He Should Not Be Here, Said The Fish In The Pot…But Aren’t We All Here?

After my post yesterday Laura S recommended that I list the things I am grateful for and I think that is a great idea.  Often times we get caught up in our problems and forget to see all the good things we have in life.  My list may take a little explaining or maybe I will let you just wonder.  I will see as I go.

Things I Am Grateful For

The top of my list is obviously my wife.  I am so lucky to have her in my life and her willingness to work on us and not give up.  She has often been a very big supporter of my decisions even when they took her away from her family.  I am very grateful that she has chosen me over and over again when she could have walked away many times.

The next thing on my list would be my kids.  I am extremely proud of who they are now and who they are becoming.  They are kind and well liked without being pegged into one specific social group.  This allows them to be friends with many types of people and have a variety of friends.  I also am so grateful that they are empathetic.  I have read reports recently that the newer generations lack empathy because of the interaction through technology.  Kids can hide behind a mask and pretend to be anyone online and say anything.  Throw in the video games and you have a generation without empathy, so I am so grateful they do care about other people’s feelings and can understand and share those feelings with other people.

For a long time I took my intelligence for granted and never really challenged myself.  Most everything comes easily to me and has for as long as I can remember.  It wasn’t until recently that I began to see the value in the things that I have learned and how I can use it to help my family and people I care about. So I am grateful that I was able to get a great education and find a way to use it.

I thought about this the last couple of days because of the number of changes that we are going to be going through.  I am grateful that I can make a difference in people’s lives.  Sometimes I go for long periods of time wondering if what I am doing even matters and then you get that phone call or email of someone who tells you how much of a difference I made in their life.  I love those moments and hope that my kids get to experience them as well.

I am grateful for the love that my wife has for me.  I often wondered if she loved me anymore and I am sure I will have those thoughts again but deep down I know that she loves me but just got stuck in a dark and lonely place.  We both did.  Often I don’t feel deserving of her love and affection, but she gives it to me anyways.  I am so grateful for that as it is something I am still trying to understand but she has been so patient with me.

I am thankful for all the people who love me.  I have my kids and my wife and for me that is enough.  They have seen many sides of me and love me anyways.  I went a longtime without this and I cannot make anyone understand how different I feel with them in my life.

Shocker #1 – I am appreciative of the OW.  I know this may come to a shock to a lot of you but I am grateful for her.  She helped me realize that I need to be happy, how I choose to do that is up to me, but I need to be happy.  She helped me realize that I am more than I ever thought I was and that I can still be worthy of love.  Do not confuse this with the affair, as I see her and the affair as different things.  She gave me the ability to see my life and relationship differently.  I may be angry with her and am not interested in contact but I do not hate her because now I can work on things with my wife to create a better relationship than we had before.

Shocker #2 – I am thankful for my childhood.  Yes, you heard that right.  I am grateful for my childhood.  If I did not go through what I have gone through then I would not be who I am today.  Would I wish my childhood on anyone?  Hell No! But since I have gained a lot of things from it I am thankful for it.  Even if those things were examples of what never to do.

I am thankful for my calm demeanor in difficult situations.  I really takes a lot to get me going and watch out when you do, but normally I just step outside of the feelings associated with the situation and deal with it rationally.  Along with this I am grateful that I am very patient, mostly.  I am very patient with everything/one but myself.  I expect a lot of myself but I am very patient with most other things.  Both of these skills I had to learn very early in life and they have served me very well.

I am appreciative that I have found this outlet and the people who read and comment on my posts.  It has helped more that I ever would have expected.  I get to see many different perspectives and have found people who have been through it before.  It makes the process seem less and less hopeless and  me less and less crazy.

I had a childhood friend who probably saved my life and made sure I was on the right path when things were at their worst.  I was able to stay with him and his father a lot and he never judged me.  If I didn’t have that in my life do not even know where I would be today.  I definitely would not be in the place I am now.  I very well could be in jail or dead.  So I am thankful that I had him in my life when I needed it most.

I am grateful for yesterday.  As each day passes it moves me farther away from my mistakes I made in the past.  It also gives me a perfect view of what happens when I do certain things and allows me to learn from those things.  I want to think I am perfect in many ways, but I know I am not and yesterday can show me this over and over again.

I am thankful for tomorrow because it is a canvas not yet painted and I can do with it what I wish.  I am the painter holding the brush.  I just have to decide what strokes to take that will get me the picture I want in the end.  But because it has not happened yet I can still make changes for the better in my life.

I am grateful for today.  For this moment where I can be who I am and make the decisions I need to knowing that I will always choose the best decision I have available at the time.  I cannot control now, anymore than I can control yesterday or tomorrow, but I can live it.  I can choose to embrace this moment for what it is or deny myself the opportunity to truly live.

Now I really could keep this list going and going as I could my regrets and remorse lists but this is good for today and hopefully you may all see a different side to the depressed man you normally hear from who is lost.  I am still lost but there is always things that when I need to I can look at and be grateful for.

Thank you Laura S, this really has made me feel a little better today.

He should not be here, said the fish in the pot – Dr. Seuss