I think some believe that relationships are simple and easy. Some believe that they are hard and complicated. Me, well, I don’t believe that relationships are easy or hard, simple or complicated. I think they are magic. Yes, relationships are magic.
I know you probably think I am delusional and you are probably right. You might be thinking that I am hitting the bottle with my drugs again and as much as I want to, I am not. Wikipedia (the all knowing source of everything) says magic is the art of appearing to perform supernatural feats. Well, isn’t that what we are looking for in our relationships, in love?
We want something that is not ordinary, something that is special, something that is unique to us, something supernatural. We want something that is hard to explain, but you know it is there. You want something you feel and believe in not something that you can touch, taste, or smell.
Now the key to the definition is appearing.
Is our relationships all that or is it something that is tangible and quantifiable? Could it be the touch that I get from her as she brushes by me in the kitchen? Could it be the smell of her as I kiss her on the head when she is sleeping beside me? Maybe it is the amount of times I think of her in one day or the amount of times we talk with each other. It could be the way her eyes light up and slightly dilate when she looks at you. Or the increase in her heart rate as you wrap your arms around her.
What I really think is that love and our relationships need to be both magic and tangible. Everyone needs that edge of unknowing and mystery that keeps us intrigued with the other person. Everyone says they want to know everything about their mate, but in reality they want bits and pieces that keep them coming back. It is when they get enough of those pieces that they decide to stay, but if you run out of the magic or intrigue then you no longer have anything to give. You are like a book that has been read 50 times and how interested are you really in reading it again.
This is where the tangible qualities become important. If you can do little things that you can measure, like counting the minutes you spend together or the number of texts you send to each other. These thing change us in the smallest of ways. They make us a little deeper and connected with our mate. These little things change us enough that we keep adding new chapters to our book so that our partner never gets tired of reading it.
It is also why we need to do things on our own. These things are tangible as well, but add another dimension to your story. You can have more than “How was work? Or How are the kids?” Instead you can say something about what you learned or achieved or even failed at but loved every minute of the attempt. These are pages in your chapter that keep bringing your partner back.
I think it is when the magic dies, there is nothing more to learn about your partner that things become stale or stagnate. You start to notice all the other books you have not read and all the magic that is still out there. You may keep going back looking for that same magic you once knew was there but once you let it out it is gone, unless it is refilled.
So here I am, filled with magic but with no one to read my story and let it out. Some of it is black magic and I am afraid of letting it out. Some is white magic that is pure and loving, but both are connected that when one comes out they both have to come out as well. So I hold on to my magic. I have filled chapters in my book with magic that can never be read or talked about. They are sealed off and it hurts to keep them in. Some chapters are really new and some are really old but both are made of the darkest magic. So what do I do?
I find tangible ways to release the pressure but not the magic. I know it is not a long-term solution, but sometimes it is the short-term pain that needs to be managed. I can run until I can’t run anymore. I can stay awake until my body shuts down and the pain disappears. I can take on so many things that I bury the book of magic with tasks needed to be completed. While this helps me, it shuts my wife off from my book. It does not allow her to feed on my magic and mix it with hers to write new chapters in her book. No, instead as I bury it and because it is magic, it appears inside her and starts to grow the same black magic I am trying to hide.
So what do I do? I can’t let it out but I can’t keep it in. Both ways are prevent me from creating new chapters for both mine and my wife’s book. No instead they are filled by other people, things, and experiences. I am but a footnote. If I let it out, it could destroy her book altogether. The few parts I have let out have nearly burned her book to ash. Instead I fill her book with quantifiable things. Notes in her car, texts in the morning, dinner made early, a scheduled massage, all things tangible but can still go into her book. Do they add a little magic to her book? Yes, but not enough to keep the black magic out for long. The notes will go away, the texts will become less frequent, the dinner becomes frozen pizza, and the massages are just the kids jumping on your back when you have passed out from exhaustion.
It is a short-term solution but sometimes that is all you have.
I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny. – Dr. Seuss
Don’t be afraid to share a bit of your black magic. If you keep it inside–it only manifests in destructive ways sooner or later. You have the right to ask for what you want. This doesn’t guarantee you will get it, but at least you know.
Letting yourself be seen tests the strength and the authenticity of a relationship. But hiding your true self (which includes your needs and desires) is damaging to your soul. Take a chance. You may be pleasantly surprised.
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