Where oh where to begin? I could start with counseling yesterday, or counseling today, or none of that. I choose the latter. I am tired of thinking about stuff I don’t want to think about but I usually don’t get a choice.
Music – I mentioned before that I love music and feel like I constantly have my own sound track to my life. Music can help describe my feelings when I cannot do it for myself. I am also extremely obsessive of my music. When I find a song that I connect to, I listen to it over and over nonstop for weeks. It drives my family nuts, but they can deal with it. The problem is that not everyone hears the music the same. So what I hear in a song, is not the same thing that my wife hears, or better yet the meaning of the song is different for both of us. Right now I am on my 21 pilots kick. I have been listening to them nonstop and found a cover they did of Jar of hearts and now I cannot stop listening to it. My wife on the other hand has exactly the opposite reaction to the song so she wants it changed whenever we are together. I do oblige but it left me thinking about things on a bigger scale. And unfortunately led me to ask a question to my therapist. Damn, now I have to talk about counseling from yesterday.
Well, I said that I am struggling with hope that things will work out. I have been tracking my medications and I make notes about how thing have been going and what my depression level is for that day. I rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being happy and well adjusted and 1 being suicidal. I have not been above a 5 since last Wednesday. I have not told my wife as she has been struggling with her own and I finally helped her climb out yesterday and today. But the main reason I am like this is I don’t know what the end product of all of this will look like.
I asked my therapist “When will things go back to normal? Well not normal because I know they will never be what they were, but what does the end product look like?” What I am wanting to get out of it? Their are certain things that I do not know if I can live without and I don’t know if those are options under our current circumstances. I like isolation at times. I do not want to see, hear, interact, or worry about another human being. I like to have moments to myself. Now since I blew up our marriage I have not been able to get those moments. I don’t know if I can ever get those moments back just like I can never get the moments I lost from cheating on my wife. I lose those moment and she lost them also without her knowledge.
Our therapist today (uugggghhhhh… Now I have brought in all three topics) mentioned that normally in these circumstances we as a couple focus on the person who was betrayed and their healing. She said it often seems that 95% of the healing process is dedicated to that person. The problem is that the person who did the betraying has needs in order to be healed. If those aren’t met then that person can crawl inside of themselves and make it difficult to ever climb back out. Last week when she started going downhill emotionally this is exactly what I did. I put her on the forefront and have tried to get her from dropping further into a depressive state. I finally got her laughing and enjoying herself last night and she said she really feels good today. I am glad that I can always help her like that, but as I was doing this and putting on the brave face I was going down hill just as fast as she was however she never knew. She couldn’t, it would not have helped her situation, only made it worse. I know I have to take care of myself, thanks counselor, but at what cost. Somethings are harder than others. Eating for example, food is gross and disgusting so I just don’t eat. I am not hungry so it is rather easy, but obviously that is a concern for my counselor as well as my sleeping. It think I got off topic. The whole point is that we get lost focusing on the 95% then even if the 95% is healed the other 5% will get lost and may never come back. So in my situation I need to be the 5% but since supposedly I have issues of needing acceptance, love and attention, which makes me being the 5% a huge issue. My issues only get worse because I am only worth 5%. Supposedly it all goes back to my childhood (I think this is crap).
So with the push to talk about my childhood, which came up again today (thanks, honey) and me putting on a brave face to help my wife (which I will always do) I have seen myself slip down the priority list. Both my wife’s list and my own. I am crawling back into a shell. Everyone is going to tell me not to do it, but I really don’t see another option. We cannot have two people in our house in a depressive state, we would never function. So because of the predicament that I have put us in, I feel I need to come behind her.
Back to my original question, what is the end product look like? I am probably the only person that can answer it but with my limited experiences in relationships and dysfunctional childhood I have a hard time knowing anything at this point. For the first 10 years of my marriage I could have told you exactly what the end product looks like in my head, even though we were beginning to have problems already. Hell, 3 years ago I could have told you what the end product would look like, but now? Well, now I have no idea and have no direction. I need a direction to travel toward the goal otherwise I feel we are just spinning our wheels. Maybe I am just feeling particularly hopeless (it is too strong of a word) about me and us because this is two weeks in a row where we have had more bad days than good.
Our little individual goals are kind of helping when we can do them. We are not as consistent with the 15 sec as we need to be. Also I gave her a unfiltered reaction to something when we were talking. It ended with her crying, FML, and then I felt horrible for doing it. I did not insult her or anything like that, I just told her how I was feeling about something. So I am trying but it is hard to, what seems to me, intentionally hurt her. I know in the long run it will help us be more connected, but it doesn’t feel that way right now.
Last thing for today because I am done for the day (emotionally) already and it is only 1:00 pm. I am really struggling with the concept that I am screwed up. Up until a year ago I would have been the model for physical, emotional, and social health. My physical health has been up and down, but for the most part I felt good about myself. I am almost 40 and I still weigh the exact amount I weighed when I graduated high school. I have actually weighed this amount the entire time since HS. Now I feel like every piece of me is being analyzed and then judged as screwed up. My relationship deteriorated and with it my emotional health. I got depression (it sounds like I got a cold), then everyone wants to look back at my childhood, I am constantly injured, and it is pointed out on a regular basis that I have no real friends.
Everything on that list other than the depression has always been there so why is it a big deal. I was fine with all those skeletons in my closet. If they have always been there then why go into them. Why drag up more pain than necessary?
Our therapist today tried to explain it to me by saying that I needed to know that in my childhood none of it was my fault. I never thought it was. She said I needed to be able to not follow in their footsteps. Again not a problem. But both her and my wife think I need to let go of the anger I have and feel compassion for the 8 year old version of myself???? I don’t think after the things I went through will ever allow me to not be angry at them. However, the compassion piece, I have no idea how that would even work. I don’t really understand how that is even possible. I knew back then that it was not my fault and that I would do everything exactly opposite to what they did in parenting. Why, because then I knew I would be a great parent. But that 8 year old version was tough and lived through some serious shit. How do I feel compassionate for myself in the past? I have no clue.
Okay I am done because I talked about everything I did not want to write about today, therapy, childhood, self-loathing… What a treat I am today! But no one will know. I will be the picture boy of happiness and energy because that is what people need of me right now.
Thank goodness for all the things you are not, thank goodness you’re not something someone forgot, and left all alone in some punkerish place, like a rusty tin coat hanger hanging in space. – Dr. Seuss