I am going to write about the concert another day. Today I want to write about something different. I will just say that the concert was very hard for a variety of reasons which led to no sleep and no eating. I did not want to get out of bed on Friday and maybe I really should not have but I did.
I woke up feeling like I had been stepped on by an elephant. I just wanted to lay back down and let the world pass me by. I know on my scale I was sitting at a 1.5 or a 2. But I had some work and family obligations. So I got up and got everything done I needed to do. Although once back home I felt as though I was falling deeper and deeper into a place I could not get out of. So I went to bed. I went to bed around 4 pm. I slept until around 9:30 pm and then got up brushed my teeth took some of my pills to help me sleep and I went back to bed.
This was the best night of sleep I have had in a long time. My wife was kind enough to allow me to sleep until 1:00 pm the next day. I felt so good when I woke up. I had a ton of energy and I was excited to get a lot of things done today. I really tried and tried to keep it a good day but I really think sometimes fate will not allow it. The good news about my bad day it was a generic bad day. It was a bad day just like any other bad day I might have. It was not related to my wife and I or the affair or triggers or depression. It was none of those things. My wife and I got along great. It was just normal everyday stuff that frustrates you that made it a bad day.
I see this as a good thing rather than a bad thing. Normally, this would just compound what I was already feeling and I would feel even worse. While I am not feeling happy, I do not feel like I want to jump off a cliff. No, it was a day I could handle. So now I am looking forward to going to bed at a normal time with my wife and see what tomorrow brings. I know I already am going to be having some residual effects from today but hopefully I can manage those.
I am not being optimistic that this is the start of the path back up. Why? Well, that would mean I am looking into the future and I am not. I am not looking father in front of myself than I absolutely have to and tomorrow is far enough.
The quote at the beginning from Dr. Seuss was perfect for today because it is about choices. You can choose how you remember things. You can think back on anything as being positive and smile, negative and cry, or forget them all together but just know it is a choice. Some people would argue that you cannot choose how to remember something, but that is not true. You can call it rationalization or whatever you want, but each memory can be tagged with an emotion. If you get hit by a car, you will remember being scared, but you may also think about how lucky you were that it was not worse and that you were happy you had on your seat belt. It does not take away from the importance of the event but it can be framed in a positive light.
Now most of you are probably laughing at me right now because you have read most of my other posts and are thinking how in the hell I can give advice like this. Good question! I have no answer. I am horrible at following my own advice. I am really good at separating myself from a situation involving someone else and giving good feedback based on the situation. I try and provide alternate views and perspectives that provide different options the person can explore. I think this is easy when it is not me because I can see everything. Their world is like a vast wide open space. Now when I see my problems it is like tunnel vision. I can only see one thing and I cannot seem to get my focus off of it. I dismiss other people and their opinions because I am smart and I should already know better. If I don’t know it already then they must be wrong. I am getting much better at this. I am listening and not trying to dismiss anything. I try to see what they are seeing and saying from their perspective and then deciding if I think they are crazy later.
I am happy that today I felt better than I have in a long time and I know I have my loving wife to thank for it. She is really rooting for us to work out and she knows I have to learn to live with myself to make that work. I sometimes wonder why I have her and how she puts up with me. She is so many things I am not and she could offer so many things to someone else that I cannot believe she has chosen me.
She has her own flaws but they are so minor compared to mine and most of them are based on her not believing in herself enough. She truly is an amazing person. One day in the future we will hopefully look back and see this as just a hill on our journey through life. It was one we both had to struggle up, sometimes she would help me and sometimes I would help her, but once we are at the top we will see how great our journey truly has been. I just hope that she knows how special she is to me. I know in the end I will always remember her and smile and I hope she does the same for me.
Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry. – Dr. Seuss