Another day in this sparkling reality. My kids only have two more weeks of school. I have about two weeks left of work and then I guess we will have a lot of time together. I am actually not overly concerned as of right now because I think I have a job lined up here. With a little luck it all goes well. I guess I won’t know until I am there.
I have been dreading writing a particular post. I have started it, then deleted it and I know I need to go back to it on my head. I really think my mind tried to block it immediately as it has been trained to do over the years. So I know it will take a lot of work for me to get it out. What is the post I am dreading? D-Day 1. It is one of the lowest points in my life. It is the one I am the most ashamed of and the most damaging to both of us, not initially, but it ended up being that way. I am trying to do it without making excuses for my behavior and instead letting everyone see my thought processes on how I handled it. Each time I right another post it inches me closer to that post.
I am not quite too it but the closer it get the harder it is to write about what I went through and how/why I did it. When I last left off we had agreed to go see a counselor. We had no idea who to go to and we sure as hell did not want any of our friends to know we were having problems so we picked one based on reviews and location.
My wife set-up the first meeting. I do not know what she told the people but I was really uncomfortable for the whole counseling thing. I told her going in I wanted the counselors to work on us as individuals before we work on the marriage. So we show up and it is a kind of sketchy building. We go in and I know right away I will never come back. It was dirty and the clientele had a lot to be desired for, in that most were there due to court order, not because they wanted to be there. We after we filled out paperwork, which they asked us to sign some crazy shit, we were shown downstairs to meet our counselor. He was an older man his office space was a mess and he did not look very professional. He had some interesting items behind his desk on the counter that probably should have been put away. I looked at his degrees and certifications and he specialized in drug and addiction issues. All the books he had were on this area. We talked for a bit and he did not listen to a thing we said. Then he handed us a worksheet and said we could schedule our follow-up at the desk. Needless to say we did not go back.
The second one my wife also set-up. It was a much more professional place and was clean and comfortable. My wife met with her before I did because I was out of town. So I was meeting her alone for the first time. My wife really liked her. I was not sold on her but I thought I would give her a try. She asked me where I was in our marriage and I said I was 98% sure I was not going to continue with our marriage. She asked a lot of questions based on what my wife talked about but to be honest she never really got anything out of me. She did not seem interested in why I felt this way. We met with her every week for about a month. Things did not get any better, in hindsight it was because I was still seeing the OW and was not that interested in saving my marriage. I was convinced that it was going to be over. I was there to help my wife realize that as well. I pushed in the sessions that she did not know what she wanted anymore than I did and she needed to figure herself out as much as I did. Well, one session my wife could not go so I went alone. Which I hated doing. I gave her a recap of the week and said nothing had really changed. She told me that there was nothing she could do to help us until we made some decisions so not to bother to come back until we made some decisions. I was a little put back by this but was okay because I had not really liked her anyway.
The third was a few weeks later and we were seeing her during Dday-1. She was the best of the 3 at the beginning but not by the end. We talked and I did feel that she tried to make my position was heard at first. My wife really liked her so we kept going weekly. I told her the same thing, I was 98% done. I did not feel valued, wanted, needed and I knew my wife was not happy in our marriage.
I can’t really keep going on with this until I cover D-Day-1 and that is not happening today. What I did want to say is that I saw 3 different counselors and all of them were destined to fail. Why? I did not want to be there. I was not open, I was bitter and angry but held it all in. I wanted them to tell my wife that it was over without me having to say it. I thought I could get them to realize this and make it known to her. I was just trying to take a cowardly approach to ending things. It was always destined to fail, as was, any chance of us recovering as a couple. I can see the difference now compared to then, and yes our counselor now is 1000% better than any of those 3, but still I was not ready or willing to actually work on us. I was still with the OW and I was fully entrenched in Fantasy Land. Until that changed, there was no help that would work for us.
Just tell yourself, Duckie, you’re real quite lucky. – Dr. Seuss