I wrote s quick post yesterday after I got home from work yesterday and posted it. It was all about counseling. I asked the question of what to do when I get conflicting information from my counselors. Do I follow my therapist or do I follow our marriage counselor? I did not give you much information to go off of in order to make a recommendation. So I will try and expand as much as I feel comfortable. The item of discussion has to do with contact with the OW. That is about as much as I can give for the moment. I am open to suggestions.
As for last night, well my night did not get better between the two of us. I think it got much worse. She is angry and I do understand why, even though it is about fiction. She is angry because “If my kids years down the road decide to participate in a particular religious ceremony I will not be able to be part of it.” Why did I not think about this? That is what she kept yelling at me. I have a thousand reasons why, but it won’t matter because the real issue is I limited the options of my family. That is what she is angry and frustrated about. We did not make any headway on this discussion and I don’t know that we would or will.
So I am tired of talking about all this now. I should move along to my story as it has been a long time since I talked about it. I have been specifically avoiding writing about it because this is where I look the worst. This is where I made the biggest mistakes and then committed to more of them. This is where I left reality. Here is the post with what happened leading up to this: You Are You But you will see, I was living in the moment and only for myself without fear of repercussions.
So I got rejected the day before I planned on going and seeing the OW. I was already in trouble but I was quickly approaching the point of no return. I was hurt, lost and rejected. I had someone showering me with praise and telling me how funny and attractive I was. So I decided to go. In the end you might think it was a really gut wrenching decision. That I thought of all the possible problems this would cause. That I looked 30 years into the future and saw how it might affect everyone around me. The honest truth, it wasn’t that hard of a decision.
I was tired of not being wanted. I was tired of being insignificant. I was tired of all of it. Did I believe that my role as a dad would change? Nope! I am a very good dad and I knew that wouldn’t change. I will always be there for my kids regardless of what is going on in our personal lives. Was I hugely concerned with my wife’s feelings? That is a tough one because I knew I wouldn’t get caught. I also really did not think she would care because she has often told me that I should just go fill my needs somewhere else. She would tell me that for years when we would fight about sex, but I didn’t want anyone else. And I really wasn’t going down for the sex. I was going for the attention and how she made me feel about myself.
So the next day I used what ever excuse I set up and off I went. I carved out 4 or 5 hours. When I got down there I met her at her coffee shop. We talked for a bit and then I asked if she would like to go to lunch. We walked next door to a place she liked and had lunch. We talked and talked. There was never the awkward silence, it just felt good. After lunch she asked if I wanted to go back to her place. I paused. This is the only time I thought, “Should I really be doing this?” She walked over kissed me and that pretty much changed my mind. We went to her place and well for the next 3 hours we… Well I am sure you can use your imagination. At the time I can say I was not seriously emotionally connected to her, connected, but not seriously. I can also say it was some of the best sex I have ever had. Why was it the best I ever had? It was because she was expressive enough for me to understand what she liked and did not like, how to move, and I love focusing on the pleasure of my partner. I know I will end up getting mine so I spend a lot of time on my partner. I really enjoy it. (OK – TMI). I felt good about how I made her feel and that I satisfied her. That made me think, “Hey, I might not be bad at this.” She also told me that it was the best she ever had (I really don’t know whether or not to believe it), but I did not care. It was not very hard to agree to come back.
Then I had the drive home. What was I thinking about on the drive? Was I devastated and ashamed about what I was doing? No, I wasn’t. I was reliving it in my head and then as I got close I had to think about what I was going to say and how I was going to make sure I did not get caught. I had a few claw marks that I had to figure out how to explain. I really wasn’t all that concerned. It is not like I had been getting any attention so I really did not think I would even talk about anything. That is pretty much what happened. I got home and other than my kids and their quick hello’s, nothing. Then it was can I do this, and help with this, and blah, blah, blah… I jumped right in to help and thought this may not be as hard as I expected.
The OW and I texted back and forth the rest of the night. My wife went to bed early and I stayed down stairs watching TV and texting. The OW kept going on about how good it was and how she really enjoyed it. Now I can guarantee that my wife has never once told me how much fun anytime we sex was, never! It was a tremendous boost to my ego.
I was riding my bike daily by this point. I would ride for a few hours. I did not care where or really how fast I went. It was for a workout so I didn’t stroll along, but this is when I did a lot of thinking. This is where I would try and figure out how to proceed. Well, most of the time I would think up little things to do to see if my wife was even the slightest bit interested in me.
She left with my daughter for a week and I went down and saw the OW again while they were down there. My wife called me and asked me to bring stuff to her one day and I did. At this point I think we were going on two weeks where we had been in the same bed once. Only spent 18 hours together with 8 of it sleeping. So I kind of thought I would get some type of “hey I am missing you” type of response. Nope. Nothing, I dropped off what she wanted and she said thanks and was off.
Now I was not the only person who was distant during this time. My wife had decided she was going to make some huge life changes because she could not stand who she was. She began a shake, exercise, and cleansing program, (which to her credit is still using and has lost about 60 pounds. She weighs less now than she did in HS). I wanted nothing to do with it as I mentioned before because I was tired of her blaming herself for not following through and finishing it and if I tried to reminder her to do it. Then there was a ton of guilt and it would further her depression. This also created another rift between us. We spent less and less time together and sometimes never saw each other.
Her family planned a huge family outing that everyone was going to. My wife wanted to go and take the kids. I had no problem with this, but she also kept asking me to go. There was no way I was going to get stuck with her family in close quarters with our relationship the way it is. I found a way to “have” to work so I could not get it done.
The week before they left my wife and I were not on speaking terms. My car had just blown up so we were down to one car. I had joined and adult league and had a game one Sunday. Well during the game someone fell on my leg very awkwardly. It hurt tremendously. I had road the 6 miles there on my bike. I sat on the sidelines for the rest of the game and tried to decide what to do next. I had offers to get a ride but I declined them all. And if you cannot tell I am extremely stubborn and pig-headed. I decided to ride home. So I hobbled to my bike and rode it home. I got home and she wanted to take me to the hospital. I would not let her. I said I will just ice it and it will be fine. I went to bed and woke up at 2am because it hurt so bad. I laid there until my wife went to work and then went to the hospital. Surprise, surprise it was broken. Awesome, I now have a broken leg for the summer. What a miserable time. Well I got home and was berated for not telling her, not going earlier, not taking care of myself, not calling her and riding home on it, and I am sure a host of other things. I just took it and the moved on. There was no real reason to fight. She was leaving in a day or two so I just had to make it to then.
This whole time I am constantly communicating with the OW. We text and she constantly sends me pics. I don’t and none of her’s were inappropriate but it was a way to show me she was thinking about me. I loved and craved the attention. I was still going and seeing her once or twice a week. We got into a pretty good schedule of seeing her on a certain day and time every week and other days as bonuses.
Every time I was with the she wanted to talk about my wife. She would point out similarities between the two of them. How she was like that and she was not happy. Her moving on was the best thing for her and the best thing for her husband. Now they can both go and be happy. She would say her depression was caused by the relationship and her wanting to avoid the life I have made for her. All of this made perfect sense. Plus she had lived it, so she must know what she is talking about. I listened to every word and was able to see everything in my situation. I was convinced that I was the reason for my wife’s unhappiness. Now to clarify, she never told me all this she just pointed out how she felt and had similar behaviors that my wife is displaying.
Time flew by. My wife and kids went on their trip. I spent a ton of time with the OW. When my family got back I was constantly unhappy at home because I was a failure there and was unwanted. My wife was still very stand offish and while we parented together we hardly talked. We never really talked about us, it should stayed out of reach like a large elephant hiding in the room. I started talking to her about separating and she flipped out. She told me how she wasn’t unhappy. I asked if she was happy and she said no. She was content. WTF does that mean. She said it isn’t bad. I asked if she wanted to be happy and she said that in the end everyone just moves to being content.
This was the first time we really started to talk. She suggested that we see a counselor. I was not opposed to the idea because I could show her how unhappy she really is and then she would see it would be best to split up. So we began counseling…
Sorry for the long post. Hopefully you are not asleep yet.
I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful one-hundred percent! ― Dr. Seuss
One counselor told you to (??) and another counselor told you to (??), regarding WHAT about contact with the OW?
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You want to contact the OW?
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Not sure about what advice you are being given about the OW, so its hard to comment. The way you’ve written about it gives the impression you want contact with her or have had contact that you haven’t shared with your wife. In any case – honesty and transparency are your only options. If you have had contact, your wife deserves to know. If you want contact, your wife deserves to know. Any contact with her is dangerous and honestly another slap in the face to your wife. If you are committed to your marriage you can only rebuild trust and intimacy through honesty.
Like I said, hard to give suggestions when the bigger picture isn’t clear.
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Exactly. It’s a bit hard to understand what you are trying to say. It’s a bit cryptic, but I totally agree with everything hopingtoheal says. Be honest with your wife if you have contacted or are struggling with wanting to.
And if you want to contact her think first what it is you truly want and think you are going to get out of it.
Personally I think any contact will only set you back in moving on, and trying to heal/repair your marriage. It is hard to fix and work on something when your mind and want is not 100% in that. It is kind of like you can’t be in two places at the same time.
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I agree with everything everyone has commented about. Now I have appreciated your advice given to me before. Thank you for that. What I am going to say is going to be mean.
I hate you. But I am thanking you for your courage to write about some details of your affair. The part about how you felt in the way home to your wife is heart wrenching to read. I may be projecting my hate onto you but I hate that you did this to your wife and to you. Okay. Enough meanness as you probably don’t need anymore negativity or punishments.
Now about your conflicting advice – I want to know what advice you were given. I hope it is good advice and not harmful. I really really hope you listen to the real gut feeling rather than the quick pleasurable feelings. I hope there will be no contact as you may set your wife over to far and lose everything for good. You have to communicate with her. Your wife is not the enemy. You need to work on your marriage.
So you had great sex with the OW who was lying and manipulative just to be with you. You were selfish and you regret your actions and the OW knows this. She should not be important to you in any way shape or form. Your wife needs to be the center of your focus and your reassurance needs to be upfront and loud so she can heal! Gosh shout it from the rooftops of you must! If you truly live your wife, tell her and anyone else that will listen! She needs to know she is the most important woman in your life.
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I don’t think it’s kind or fair to project anger from our own situations onto this man who seems to feel enough guilt for a dozen cheating husbands. He obviously loves his wife and it was always her he truly wanted.
But they are right about no contact. It’s a slippery slope. Does she really matter anyway? From reading your posts, she was never #1 in your heart. Let her go. And yes I know I’m a hypocrite cause I had contact. Yes it helped me heal but it also setback my recovery and made me sad.
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I really like your comment. There should be a lot of people who hate me after that post. I just said that I cheated on my wife without feeling very guilty about it. I would expect nothing less. I mean I hate myself for doing it now. Don’t worry the lack of guilt does not last long and my life becomes horribly miserable. So you can look forward to that as a type of Karma. I would like to point out that I really believed that my wife was done with me. Of course if that was the case why not just divorce and do it right. Good point and I don’t have a good answer.
I would like to comment on the sex. I never had bad sex with my wife, it wasn’t spectacular. It was just unexpressive. Now, I never said anything to her about it but she has changed on her own and really when we have sex it is as good as with the OW. Obviously there isn’t the excitement of something that is forbidden, but there is a different type of connection that an affair can never copy.
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Thanks and I am so rooting for you to get through this! When I was reading your post I kept thinking of the latest quote by Peter from the show Mad Men when he was talking to his brother about affairs, he said “it feels good and then it doesn’t”. I really do have high hopes for you and your wife. I appreciate your honesty here. I am glad you are having good sex with your wife as that is important too. Your thoughts are important to all of this healing for both of you. When I e had more sleep, I can comment better on the positives you wrote. I am very glad for you.
Ditto what everyone said here. It was a FANTASY! Remind yourself of that every time you want to contact her. It wasn’t real. You did not have bills to pay with her, rubbish to take out, mortgage commitments to meet, rushed meals at the kitchen bench/in the car as your commitment to something other than her comes up, kids to run around with, talk with, mop up their vomit/pooh, hairballs you have to fish out of the shower plugholes, kids you have to guide and love. You had your several hours here and there, you got to text and share intimacies, but you never saw her at her worst, only ever at her best. Of course the sex was great, you got to anticipate it on the drive to her, in the time it took between deciding to hook up and actually get there – how often do you get that anticipation with your wife? Add in the excitement of doing the forbidden……
I know that cheaters mourn the loss of an AP. I get that. But you know who she really is now. She is manipulative, a liar, a cheat, and she never cared about you the way you thought, or she wouldn’t have moved on. (I have no desire to ever be with anyone else, he was the love of my life, there is no “next.”) Never make contact with her ever again, and if you ever do, you HAVE to let your wife know, as any secrets now are more damaging than the affair itself. If you must, write her a “closure” letter, one you will NEVER send. To get it out of you, to get it from eating your insides.
Like the others, I am very interested to hear what the counselling clash is about?
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Please do NOT contact her.
I completely understand how easy it is to get caught up in the lust of the affair, been there, done that, but it wouldn’t transfer into “real life”.
I’m sorry for the stress you are feeling within your marriage right now. Please keep in mind it will get better. Your wife is experiencing a whirlwind of emotions as she figures out the new “post affair” marriage. Stick with her.
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I’ve been drawn to your story because I’ve seen some similarities between your story and mine.
B often described his relationship with W how you’ve described yours pre-affair. It was very roommate like. He felt very taken for granted. He often remarked that I made him feel wanted again. I understand how intoxicating that can feel. B did the same thing for me. He made me feel wanted again. B & W rarely spent time together. He had surgery last fall and was in the hospital for 3 days. W was at the hospital for about 1 hour during that time. They were very disconnected, which made our relationship sound very good to him.
Now some differences are I was very in love with B. I tried to date others (with his knowledge) and it just never could go anywhere. How could it when I was deeply in love with B?
Anyway… I don’t know why I mentioned all of that expect for maybe to say that I get it.
Your thoughts on contact with the OW are very vague so it’s hard to offer any advice. I’m not sure if you saw my post, but I got a letter in the mail from B 3 weeks ago. It was hard. It was extremely bittersweet. Last night was the first good night of sleep that I got in 3 weeks. I’ve been fighting the urge to see B since I got the letter. It was very sad. I understand his explanations for why he stayed but knowing he still loves me does not help me move on.
Again… that’s more about me than you.
If you are tempted to contact the OW I would question your motivation. I understand you are very angry with her. Is that why? What would you be trying to get out of that contact? I don’t think you will get closure. I will say that any contact would have to happen with your W’s full knowledge or else you will find yourself on that slippery slope again. No contact is no new pain. Contact with OW at this point will hurt all of you.
Another thought I had was maybe your W wanted to talk to OW? I wouldn’t recommend that either. W tried to call me. I answered and she hung up on me. I knew it was her because she called me from her work. All it did was piss me off. I was very tempted to call her back and tell her things that would probably rip her to pieces. Not because I was angry with her but I was angry with B. I wanted to hurt W to hurt him. Luckily I am a better person than that. I don’t indulge petty thoughts and I am not a mean person. I changed my phone number the next day.
I hope that you can get back on the upswing.