness can come from the most unexpected places and even for those who have done the most unspeakable acts. Take care of yourself, continue to write and continue to heal. 🙂
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Hey Bac4Sccr, what I really admire about you is that you are very intellectual and you understand yourself as well as people really well. And you don’t choose to compromise your beliefs just to make yourself feel better. You own your mistakes and you’re trying to find the “right” path to make up for it.
This will hurt but I agree with you – yes you are a “bad” husband. You made a conscious decision(s) with full knowledge of the implications and repercussions. A “good” husband should always cherish his family and protect them from harm, even at the expense of his happiness. Or at the very least have enough respect for the wife to not betray your vows, be honest, and leave before starting a new relationship.
BUT (you know me… there’s always a but)… you’ve also shown a lot of love towards your family throughout the years – provided for them emotionally, financially, did your very best to ensure they have a good life and living situations. These are all the things that a ‘good” husband should do! So your are a GOOD husband as well. Does your act of infidelity cancel out everything else that you’ve done?
I guess this is the big kicker – are you a GOOD person who made a very very bad choice, or are you a BAD person, that makes good choices?
I think a lot of people are judgemental of cheaters, labelling them as “bad”, until they themselves are guilty. In which, they will choose to believe they are “good” people that made bad choices just to make themselves feel better.
But lets just move away from the simplistic labelling of “good” or “bad’ people, but rather, lets just weigh the individual choices and actions that we make. You cheated/lied/etc…, and in turn, hurt yourself, your wife and your family deeply. That was a bad decision and yes, in that regard you were a bad person. But you’ve accepted that, and taken full responsibility for your choice. You’re remorseful, and trying to make things right. More than that, you’re committed to your family, even if it means you suffering guilt, shame, depression and hopelessness because you feel this is your rightful punishment, and that your wife deserves to make the final decision. You’re not belittling the consequences of your actions, nor choosing to compromise your beliefs just to make yourself feel better. Cheating is wrong – you know it and you’re not trying to justify it. You’re doing this out of a sense of justice and love for your wife and family. People reading your blogs, both WS and BS, offer support to you here because they feel you are doing “right” now and are a “good” person.
I know you won’t, but don’t let the fact that you’re making “good” choices now get to your head, and start to justify your own happiness. To say, “I’ve done enough to make up for my mistake”, to think that “I deserve forgiveness”, “I deserve to be happy”. I hate that word – deserve – it justifies a sense of entitlement that is based on… nothing. Why do you deserve forgiveness, why do you deserve to be happy when other people in the world aren’t. Instead, I agree with your post on perception – it’s all based on perception and you can still be committed to your marriage, to show love to your wife and children, and to continue to reconcile and still be happy. And ultimately, the person that controls that perception is you. And the moment you shift your perception inwards, to be selfish, thats when justification of … lets say an affair… comes out.
You should be happy though, you should be able to live a happy, wholesome life. And the person preventing all of that – is largely yourself. I think you’re trapped in this world of self-judgement, guilt, shame that you’ve put on yourself. I’ll challenge you with this. What do you think you deserve from your act of infidelity? I feel you are living out a sentence you passed onto yourself. But your infidelity is a transgression against your wife too. Shouldn’t she be the one passing the sentence to you? And it seems that what she feels you deserve isn’t to live in shame and guilt forever – she wants you to forgive yourself and to fix yourself. To be able to live wholly in this family, and to move forward with her in marriage. She wants to you accept the grace she’s offering. In some ways – her sentence is much harder to accept than your current one. You need to overcome your childhood horrors, the faults and negativity ingrained in you, to overcome your pride or self-loathing and to start communicating better, to trust more, and to let go of the bitterness, anger and hurt. To me, I think that is a fair sentence for a crime as severe as infidelity – a life sentence of living to be a better husband, a better father and to cherish your family every day for the rest of your life. Wow, that’s harsh.
Anyway, as usual my comments are long as ever and full of ramblings. Sorry about that. But I’m rooting for you. Right now, you ARE a good person and you’re trying to make good choices in the face of adversity. You may fail here and there, but don’t give up on being someone better. Take care of yourself!
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You make a lot of good points here and have given me a lot to think about. I 100% agree with your comments on deserving anything. I don’t believe people deserve things, I think they need to earn them. This includes trust, kindness, and grace. It is a difficult path because you really cannot go out and try and earn these things instead they are a product of who you are with certain people and how you hold yourself and treat them.
Right now I feel like I do have to earn all these things back from my wife but, and you are right, my own guilt and shame prevent me from accepting anything she gives me. It is what I really have to figure out, partly for me, but also because this is hard on my wife and so it is like I am putting her through a whole other level of pain because I cannot let it all go and work to move forward.
Aaarrrgggg… it is so simple and so complicated that it is frustrating.
Also you could use half this post as quotes. You have some very insightful thoughts in this comment. Thanks.
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Thanks. You’re right, you need to earn all those things back. But once she decides she’ll give it to you, then i think instead of having the mind set of “earning it” back, can you accept it and try to be “worthy of it” thereafter instead?
It IS simple, but that doesn’t make it easy! Be kind to yourself!
Anyway, maybe tomorrow I’ll take your advice and just copy and paste the comment as my quote #2?
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Wow the judgement is astounding. But yes I agree that u are making things worse with your unhealthy neverending shame n guilt. I think there’s a lot of anger, bitterness, resentment n frustration underneath. I wonder if ur not trying to punish her for all the times u felt rejected n unwanted? Ur just smart enough to have figured out a way to punish you both.
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Can I not respond to this? It seems like something I would struggle admitting to myself, because then she will not be as good as I believe her to be. Do I feel those other emotions? Yea, but I don’t know where they are directed. I think they are directed at me and my actions not her’s.
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No one is perfect. Yeah u seem to think you’re not allowed to feel anything negative towards her and that’s not good or realistic in a relationship. It’s making you worse. U have to learn to let yourself feel them n then let it go.
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There is no %100 perfection. We are all flawed in one way or another. To believe someone is perfect it is just setting us up for failure. No relationship is perfect- that is equating both participants. It is not healthy or realistic to live in a bubble thinking one is the only flawed one and the other not. It is ok to see the wrong in your partner. See their flaws but don’t let that overshadow their good. Just accept their culpability as yours.
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I don’t think he needs to feel negative towards her. I don’t think bac4sccr thinks she’s perfect, nor is he blindingly putting her on a pedestal, but he’s putting the bitterness, resentment, and frustration on himself because he feels his needs and wants stems from himself and that’s what’s hurting the relationship. Actually, what he’s doing here is honouring his wife by not putting the blame on her, and looking into his own short-comings. He’s taking ownership of his problems. The problem isn’t where he’s putting the negativity, it’s the fact he’s feeling these emotions. Yes they’re natural and they can be resolved by either changing your own perception (eg. altering your needs and wants), or have your wife resolve them for you. In this process, both with have to happen simultaneously.
I think you feel guilty for even having these emotions Bac. Its ok to feel. Its what you do next that’s important. From what you’ve written, your wife loves you and WANTS you to be happy. You’ve got to start trusting her, and share these emotions and thoughts with her (What, I thought you didn’t have emotions!). Let her know how she can help you through this – She WANTS to support you, so let her man. She might not remember everything, or be able to do everything – but keep reminding her and help her to help you. Don’t be discouraged and disappointed – it’s a process for both of you. Show her the grace she’s showing you. You might feel embarrassed that you need her to help you through this, but that’s just coming from pride isn’t it? It takes loads of courage to be honest about your feelings, and then accepting the help from your wife take much humility. There’s no shame in this.
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I do not remember. Are you on antidepressants? If not that seems to be the first place you go, the doctors office. Next you and your wife need to do what many couples fail to do. You need to be totally open with each other. Why we let days and weeks and months go by without asking questions I don’t know. You need to ask her if she finds you attractive, loves you, desires you. If she says yes to all three then ask her why she is not interested. Make her tell you. You can be calm and sweet about it but those are important questions. They need answers. When we begin a marriage it sets up its own personality. Occasionally one becomes the nag and one the silent sufferer. Resentments form but they stay underground because this is the person you love and married. You may think you lack in some area. Well, we all do. The children we have aren’t perfect. Our jobs can make us crazy. Someone in your family needs to open up. If you have a boatload of resentments, or she does, write them down. Do not be critical. No one likes to be criticized and we always remember it. If she works or is home all day alone with young children she may have developed lots of resentment because you get to go out and have fun at your job. You may resent what you see as an easy life for her while you work at a job that is thankless. You need TO TALK ABOUT IT. A therapist can help keep a lid on anger and help guide the conversation. A bad therapist starts pointing fingers. That is not helpful at all. If you feel guilty for the affair then feel guilty. It means you have the ability to feel empathy. That makes you a good guy. Now you need to make yourself totally available to your wife emotionally and she needs to open up about why she holds herself back from you. If you live near a navigable river I suggest you your wife and kids get some inner tubes some pop and float down the river. Just go do something fun.
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