I wrote s quick post yesterday after I got home from work yesterday and posted it. It was all about counseling. I asked the question of what to do when I get conflicting information from my counselors. Do I follow my therapist or do I follow our marriage counselor? I did not give you much information to go off of in order to make a recommendation. So I will try and expand as much as I feel comfortable. The item of discussion has to do with contact with the OW. That is about as much as I can give for the moment. I am open to suggestions.
As for last night, well my night did not get better between the two of us. I think it got much worse. She is angry and I do understand why, even though it is about fiction. She is angry because “If my kids years down the road decide to participate in a particular religious ceremony I will not be able to be part of it.” Why did I not think about this? That is what she kept yelling at me. I have a thousand reasons why, but it won’t matter because the real issue is I limited the options of my family. That is what she is angry and frustrated about. We did not make any headway on this discussion and I don’t know that we would or will.
So I am tired of talking about all this now. I should move along to my story as it has been a long time since I talked about it. I have been specifically avoiding writing about it because this is where I look the worst. This is where I made the biggest mistakes and then committed to more of them. This is where I left reality. Here is the post with what happened leading up to this: You Are You But you will see, I was living in the moment and only for myself without fear of repercussions.
So I got rejected the day before I planned on going and seeing the OW. I was already in trouble but I was quickly approaching the point of no return. I was hurt, lost and rejected. I had someone showering me with praise and telling me how funny and attractive I was. So I decided to go. In the end you might think it was a really gut wrenching decision. That I thought of all the possible problems this would cause. That I looked 30 years into the future and saw how it might affect everyone around me. The honest truth, it wasn’t that hard of a decision.
I was tired of not being wanted. I was tired of being insignificant. I was tired of all of it. Did I believe that my role as a dad would change? Nope! I am a very good dad and I knew that wouldn’t change. I will always be there for my kids regardless of what is going on in our personal lives. Was I hugely concerned with my wife’s feelings? That is a tough one because I knew I wouldn’t get caught. I also really did not think she would care because she has often told me that I should just go fill my needs somewhere else. She would tell me that for years when we would fight about sex, but I didn’t want anyone else. And I really wasn’t going down for the sex. I was going for the attention and how she made me feel about myself.
So the next day I used what ever excuse I set up and off I went. I carved out 4 or 5 hours. When I got down there I met her at her coffee shop. We talked for a bit and then I asked if she would like to go to lunch. We walked next door to a place she liked and had lunch. We talked and talked. There was never the awkward silence, it just felt good. After lunch she asked if I wanted to go back to her place. I paused. This is the only time I thought, “Should I really be doing this?” She walked over kissed me and that pretty much changed my mind. We went to her place and well for the next 3 hours we… Well I am sure you can use your imagination. At the time I can say I was not seriously emotionally connected to her, connected, but not seriously. I can also say it was some of the best sex I have ever had. Why was it the best I ever had? It was because she was expressive enough for me to understand what she liked and did not like, how to move, and I love focusing on the pleasure of my partner. I know I will end up getting mine so I spend a lot of time on my partner. I really enjoy it. (OK – TMI). I felt good about how I made her feel and that I satisfied her. That made me think, “Hey, I might not be bad at this.” She also told me that it was the best she ever had (I really don’t know whether or not to believe it), but I did not care. It was not very hard to agree to come back.
Then I had the drive home. What was I thinking about on the drive? Was I devastated and ashamed about what I was doing? No, I wasn’t. I was reliving it in my head and then as I got close I had to think about what I was going to say and how I was going to make sure I did not get caught. I had a few claw marks that I had to figure out how to explain. I really wasn’t all that concerned. It is not like I had been getting any attention so I really did not think I would even talk about anything. That is pretty much what happened. I got home and other than my kids and their quick hello’s, nothing. Then it was can I do this, and help with this, and blah, blah, blah… I jumped right in to help and thought this may not be as hard as I expected.
The OW and I texted back and forth the rest of the night. My wife went to bed early and I stayed down stairs watching TV and texting. The OW kept going on about how good it was and how she really enjoyed it. Now I can guarantee that my wife has never once told me how much fun anytime we sex was, never! It was a tremendous boost to my ego.
I was riding my bike daily by this point. I would ride for a few hours. I did not care where or really how fast I went. It was for a workout so I didn’t stroll along, but this is when I did a lot of thinking. This is where I would try and figure out how to proceed. Well, most of the time I would think up little things to do to see if my wife was even the slightest bit interested in me.
She left with my daughter for a week and I went down and saw the OW again while they were down there. My wife called me and asked me to bring stuff to her one day and I did. At this point I think we were going on two weeks where we had been in the same bed once. Only spent 18 hours together with 8 of it sleeping. So I kind of thought I would get some type of “hey I am missing you” type of response. Nope. Nothing, I dropped off what she wanted and she said thanks and was off.
Now I was not the only person who was distant during this time. My wife had decided she was going to make some huge life changes because she could not stand who she was. She began a shake, exercise, and cleansing program, (which to her credit is still using and has lost about 60 pounds. She weighs less now than she did in HS). I wanted nothing to do with it as I mentioned before because I was tired of her blaming herself for not following through and finishing it and if I tried to reminder her to do it. Then there was a ton of guilt and it would further her depression. This also created another rift between us. We spent less and less time together and sometimes never saw each other.
Her family planned a huge family outing that everyone was going to. My wife wanted to go and take the kids. I had no problem with this, but she also kept asking me to go. There was no way I was going to get stuck with her family in close quarters with our relationship the way it is. I found a way to “have” to work so I could not get it done.
The week before they left my wife and I were not on speaking terms. My car had just blown up so we were down to one car. I had joined and adult league and had a game one Sunday. Well during the game someone fell on my leg very awkwardly. It hurt tremendously. I had road the 6 miles there on my bike. I sat on the sidelines for the rest of the game and tried to decide what to do next. I had offers to get a ride but I declined them all. And if you cannot tell I am extremely stubborn and pig-headed. I decided to ride home. So I hobbled to my bike and rode it home. I got home and she wanted to take me to the hospital. I would not let her. I said I will just ice it and it will be fine. I went to bed and woke up at 2am because it hurt so bad. I laid there until my wife went to work and then went to the hospital. Surprise, surprise it was broken. Awesome, I now have a broken leg for the summer. What a miserable time. Well I got home and was berated for not telling her, not going earlier, not taking care of myself, not calling her and riding home on it, and I am sure a host of other things. I just took it and the moved on. There was no real reason to fight. She was leaving in a day or two so I just had to make it to then.
This whole time I am constantly communicating with the OW. We text and she constantly sends me pics. I don’t and none of her’s were inappropriate but it was a way to show me she was thinking about me. I loved and craved the attention. I was still going and seeing her once or twice a week. We got into a pretty good schedule of seeing her on a certain day and time every week and other days as bonuses.
Every time I was with the she wanted to talk about my wife. She would point out similarities between the two of them. How she was like that and she was not happy. Her moving on was the best thing for her and the best thing for her husband. Now they can both go and be happy. She would say her depression was caused by the relationship and her wanting to avoid the life I have made for her. All of this made perfect sense. Plus she had lived it, so she must know what she is talking about. I listened to every word and was able to see everything in my situation. I was convinced that I was the reason for my wife’s unhappiness. Now to clarify, she never told me all this she just pointed out how she felt and had similar behaviors that my wife is displaying.
Time flew by. My wife and kids went on their trip. I spent a ton of time with the OW. When my family got back I was constantly unhappy at home because I was a failure there and was unwanted. My wife was still very stand offish and while we parented together we hardly talked. We never really talked about us, it should stayed out of reach like a large elephant hiding in the room. I started talking to her about separating and she flipped out. She told me how she wasn’t unhappy. I asked if she was happy and she said no. She was content. WTF does that mean. She said it isn’t bad. I asked if she wanted to be happy and she said that in the end everyone just moves to being content.
This was the first time we really started to talk. She suggested that we see a counselor. I was not opposed to the idea because I could show her how unhappy she really is and then she would see it would be best to split up. So we began counseling…
Sorry for the long post. Hopefully you are not asleep yet.
I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful one-hundred percent! ― Dr. Seuss