Just Tell Yourself, Duckie, You’re Real Quite Lucky…..Quack, Quack, Too Bad I Don’t Know Which Type Of Luck It Is

Another day in this sparkling reality.  My kids only have two more weeks of school.  I have about two weeks left of work and then I guess we will have a lot of time together.  I am actually not overly concerned as of right now because I think I have a job lined up here.  With a little luck it all goes well.  I guess I won’t know until I am there.

I have been dreading writing a particular post.  I have started it, then deleted it and I know I need to go back to it on my head.  I really think my mind tried to block it immediately as it has been trained to do over the years.  So I know it will take a lot of work for me to get it out.  What is the post I am dreading?  D-Day 1.  It is one of the lowest points in my life.  It is the one I am the most ashamed of and the most damaging to both of us, not initially, but it ended up being that way.  I am trying to do it without making excuses for my behavior and instead letting everyone see my thought processes on how I handled it.  Each time I right another post it inches me closer to that post.

I am not quite too it but the closer it get the harder it is to write about what I went through and how/why I did it.  When I last left off we had agreed to go see a counselor.  We had no idea who to go to and we sure as hell did not want any of our friends to know we were having problems so we picked one based on reviews and location.

My wife set-up the first meeting.  I do not know what she told the people but I was really uncomfortable for the whole counseling thing.  I told her going in I wanted the counselors to work on us as individuals before we work on the marriage.  So we show up and it is a kind of sketchy building.  We go in and I know right away I will never come back.  It was dirty and the clientele had a lot to be desired for, in that most were there due to court order, not because they wanted to be there.  We after we filled out paperwork, which they asked us to sign some crazy shit, we were shown downstairs to meet our counselor.  He was an older man his office space was a mess and he did not look very professional.  He had some interesting items behind his desk on the counter that probably should have been put away.  I looked at his degrees and certifications and he specialized in drug and addiction issues.  All the books he had were on this area.  We talked for a bit and he did not listen to a thing we said.  Then he handed us a worksheet and said we could schedule our follow-up at the desk.  Needless to say we did not go back.

The second one my wife also set-up.  It was a much more professional place and was clean and comfortable.  My wife met with her before I did because I was out of town.  So I was meeting her alone for the first time.  My wife really liked her.  I was not sold on her but I thought I would give her a try.  She asked me where I was in our marriage and I said I was 98% sure I was not going to continue with our marriage.  She asked a lot of questions based on what my wife talked about but to be honest she never really got anything out of me.  She did not seem interested in why I felt this way.  We met with her every week for about a month.  Things did not get any better, in hindsight it was because I was still seeing the OW and was not that interested in saving my marriage.  I was convinced that it was going to be over.  I was there to help my wife realize that as well.  I pushed in the sessions that she did not know what she wanted anymore than I did and she needed to figure herself out as much as I did.  Well, one session my wife could not go so I went alone.  Which I hated doing.  I gave her a recap of the week and said nothing had really changed.  She told me that there was nothing she could do to help us until we made some decisions so not to bother to come back until we made some decisions.  I was a little put back by this but was okay because I had not really liked her anyway.

The third was a few weeks later and we were seeing her during Dday-1.  She was the best of the 3 at the beginning but not by the end.  We talked and I did feel that she tried to make my position was heard at first.  My wife really liked her so we kept going weekly.  I told her the same thing, I was 98% done.  I did not feel valued, wanted, needed and I knew my wife was not happy in our marriage.

I can’t really keep going on with this until I cover D-Day-1 and that is not happening today.  What I did want to say is that I saw 3 different counselors and all of them were destined to fail.  Why?   I did not want to be there.  I was not open, I was bitter and angry but held it all in.  I wanted them to tell my wife that it was over without me having to say it.  I thought I could get them to realize this and make it known to her.  I was just trying to take a cowardly approach to ending things.  It was always destined to fail, as was, any chance of us recovering as a couple.  I can see the difference now compared to then, and yes our counselor now is 1000% better than any of those 3, but still I was not ready or willing to actually work on us.  I was still with the OW and I was fully entrenched in Fantasy Land.  Until that changed, there was no help that would work for us.

Just tell yourself, Duckie, you’re real quite lucky. – Dr. Seuss

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in Coffee Affair, May 2015 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Just Tell Yourself, Duckie, You’re Real Quite Lucky…..Quack, Quack, Too Bad I Don’t Know Which Type Of Luck It Is

  1. Let go says:

    Other than rape or murder I cannot imagine anything more cruel than telling your spouse you are in counseling while continuing to cheat. It says they are not worth the truth. There is a saying among betrayed spouses that we need to be a choice and not an option. You made your wife an option.

    Liked by 2 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      I agree. I wish I could change how I handled it but all I can do is work on restoring things with her. And I know because of things like this that I did it is a very difficult uphill battle.

      Like

  2. poslaw says:

    Just keep letting it out, man. The truth may be ugly sometimes, but it’s YOUR truth. I commend you for owning it. Not everyone has the courage to do that.

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      Thanks because I feel it just gets uglier from here.

      Liked by 1 person

      • poslaw says:

        Yes. I know. I can see that. But I also see you facing it. I see you standing up and taking responsibility. I see you examining your attitudes and trying to find newer, healthier ways of confronting your feelings and problems. You are conciously evolving, and I think that should be recognized.

        Like

        • bac4sccr says:

          It is exactly what I am doing. I just try to be better than yesterday and know that if it’s not then the next day is a new day to try again.

          Liked by 1 person

          • poslaw says:

            Exactly. What else is there? Denial? Fear? I, for one, think you’re on the right path. I have a lot of respect for you, and I’m not going to beat you up for telling the truth.

            Like

  3. 333smp says:

    You are brave when you admit your vices and mistakes. Whenever one of my kids admits they were wrong I stop everything we are doing and say….. “That is awesome! You were wrong and you spoke it out loud. Most adults won’t do that!” Keep doing it…. When you admit your faults they stop controlling you. Again…. Very brave.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Let go says:

    I get frustrated reading all the cheater blogs where remorse morphs into a “group think” “we are all so sad” ongoing dialogue. Everyone begins with “I know how you feel blah blah blah”. Don’t let other cheaters make your remorse less severe. You need humility and honest despair at what you did to your wife. She is in mourning for a marriage that is never going to be the same. I think your blog is a very good outlet for you. I also think you need to make sure you remain humbled by the fact that your wife is still with you. I am sure you broke her heart. Real reconciliation can only happen when you “get” what you did to her. There was a blog written by a man much like you who finally woke up to what he was doing but by then his wife had reached out into the net for support and found a man who provided it. It became an EA and then physical and it nearly killed him but he realized he had no moral ground to stand on. He had opened the door…she just followed him through.
    Good luck with your marriage. I hope both of you find solace in each other.

    Liked by 1 person

    • poslaw says:

      Just for the record… I was a betrayed spouse.

      Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      Thanks for your comment. I am definitely humbled by what I have done and am amazed at her willingness to stay and try and work this out. You are right that I have to continue to show that I am remorseful for what I have done and also reminder her that she is special and what I truly want. Don’t feel afraid to speak your mind. I welcome it.

      Like

  5. You started couples therapy while still seeing the OW?? I am completely flabbergasted by the blatant disregard you had for “saving” your marriage while turning up to counselling pretending to do so. Your wife would have had every reason to kick you to the curb. You are a very, VERY lucky man. Don’t ever forget that. She has been emotionally flogged, will likely never fully trust you again, and you showed the ultimate disdain for your life together by continuing to see the OW after being busted. I am really quite stunned at the way you treated her. Is this how you treat all people? Or just the ones you purport to love? Ugh, I am just so mad and disappointed at how you treated your wife. SW

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      I did say this was beginning to be the ugliest part of my story. It gets worse and I regret every minute of it. I do know I am lucky and have a lot of fixing to do. I know that. It will take years and years and she probably will never fully trust me again. I have to live with that everyday of the rest of my life.

      Like

  6. I do have a question, I understand if you don’t answer. I always wondered why my ex husband went to counselling for 2 years with me while he continued cheating, and when he was caught the 2nd time, he said – I am paraphrasing, but I have saved the email because every once in awhile when I feel sorry for him I re-read it so I can get perspective of the situation. He said to me “I always tried in our marriage, even when I was with Stacey, I bought you things, I took you to dinner, I took you on vacation”.
    I have struggled to understand this behavior or his statement, but maybe you could explain it to me.

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      I can tell you my line of thinking on this but it may not be his. My affair was only a little over 6 months which I think is different from 2 years.

      While my wife and I were going to counseling and I was having the affair I was very clear to them that I was 95-98% done with the marriage. I used the “I love you, but am not in love with you.” thinking. I know I had two thought processes competing although one was constantly over powered by the other. I went in hoping the counselors would help my wife to see she was not happy. I still genuinely think she was not, however, she wanted them to “fix” our marriage. They always went with her approach and not mine. This was frustrating to me because I would say things and be disregarded because they were about us as individuals and how we should take care of ourselves first and then decide if we should be married.

      The lesser thought that was hidden in the background was the 2-5% that I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted her to realize that she really loved me and I wanted to feel that love for her I have had to bury so far down it still has not surfaced. This was a glimmer of hope that I think I clang to even though I did not consciously know that at the time. Otherwise I would have never agreed to see the third therapist. I would have just said we are beyond help and lets move on. Some part of me wanted us to win, and eventually it broke through little by little.

      I don’t know if this answers your question. I know I would do the work the counselors asked and I tried to be as revealing and honest (if that is possible) without revealing the affair. So I would say I want this…, I miss this…, what do you want from me to make you happy… (this has never been answered too by the way). So I feel like I was working on it, but I was also working on destroying it faster. I thought I knew which way I wanted to go, but I really didn’t. It was never the counseling in the end that made a difference. It was our constant communication after it all came out that made the difference. And both of us expressing what we needed and wanted (as well as we could at the time). This is still a work in progress, but hopefully it keeps getting better.

      Like

      • Ok, this is helpful. Your situation different but this part…. So I feel like I was working on it, but I was also working on destroying it faster.
        That was helpful. I always felt like he wanted to destroy himself with his behavior.
        He would say he wanted to save our marriage and loved me and stopped seeing the girlfriend, but he didn’t and had the dual life thrill – plus it seemed he really wanted to hurt me – get me back for the pain he was feeling he felt I caused (possible hating his mom and punishing me was always something I felt but could not prove). So saying one thing, while secretly trying to destroy it (I think he was missing that part you had with the hope of 2-5% marriage working).
        Ok, this gives me a little insite – so thanks. Wishing you the best, and happy weekend!

        Like

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