I Do Not Fear Those Pants With Nobody Inside Them…..But What About The Nobody?

Sex and Intimacy – The glue that binds a marriage but also the dynamite that can blow it apart.

I have been thinking a little bit lately, which is always dangerous.  I really wanted to write about something other than my affair and my childhood.  Who knows, this topic still may overlap into some of that but who knows.

Since starting this blog and writing everything and anything that comes through the space between my ears I have often received comments that sex (and lots of it) and intimacy are what is needed to rebuild my marriage.  After thinking about this for a while and trying to get over my current issues with sex, I can see how it can help and I am more familiar on how it can hurt.  I also believe that you need intimacy as well.  This may seem sexist but I think women need more nonsexual intimacy than men do, but only because I think men have a very hard time separating the two.  Which is what can cause a multitude of problems.

I have always known that my wife has wanted more than sex.  I am pretty smart and I pay attention to most everything that goes on around me.  So I have read many thing on some of the differences.  Most articles and books I have seen always focus on the needs of the woman.  I believe that it is assumed that a majority of males are always lacking in this area.  The information is usually that we have trouble differentiating sex and intimacy so we believe that we are meeting our female partners needs because we are having sex.  I agree with most of this, in that males often confuse those two things and miss the most important parts of a relationship. I am sure there is more current research out there about this topic that may be contradictory but it is what I remember from a number of classes and conferences I have attended.   In my opinion, women would like more nonsexual intimacy which will then lead to a closer bond and more intimate sex.  They are looking for the greetings from the men when you are apart.  She wants to know that she was missed, even if it was for a minute (don’t overdue it, then it just turns creepy).  They also like touching.  Not sexual touching, but holding hands in the car or on a walk.  As you walk by each other in your house, just to reach out and brush her arm or put your hand on her lower back.  Maybe it is coming up behind her as she is doing dishes and cooking and giving her a hug and maybe a kiss on the side of the neck and then offer to help (remember they want you to want to do the dishes 😉  ).  When it is sexual they want the time that leads up to it and also the time after to mean something.  Just laying there with your partner when you are all done, feeling connected, feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling so happy to be with your partner.  This is one of the important times to feel more connected to your partner.  I should also say that there are times and places where both parties are just looking for the physical connection and it can be fast and furious, but the connection can still be there.

None of this may be a shock to any of you as it is in tons of magazines, tv shows, billboards, etc..  But what about the man?  What does he need?  Does he need to feel intimately connected to his wife or partner?  I would say absolutely!  It just looks different.  Part of intimacy is feeling safe and secure with your partner.  You feel you can be there and not be judged by that person.  Men are taught from the media that women are a conquest with having sex as the ultimate goal.  They are taught that the insecurities we feel must be hidden in order to win over the women.  So if you are a conquest how do we get our feelings of intimacy?  I believe that we want the exact same things, with one exception.  That is sex and I will mention more about it in a minute.  Men like to be recognized by their partner.  We like it when we walk in a room and you recognize us.  Just a smile or wink is enough.  When you are close, yes we like you to touch us.  Grab our hand, be aggressive and put our arm around you, slide up and nibble our ear and then laugh as you walk away.  What I think we are looking for is that we are in your thoughts and I believe that women have the same needs.

Now sex is a different beast because while it can make both people feel more connected it can also have the opposite effect.  If one side feels more like a tool being used then it is difficult to feel that connection.  It is one sided.  Also I believe that men’s self-esteem and confidence is tied closely to sex.  If they feel they are not good at it, or are constantly turned down then you can hurt his ability to connect with you because he has to focus more on himself to try and repair the damage.

I went for a long time constantly being rejected without either of us really understanding how bad it was hurting me until it was too late.  But I also needed more than sex, I wanted the connection that came with it.  I wanted to feel like she wanted me there.  I wanted her to want to just lay in my arms and feel safe and loved.  Instead it felt more like a job and the goal was to get it over with.  Part of this was I had not fostered enough intimacy and closeness with her outside of the bedroom.  As my confidence fell so did my desire to please her outside the bedroom because I was scared of the reaction.

So you can drive each other apart by not having these connections and yes I understand they look very differently for each couple but the key is you have to communicate to each other.  You have to be able to tell your partner or show them what you want and need both outside the bedroom and in.  Without it you are just cohabitants.

Why do I write this and who knows how much is influenced by my life.  I am writing this because I believe this is what drove me into a vulnerable state.  We no longer had a connection.  I derived almost all my self-esteem from our sex life, which got worse and worse as the years went along.  She was content in our marriage and thought things were tough but that it was just a rough spell and it would pass.  Did we talk about it?  Numerous times, with no solution.  I believe because I did not recognize how much of what I thought about myself came from the physical intimacy I needed from her.  She only saw my outward personality of a very confident man who was still giving her little moments throughout the day that helped her feel connected to me but I just wanted more sex.

Now what I did, was try and find that connection and validation that I was worth something from someone else.  I searched out that connection and it was easy to create a mirage with someone who would give me physical attention away from the real world.  So I would get it from her and then go home and be back in the environment where I did not feel like I was worth much as a husband and lover.

Now we are making a conscious effort to fulfill those needs for each other.  But it is beginning to be very hard because we cannot see each other much.  As I told her this morning this is where we need to make the few minutes we have together as important as possible.  We need to be present for each other in those moments because it is not the quantity of the moments but the quality.  Hopefully we will make it through.

I do not fear those pants with nobody inside them. – Dr. Seuss

Advertisements

About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in Coffee Affair, June 2015 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to I Do Not Fear Those Pants With Nobody Inside Them…..But What About The Nobody?

  1. emmagc75 says:

    I get the feeling rejected over and over again. And the damage it can do to even otherwise healthy self-esteem..You are right. I missed the sex but I also missed the intimacy, the connection.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      One part I did not even mention was the amount of guilt it causes as well. I used to feel like crap because I was rejected but I also felt guilty for putting her in that situation where she would deny me because then she felt guilty for the rejection. I would also feel extremely selfish for wanting sex and the closeness. Which led to more guilt and a decrease in self-esteem. It also then made me feel like when she did want it that it was only because she felt she “had” to, not that she wanted to. It turned into a nasty vicious cycle where everyone lost.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. emmilywrites says:

    Great insight, here. Our culture disregards the emotional needs of men, from very early on. Consequently, it is hard for the man to even identify them and equally hard to express to his partner.

    We found a board game created by the Gottman Institute, “Couples Retreat”. It has helped us communicate and learn so much more about each other. It’s fun, too.

    At $50, it’s quite a bargain compared to the $130 sessions we were paying for. We ditched the therapist and focused on what we like about one another and strengthening our foundation as friends first.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. KcRambles says:

    This post is spot on. We all crave more than just the sexual part, intimacy, attention, to know we mean more than just a tittle, that we are more than just a habit.
    Even a little of attention, intimacy (none sexual) fuel the fire to keep going. I must admit, I’m very sexual, maybe more so than my h. And he likes more the quality time. The attention I give him. He has a hard time when l am in one of my moods. I tend to be more distant, and cold. He is very affectionate, so it hits him hard when his sweet wife is moody, and wants no touch, no talk.

    I sometimes refer to myself as a cat, when I’m like that. Leave me alone, if I want or need you I’ll come.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Bugsmetwo says:

      Oh this is great! My husband has said I’m like my moody cat. All nice and sweet and putting and then boom, I’ll bite you and hiss a freak out and he won’t know why. I kinda relate to my nerve damaged cat this way. Poor kitty. Poor me and poor husband I guess.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. laceycriley says:

    My thought process has become somewhat of a perverse thing for me (in my head) I don’t know if it’s due to past hurt and abuse, or what.

    Like

  5. Miss Evelyn says:

    I didn’t know you were getting rejected. That must have felt really bad. For me it’s the opposite I can’t say no, as that will lead to him forcing himself on me. it’s worst for me as my husband is from the Stone Age.

    Liked by 2 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      Yes I was constantly rejected which then made the few times we did it seem like a job to her (my perception). I did not feel she wanted to be there. We had no connection and it was the most frustrating thing in the world. It ate away at me until I broke.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Miss Evelyn says:

        When she rejected you, was it only sex or all forms of contact (kissing, touching)? I think for men it’s different as having sex means you her, is the correct ?

        Like

        • bac4sccr says:

          It was both. Mainly it started out as just sex. Then it moved to everything other than a superficial hug and a peck. She was worried that I would read to much into it and expect sex later that night.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Miss Evelyn says:

            Do you think it was because she thought you wanted a “show” from her ? Or was it more of an inconvenience for her.

            Like

            • bac4sccr says:

              I think she was tired and depressed. Then when she felt guilty she became more tired and depressed and it just got worse. I would go through spells of never making an advance just to see if she even wanted me and she never made an effort. To me it felt like a relief to her. I don’t know if that is true but that is how I felt. Now knowing how depression feels I can see how hard it must have been for her.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Miss Evelyn says:

              Depression is just a whole area that’s hard to explain. I deceived myself into thinking I was depressed. For many people, it’s an illness just like any other that needs to be treated properly.

              Like

  6. Let go says:

    I had someone I am close to tell me that coming home from a very stressful day at work was getting so difficult. He wanted his home to be a haven and his wife to let him vent. Men do not seem to be able to be vulnerable enough to open up to other men. He said when he would try to tell her how difficult his day had been she did not have time, or the interest, to listen to him. There are studies that say men only have their wives while women have each other. I think we, as a society, do men a deservice by making them feel unmanly if they show any vulnerability. I know for a fact that my husband is much more vulnerable emotionally than I am. I am all he has. He has tons of friends but no intimate friends. I have both. I am my husband’s backup. You and your wife were in a catch 22 situation. If you exposed your vulnerability and she rejected it then you rejected her because you did not want to hurt anymore. It is so simple on the surface but so difficult underneath to be totally open to another. Just a few rejections shut us down.
    Reading what you have written makes me think you are a good guy who wants an intimate relation with your wife. How you two get there might need a third party. I hope you both recover from the affair. I hope you realize that if you and your AP were to marry life would soon interfere because we don’t live in Paradise.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Oh I realized that the OW and I would never make it.

      As for your comment on men only having wives I completely agree and then when you don’t have her anymore, your life goes into free fall. Then you cling to any lifeline that is available. But if I could have communicated better maybe that wouldn’t have happened.

      Like

      • Let go says:

        I don’t think we always know why we are unhappy. Sometimes it is so nebulous. You might have known things weren’t “right” with your wife but could not put your finger on the reason. Also, men need emotional intimacy but often have no clue that they do.
        I live in the US. You would think we are comfortable with talking about sex but we are not. Tweaking aside we still cling to our puritanical beginnings. Women should rejoice in their men desiring them but often put that last. Women say they hate being objects of sexual desire. Weird. I want my husband to desire me. I have been so angry at him I could shoot him but I have never turned away from him. We belong to each other.
        The happiest couples I know just do such simple, thoughtful things for each other. A cup of coffee beside the bed. A short massage for sure muscles. An inexpensive present just because. I wish my grandparents were alive to teach a class on how to conduct a happy marriage. They never once raised their voices and did a million thoughtful things. You really do reap what you sow.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. 333smp says:

    This was tough to read as my marriage went the same route. Great insights!

    Like

  8. hopingtoheal says:

    Great insight. Once again its like you’re writing about my marriage. I can so relate to this. Its unfortunate that most of us learn this lesson way too late. As girls, we grow up on Disney thinking a knight in shining armor is going to ride along and rescue us. And we’ll live “happily ever after”. Boys are taught to not show emotion, as its a sign of weakness. Its sad, really. And a source of ALOT of problems.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      It’s the Disney effect and it starts so young. If you think about it in grade school when a boy cries he is teased mercilessly, yet a girl will get comforted from her friends.

      Like

      • hopingtoheal says:

        Exactly. Why do we expect different emotions from boys vs girls at the same age? Its tragic really. We create this culture. I think some of it stems from the pressure we feel as parents to have these perfect kids. Who wants to be the mother/father of the boy that’s crying in the corner and be judged. I say who gives a shit? I am pregnant, due in August, and if I have a son he’ll be allowed to cry. He’ll be encouraged to talk about his emotions. I do see my husband having some issue with it. As he grew up having to be the tough kid. He broke both of his legs in elementary school and never cried. He broke one during football practice. When he told his dad (the coach) he couldn’t stand up let alone play, his dad chastised him and basically told him to suck it up. His mom carried him off the field and took him to the ER. One of my friends has a 4 year old son. Every time he comes over he puts on my daughter’s princess dresses, puts on the jewelry and the heels. Its hilarious. Its amazing how many other parents comment that he’s gonna be gay. But yet when a girl plays with guns and other toys generally for boys and is a “tomboy” its acceptable – and actually sexy when they grow up. We’re fucking up our kids. We know it and can see it. But there is such a lack of parenting and people willing to not be judged that it continues. OK, I’m off my soap box now. Sorry for the rant.

        Like

        • bac4sccr says:

          I agree with everything you wrote. My wife had the same approach you are wanting for your child. I don’t think I was 100% supportive but I never stopped how she wanted to raise them. I am so glad I didn’t chastise them because now they will talk to us on a regular basis about their feelings (as much as teenagers will) and not feel judged from us. It definitely different from my upbringing but we’ll worth it. Both my son’s dressed up in dresses. Hell, my second grader dressed up as a cheerleader for Halloween. He wore it to school, bows in his hair and everything. But I have the most well adjusted kids I am happy how it all turned out. That is why it takes two to parent, balance.

          Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s