It has been a long day. Not exactly bad, but not good. I will say that so far it is better than the day before it, so I have made progress. I spent the morning reading and commenting on blogs. It was nice and relaxing. In a way, I can see other people’s problems much more clearly than my own. The solutions seem simple (but actually implementing the solution never is) and I like to help people so I try when I can. Sometimes it may be just a friendly word or it might be me helping teach the neighbor boy how to actually mow the lawn.
My problem is I am struggling with my role in the healing process. I have accepted responsibility and I know I need to help her heal and I am supposed to heal myself and also work on our marriage. That is a lot of things to juggle at one time, especially for someone who does not deal with emotions well. I need to prioritize who comes first, but that is nearly impossible.
I should put my wife first because she is the victim in this affair. She never got a say in any of it so she should come first. Then I would think my marriage would come next and myself last. Sounds simple but it is not at all this simple. How can I put her first when I struggle to get out of bed? Is this just another example of me being selfish? If I have to put myself first to help her then my marriage comes last? But if it is last, neither of us would want to stay. So does it come before both of us? But then that would put her last and that is not fair to her. She needs to come before the marriage because at the end of the day she may not want to stay, so I need to help her heal first. I mean I really want a wife who is happy and healed so she has to come before the marriage. So then I am last in all of this. That sounds right but if I cannot function because I am not good myself then I am no good for anyone. What a mess?
These things go over and over in my head. I know there is no right or wrong answer to these questions and I am sure they mostly are dependent on the situation, but that does not make it any less difficult to stop going over them.
I am not looking forward to going back to life after the weekend. I have been here helping my wife after surgery, taking care of the kids and making sure everything is taken care of and I like this job. But Tuesday, it all goes back to the craziness, except my wife will still be healing and I cannot be here to help. I am hoping she will be up and moving by then so I don’t freak out all day.
I took the kids to Tomorrowland while my wife was sleeping. I was surprised that I did not have a huge trigger or something like that while I was there, but the movie was really good. I would be okay actually paying for it again. There were some quotes in the movie that I should have wrote down because I really thought they made me think in a positive light. Once my wife can move around then I will try and take her to it.
I know this is a rambling post. I am in full avoidance mode. I am trying not to talk, think, and picture anything about her or the affair. This means my thoughts have to go from one to the next without time to pause and really think. Just move on so you don’t feel. See it then move on to the next and never fully focus on what is in front of me or in my head. It is a good way until you get a head full of negatives that never end. Then it is much harder. Right now, I don’t have the negatives just a lot of stuff.
My youngest keeps asking to go to one of our old family friends. I say old because we are trying to stay away from them. If you keep up with my posts, this is the family that the wife made a pass at me a few years ago and I did the right thing. I said no, removed myself from the situation and called my wife. They are also the leaders of the church my family used to go to. Since my wife has stopped going they use him to bug us about coming to church. They know I really have no interest in going because I have never hid this from anyone. My wife has tried to go but last year she decided to stop going. Well, my son still likes playing with their kids and we allow it sometimes, but each time we do he comes home with church question after church question. It drives us both nuts. So today I am unfortunately not letting him go over there. He doesn’t get it, he just knows that he can’t see his friends. What a mess! Instead it has been movie, board games, playing outside, you name it we are trying to do it today. Poor kid.
Now what. What do I do? I have been thinking about this for a while. Lots of people have been sending advice and letting me know what they see from their perspective which is extremely helpful but I still have to decide on a path. I feel we are going nowhere. We are still stuck in our relationship. Yes, we are getting back to where we were, but we can both agree it is no where close to where we want to be. Some days I wonder if we ever will get there, but I will try. I will fight. I will see if what we are now making can be what we both want. We can see what this marriage we currently have will become. Will it morph into a beautiful butterfly or will it hatch a demon from hell? Who knows?
Last thing and then I am off. I have been toying with the idea of writing a story. I started one a long time ago and I am thinking about picking it up. I would create a separate page for it but I am trying to decide if it will be worth it. I have never really written before. Not like this and except for the story not any other time. I will have to decide. In a way it is just as scary as writing all this, but a different scary.
Did I mention that this is a rambling post?
It’s not about what it is, it’s about what it can become. – Dr. Seuss