Today our country celebrated independence day and with it I tried to have a good day with my family. As I went to bed last night thinking of the things we could do I was reminded of what I did last year and how I royally f***ed up that day. So as I woke up this morning I was already feeling like I had two strikes against me. There was a couple of things with my relationship both that night and this morning that added to my discomfort but I am not going to elaborate for a few reasons none of which I plan to share here. No, instead I want to talk about independence day.
Independence day, at least if I remember my fifth grade history, is our countries celebration of it’s freedom from British rule. I know I am overly simplifying it but I am sure you can understand what I mean. We have parades, activities, and it usually ends with fireworks. Here are a couple of pictures of fireworks we went to a couple of years ago.
Now why do I share any of this? I spent the day inside my head and one thing I think I figured out I am looking for, is my independence from myself. I feel like I am fighting my own war for freedom and peace and I really don’t know who is going to win. Some days I am winning and others I am losing. Which is funny when you are fighting yourself.
Today, I just could not get self-destructive thoughts out of my head. Not the suicidal thoughts, but the thoughts that we are never going to get better and neither of us will ever change, so why keep trying. The last few days we fell into a rut we should not have and it is eating me up inside. I cannot decide whether to say something because then it will just load her up with guilt and I think I have enough of that for both of us right now. I was thinking that maybe it might be slightly remedied today but it was not. That was actually part of my problems with the day.
I just want to stop thinking. I want to just be for one day that is all, just one. Once we get that one then we can see where we should go from there but right now I would love to start with one.
I really tried today. I let everyone sleep in. We skipped the parade and once everyone got up we drove a few hours away to the beach where we would spend the day and watch the fireworks. I knew everyone would have a good time and they did once I got everyone there but getting them to go along was a painful process. Every time I made some type of decision I felt like I was letting one of them down in some way. I just want to free myself from the position of someone who can never win.
Now with that I want to be free of all the guilt and shame I have continuously building. I thought at one point it should all be done and now I can heal, but I don’t think it works that way. No, I am going to continue to have it piled on until I retreat and leave or win this stupid war. Retreating looks more and more feasible as I continue to be frustrated.
Last year, I was in full retreat from my marriage and I while I was present physically, I was not there last year. I tried to be away from everyone else so I could text with other people. I just wanted to be somewhere else. We did fun things with the kids but I had none at all. I just wanted it to be over. Today was similar in that I just wanted the night to end. The difference was I did want to be there today. I wanted to be with and enjoy my time with them. But in the end all the thoughts in my head would not allow me the ability to enjoy the day. Bits and pieces maybe, but not the whole day.
The worst part of the day is knowing tomorrow is going to be worse. One day I will get the independence I am looking for.
You make ’em, I amuse ’em.”