What am I doing?
Does anyone know? I really don’t know and it is scary as hell. I feel like I need to either hide in a deep dark hole or become some beast in order to survive.
I am the type of person who needs a plan. I need to know what is going on all the time. I want a detailed itinerary, time line, constant report of progress, etc… I think this is what kind of drew me to the OW. She was nothing of the sorts.
From the time we started messaging back and forth, I knew she was nothing like me. She was a fly by the seat of your pants type of girl. She flew from paycheck to paycheck never really planning ahead too much. Even if she did, she would change these plans without even thinking twice. She was nothing like me.
She had tattoos and she drank on a daily basis. It was just wine, which she taught me to enjoy, but we rarely drank even with friends. She spoke her mind and never held back. If she did not like you or what you were doing then you would know. It is not as if she was mean, she wasn’t, just very upfront. All things that were supposed to be taboo, according to my upbringing, were packaged in her.
She liked concerts and the same types of music as I did. We were so different, yet we felt the same in so many ways. I believe that because she was so open that it made it very easy to be the person I had always held inside.
Why have I held this person inside? I mentioned that my wife was still going to church so I kept those things away so she and my kids did not have to have awkward conversations about it. Was it a big deal? Yes and No. I felt like I have had to hide myself for years and years and she made me comfortable, even encouraged me to explore myself at times. She was refreshing. She made me feel alive and free.
She was very open sexually. She would talk about everything like it was the weather. It was weird at first but then it made me feel so comfortable. Did we do a whole lot of wild shit that I never did with my wife? Actually, no. The frequency was greater with the OW but not the variety. My wife has always been willing, when we actually did have sex, to try anything once. But I could not talk to her about it like I could with the OW. Would it have stayed that way had I stayed? I doubt it. She craved excitement and one of the ways she did it was sexually. She would have pushed boundaries that I might not even want to explore.
On one of my road trips I came across an advertisement for something, I don’t even remember what it was, but it led me to a site for a BSDM/Sexploration convention. It was not just a BSDM, it had many other sides to the exploration of sex. The group had blocked the whole hotel and you were able to go around see and try new things if you wanted. I was curious. I would have gone. Would I have participated in the activities? I highly doubt it. I just wanted to see what else is out there. I showed the convention to both the OW and my wife and got two completely different reactions. I guess I knew I would, but maybe I was a little hopeful. We even talked about it and my wife said she had no interest in going and watching other people have sex. I told her that was not all it was and those things could be avoided, but she was having none of it. It is not like I was convincing her to go. I knew I couldn’t because of work, but I just wanted to see what each would say about it. The OW was all for it. She wanted to book the ticket right there and then. Two sides of a coin that I have to call heads or tails.
Now while she was a lot of fun there were obviously down sides as well. She had a lot of financial issues. Mostly due to lack of planning. She owned her own business, but was drowning. I helped her put things together to adequately track her expenses and revenue. This helped stabilize things for a bit, but I don’t know if she was ready to do what it would truly take to make her business successful.
Once we got close there always seemed to be some sort of drama. It might be family, work, or friend related but there always was some drama. I miss read this at first as her opening up and sharing with me. While she did do that, I just think she wanted company to experience the drama with her. I tried to stay out of almost all her drama. The only thing I did do was help her finish her divorce with her ex. She agreed to the divorce, but then let him do all the paperwork and file everything. When I read her papers she was getting screwed. The main thing was that she was giving up custody of her son. She just took his word for it that they would share him. He told her that it did not matter what the paperwork said and it had to be written this way. I explained all the ramifications to what she was giving up and then she quickly changed her mind and got her own lawyer. In the end she got 50/50 which is probably best for them.
As I got to know her more and more, I learned about her life. I learned about her first marriage and why it ended. Then she had a long-term relationship that eventually fell apart and then her most recent marriage. She was a tornado of personality and sexual excitement and I was sucked right in like Dorothy.
I know I am spending all my time on her today. I am not sure why. Maybe because it is memorial day and I am remembering the things that I have lost. It may be that I have been sharing a few things with some other bloggers that made me think of this or maybe it was just time to remember. The good part of this is that even as I write all of this I recognize that it is in the past. Something that will never come again. I can look back at that time and her and feel sentimental about all of it, but I don’t wish for it to return. Are there parts I will miss? Absolutely, but that is something I can work on with my wife. We can try and be a little more spontaneous. It is hard with kids but not impossible. There are others but that was a good quick example.
So for today, I am good. She is in my past and I am working on one thing at a time. I am still trying to be brutally honest with my wife but I am struggling. My normal answer when she asks me how I am doing for the last 22 years has been fine. It is difficult to change. No point in moving on to the next thing until I get this one finished.
Is today better than yesterday? Yes, I think it is. And right now, this very minute, I am watching my wife sleep. She fell asleep on the couch while resting from doing her exercises from her surgery. She is amazing. I can just look at her and know that I do love her and we are going to make it.
It will be difficult but we will struggle together. We will conqueror this massive mountain we have put in our path. I know once we get to the top and look down at where we came from we will be amazed at how far we really came. Then we will look down the other side and know that we can take any of the paths down but the choice is ours. Ours together.
Happy Memorial Day Everyone!
He who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. – Dr. Seuss