I Know, Up On Top You Are Seeing Great Sights, But Down Here At The Bottom We, Too, Should Have Rights….Unless The Bottom Is Where You Think You Need To Be

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue,  I think life hates me and I do too.

I don’t even remember finishing the post last night.  I had to go back and read to see what I wrote.  Not much.  Well, I mentioned that my wife had surgery and it went well.  No surprises and she was in and out in 30 min.  We were a little worried because there was a large lump that the doctors did not know what it was.  It turned out to be nothing but still a little worrisome.

So yesterday was filled with stress and anxiety and migraines.  It was a great combinations.  Add in the fact that I had bad migraines all last summer (probably related to stress) and it made for a huge trigger fest for today.  Everything is a trigger.  Music, headaches, drugs, my car, the beach, ice cream, I cannot think of one thing I did today that was not a trigger.  I saw her everywhere.  I think every movie ever made has some link back to my situation.  It really sucks. I have been working hard in my depressed and anxiety filled state to stay busy enough that I am amply distracted.  I am failing miserably.

Before I got on here I just sat here thinking that I might want to contact her.  I don’t know why.  I really don’t want to talk to her at all.  I just want to see her for some reason.  This is going to be hard to tell my wife when she wakes up.  I already told her that she is in my head today and won’t go away.  I don’t know if I want to see her to just put my toe back into fantasy land just for a minute because reality has been difficult lately.  Maybe I am subconsciously thinking it is the break I need from reality just to calm me down.

That is what I would do last year.  Things get tough I would just talk with her or go see her to escape.  Then I would be somewhere that I thought none of my problems could touch me.  I think this is a big motivator for people to stay in these relationships even though they know it is wrong and they need to end it.  It is their escape that they are giving up.  The ability to not feel the everyday stress just for a few moments.  To be able to go where someone treats you like you are the most amazing person in the world and neither of you have a care in the world.  Sometimes you talk about how good you are together and how if you stayed together it would always be like this.

But deep down we know it won’t.  We know underneath it all it is just our escape fantasy.  It is our way to run away from our troubles.  Most of us do love our significant others, we are just in a place that seems hopeless.  It seems like the drudgery of a repetitive job that you hate and the other person provides you that time off that allows you to recharge your batteries.

It isn’t until now that I realize how correct my wife was about my life and how events that built up over the last few years just wore away at me. It was so slow that I really didn’t know that it had happened.  I just assumed everything around me had changed, not me.  When the reality was both had changed, myself for the worse.  For me it was job and health related.  For two straight years I have taken jobs that I was not thrilled about and for two straight years I have hurt myself at the beginning of the summer.  This took away the only escape I used to have.  It was an escape that I built up as a kid to get away from my home life.  I would play sports and I was very good.  Why, because I threw everything I had into them every time.  I held nothing back.  I would also practice every moment I could.  It let me focus on something else.  Rather than what was happening at home I would focus on dribbling with my left hand, how the ball would feel against me hand when I would dribble it correctly.  I would do it for hours and hours.  I would do it in the dark on the corner under the street light.  I would kick a ball against a wall learning how to control it, hit it correctly, do moves.  I tried it all.  I would be so focused that nothing else mattered.  I remember as a kid needing to learn to swim, so I watched the Olympics and then jumped in and went at it.  Luckily I did not drown but I imitated what I saw and was able to swim in moments.  It was all my escape.

I still play that way.  I put everything into the games I play.  That doesn’t mean I cannot enjoy what I do, I do immensely, but that is not the main reason for me playing.   So now this will be year three with a job change (hopefully) and me being hurt and not being able to play and escape.  Maybe that is why I want to see her.  Just to get that moment.  I do not know what to do right now to replace it, or how to get it from somewhere else.  It is the only way to shut off my brain.  So now what?

I should have had a good day.  I took my kids to the lake.  I played with them and their friends for a few hours, bought them all ice cream and still she was still there.  The need was still there.  I can home and tried to work it off doing yard work.  Nope, made it worse.  So now I am here just trying to figure out how to get through all this.

I read a lot of blogs on here and I see many betrayed spouses wonder why we still want to contact the other person if we are committing to you.  It may be that we need that escape.  We need the distraction.  For me I have made things worse for my wife, my family, and myself which only increases the amount of anxiety.  Add it to what I was feeling before all this happened and I have a great ball of crap.  Now I have added anxiety and no way to distract myself from it.  It honestly is what has shifted a lot of my thoughts so negatively.   I see no escape in the near future.  Maybe escape is a poor word, a break would be more accurate.

Now I am also worried that my wife has this ability to get a break as well.  What does she need to get the momentary break away from all this stress.  I don’t know.  She gets massages every once in awhile, maybe that helps her.  I will have to find out.  Maybe her brain works differently.  I guess I could just be crazy and that is why I think this, but I really do not think so.  Why?  Well when she was depressed all those years we kept looking and looking for her to find things to do that would get her away from us.  We tried a thousand different things and without any luck.  Right now I am hoping that her boxing class gives her this because I know she really enjoys going.  If not, well then we need to find her something.

Where do I go from here?  I wish I knew.  Today was not better than yesterday, third day in a row.  But the beauty of the way we track it is that tomorrow is a new day.  Maybe it be better, if not there is always the day after.  Well, I can only go so low before I have to make some sort of progress.  I just hope it is sooner than later.

Some holiday weekend.  It is the first one I have had free in years and look what I do with it.  At least no one can really tell.  I have my happy face on and am giving it the old boy scout try.  Bring on tomorrow because I need to be done with today.

I know, up on top you are seeing great sights, but down here at the bottom we, too, should have rights. – Dr Seuss