This is a hard process, very hard. Every time you think you get somewhere there is someone or something that will knock you back down. I am not asking for an instant fix. I never have, but I sure would like to see things stop falling backwards.
The funny thing is I don’t know how much of this is just my perception. I don’t think she sees us falling backwards as much as I do. I know she wishes I could forgive myself and I can’t and won’t but I will find a way to live with myself which I hope is the next best thing.
Over this last week I have had a few things go up and down, but I started to feel a little like myself for brief moments. She commented that she hadn’t seen my smile for so long and she liked to see it back. I began having my sense of humor again. All of this just in very small flashes. I think seeing my friend really helped, but now what. I am very sarcastic and witty. I will always have a smart ass remark for anything. I just don’t always say it.
I don’t think for the last 8 months I have not had that part of my personality. It was out of order. It would have made life a hell of a lot easier if it would have been there. It helps me remember that nothing is really as serious as we make it out to be. We all end up in the same place. So it has been good to have sparks of it back.
So what is the game plan? We are supposed to find ourselves as I mentioned yesterday and I asked if anyone knew how to do that. I got thousands of responses on how to accomplish this feat. Please note the sarcasm dripping off that statement. I don’t know that anyone knows how to know who they are. You just do, don’t you?
What does it even mean to know who you are? I know my name. I know my history. What else is there? Hopes and dreams?? Is that what makes up me? Here is what I know. I try to be a good person. I will help people before I will help myself. I volunteer often for different things, kids activities, nonprofits events,… I enjoy seeing other people succeed and make something of themselves because I put them on the path that got them there. I don’t know that there is anything better, other than seeing your kids succeed in their efforts. It takes a lot to get on my bad side but once you do, watch out. You will never have a chance with me again. Sure all these things make up me. Then I have to add in the obvious huge black mark against myself and my wife and family. I feel an odd split inside of myself. I know that I have good parts and do good things, but I also have this part that says I should remove myself from everything because of what I have done. The two sides fight constantly.
Is there an amount of good that can undo what I did? I think that is obvious. There is never anyway to undo the wrongs that I caused. So no matter what good I do I will never be that good person again. I will always be the man who cheated on his wife. I will always be the man who risked his family for the company of another woman. Why try if I can never be anything else? I read the internet and all these blogs. Once a cheater always a cheater. Is that who I am? Is that the future I have in store for me? I am not sure I can live with that the rest of my life.
I know you are probably thinking, too late for that dipsh**. And you are right. So how so I get rid of it? There are only two options I see, both have me disappear. Can I just vanish and run away from my problems? I could just become someone else, someone no one knows. I could recreate myself into whatever I wanted. The only problem would be that I would still know who I am. I would still have this constant fight inside myself. The Good versus Evil. So what is the other way. Well, it would need to be a way that I could disappear without having my mind keep going. I would need to disappear to stop the voices. I would need to disappear so the fight between Good and Bad would end. Then it wouldn’t matter who I was or who I am.
Not a pleasant thought but always there. So right now I just plug along. Moving from one day to another. Hoping one day is better than another. It is all I can do. So can I ever know who I am or what I want to be if all I do is live moment to moment? I don’t think it even matters in the end.
How did it get so late so soon? – Dr. Seuss