Well just when you think you don’t have to walk on egg shells all the time something comes in and slaps you in the face. Earlier this week I was mentioning how great things have been, how wonderful my wife has been, how well we have been doing at counseling. We were the model couple of recovery (if there is such a thing).
So my wife was planning on leaving early Saturday morning and will be gone until tonight sometime with my oldest son. So on Friday I think we were both a little anxious about being apart. I came home from work early to spend time with her but she had volunteered to watch someone’s kid. So I did a few things around the house and then I had to run an errand for work. It should not have taken long and she said (with a wink) to come back and snuggle her in bed.
My errand ran long and as I was doing it, I was hoping that she is getting a good nap. We had been up until 11 or midnight the last few nights so she deserves a nap. I knew she had to drive early the next morning and a nap would help her. Once I got back I kept the kids quiet and caught up on emails and bills. I just let her sleep and was glad I could give her the chance. Unfortunately this all went to hell. She got up after 2 hours and was angry that I did not come to bed with her. She waited up the entire time waiting for me to come snuggle her. Uggghhh…. I thought I was helping by letting her sleep and instead she was in there stewing because she thought I forgot or did not want to be with her.
I tried to explain what I was thinking and I know she understood, but the reaction was enough. We were both extremely anxious the rest of the night. The panic feelings that were slowly decreasing are back in full force and maybe a little extra. We tried to talk about it. She told me how she was waiting and waiting for me and then felt unimportant. I felt horrible. Maybe worse than that. I told her I knew exactly how she feels. I do because I had it for years and years. I never wanted her to feel that way. We talked about it for a while and while we both understand it does nothing to curb the fear and panic I am experiencing. I am sure it doesn’t really help the hurt I placed on her. Word are just a combination of strange symbols, where as feelings are real.
We spent the rest of the night together watching a movie she wanted to see and then some extra-curricular activities once we hit the bedroom. The problem is that anytime we are together in the bedroom I get sick, really sick. It had been decreasing but now it was almost overwhelming. I pushed through and then got her to sleep before I let it all out. She knows about it and is very sympathetic but still it sucks. We have talked about it in therapy because I blame sex as much as I blame myself for the current situation so it is just another part of the puzzle that unfortunately we don’t have a matching piece. I think that if I had a much lower sex drive we would not be in this place. I know it wasn’t really about the sex, but that also doesn’t mean it wasn’t part of it.
So today, mother’s day. She is far away driving home. I had to work otherwise I would have let her stay home. I have talked to her, but I have not relayed the panic I have. It is tearing me to pieces. And it made my sleep worse, not that it could get any worse. I added up the total hours slept for this week, 20. 20 hours. That may seem okay, but 8 of them were yesterday. After she left in the morning I took a ton of my pills, drank a little and went into a coma. I don’t feel particularly good when I wake up from that but I know I am supposed to be sleeping. Or so all my doctors and counselors tell me.
Yesterday I read a post (https://onwardandupwardmovingon.wordpress.com/2015/05/10/no-contact/) that talks about direct contact and indirect contact. I had not even thought about them in this context but it makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. I am doing well on the direct contact, but indirect…. It is not so good. That is why I know she has a boyfriend, a new tatoo, … I feel so drawn to it but at the same time it just makes me angry at her. I look at it and my blood just boils. I have no idea how I can change feelings so quickly, but then again I don’t hate her. I have a lot of positive feelings toward her, but I am so, so angry.
So what do I do. How do I stop indirect contact? How do I stop all this shit? I cannot listen to music anymore and I love music but every song seems to hit me wrong. How do I remove all the triggers when a lot of them are not tangible. I cannot just stop people from playing music. I cannot stop my daughter wanting to go to certain places that she has no idea is a huge trigger. I cannot throw out all my clothes because, they too, remind me of her. I cannot walk without thinking about my leg and how it was broken for a big part of us being together. What about my stupid computer that has stuff just pop up that I did not even know about? I cannot, I can’t, I just can’t…
I know what people will say because it is just what I would tell someone if they came to me for help. Look at what you can control and work on those things. If you cannot control it then you need to let it go because there is nothing you can do anyways. Can I control a lot of those? Nope, but people may argue that I can control the response. Those people are obviously not from this planet and should be fed to alligators. I can control the response about as much as I can control the wind.
So now what? I am cleaning my house making it extra clean to hopefully she will come home and relax in 3 hours. I am getting everything ready for the week. I am trying, really trying but how do you make it when you take 3 steps forward and 5 backward.
This post makes me look crazy. I know it does and I probably am crazy. I lost it a long time ago and I will never get it back. Maybe I can control the crazy in me, or maybe just point it in the right direction and let it go.
I guess my real worry, deep down, is that if I am having these thoughts, these doubts she must be also and when is it going to be too much for her. When is she going to say “I just can’t take it anymore!”. When is she going to decide that it will be easier to morn the end of a relationship and embrace the possibilities a new life could bring than to struggle everyday with all of this. All of this pain. All of the hurt. All of the disappointment.
Being crazy isn’t enough.
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
When you take those sleeping pills to sleep, do you wake up feeling refreshed? While prescription sleeping pills do make you sleep, the quality of it may not always be good because they may decrease the time you’re in REM sleep. I hope you won’t need them for too long or find some non-drug way to get rest.
In regards to the triggers… have you ever had a trigger before? Something that illicits unwanted feelings? How did you get past them? I would say… and maybe this is bad advice, but just like any emotion, it comes and wanes. Maybe instead of fighting them, let the emotion/thoughts run its course…. give it 30secs to 1 min and let those feelings and thoughts run freely…. then look around and refocus back into your life – almost like snapping back into reality. Refocus by recognizing that a song is a song, a place is a place, and that all those memories are in the past and you’re now living in the present. Focus on the people around you, on the environment, on what you’re doing and don’t stay in the past, trapped in your mind. Maybe letting the thoughts/emotions run its course and then rationalizing them may be a less exhausting and more effective method for you. And by not fighting them, you might subconsciously take away their significance and get over them faster. Just a suggestion.
And in regards to your last post (too lazy to write 2 comments), I think it’s too easy to label people as good or bad. People and morals are too complex to be labelled as good or bad. I think you made a bad decision to have an affair and that is something you must live with. But you’re remorseful and committed to better yourself, your wife, your marriage and you’re family – that’s a commitment that’s good right? We’re all human and we can be selfish, weak, and make terrible hurtful decisions, but i think what’s important is that we continue to strive to do what’s right, even when we fail.. I think that’s what makes a person “good”.
As for forgiveness… what does it mean to be forgiven? Something that I have trouble defining myself. But I think if you forgive yourself, it doesn’t ever make what you’ve done “ok”, erase it from history, nor does it give you an excuse to stop “trying so hard”. I think it means you can accept it as a mistake and also accept what the consequences that follows with peace in your heart. Less of “I hate myself for what I’ve done”, and more of “I’m sorry for doing this and I’m willing to do what it takes, for the rest of my life, to make this right”.
And being forgiven by another person (wife, kids…) doesn’t mean that the event will never be brought up again. I think it means they can say “despite what you’ve done, i am want to move forward with you and leave the affair in the past”. However, it doesn’t mean the repercussions or consequences go away. The hurt and pain, and having to actively forgive is part of the burden they carry from the affair, and your burden is to face your own demons and muster the strength to support your family and active love them in all circumstances. But the important thing is that you’re all willing to carry the burden together, for the sake of your marriage/family. And I think that shows a real strength of love.
Hope my thoughts makes sense…
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I know my pills don’t give me very good sleep and they are addicting so I try not to take them very often. All I have been subscribed is Xanax. It is for sleeping and anxiety during the day. Maybe I need something new.
I have not had too bad an issue with triggers but now everything seems magnified. I just want it all to fade away. I will try and recognize them and then refocus. I really try and block emotions on a regular basis so this will be new to recognize and let it run its course.
Hopefully the rest I will be able figure it out.
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Well benzo’s are good drugs when used properly, and seems like you understand the risks and benefits of Xanax. Have you looked into ways to coping with your stress and emotions – exercise, meditation, yoga.. anything that can help focus your mind and body. Might help with your emotional, physical and sleep health. For sleep aids, you could try something like melatonin – may or may not work, but no physical dependence like any prescription sleep aids.
Blocking emotions – i get it, I do it all the time too. Thinking through the emotion and then blocking them so you’re protecting yourself from being disappointed constantly.This experience must be really tough for you then, when you’re experiencing such emotional extremes and having so little control over them. Stand firm this time and don’t fall back into doubt again. Don’t let these unwanted thoughts and emotions sway you. You’re on the right track. Trust yourself, and when that falls short, then have faith in your wife and your family.
Take care.
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I really like what Anonymous just wrote. It all makes perfect sense.
My therapist told me that when I get a thought about my affair partner, feel triggered in any way, that I should just say “yes, it’s normal to have this happen” and then guide my thoughts to the present, but to not chastise myself for having those thoughts. She said the inner chastising I am doing is actually causing me to focus more on the affair and the past and makes it harder to get through it.
Not sure if her advice will help you but it sure helped me. (I still get triggered, but it’s for shorter durations now)
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Acceptance and Commitment Therapy embraces that concept. You know how hard it is to not think about something you ARE thinking about? You have to learn to stop fighting it and accept it, basically. Far more to it than that. But it is the gist of it. I liked Anonymous’ s description of forgiveness. It is a tricky and exceptionally elusive beast. There are many versions and you to and fro on it. I haven’t ever landed on full forgiveness yet and I no longer expect to, and I have given myself permission to accept that full forgiveness may well never be my lot. Forgiveness of three people. Him, her (some friend!) but mostly myself. I find it hard to forgive my naivety and full trust because that is what you are supposed to do, trust those you love so very deeply.
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I’ve experienced a ton of sleep difficulty myself since the abortion. I think I’ve finally found a combination that helps. My doctor prescribed trazadone and I take that with benadryl. It’ll get me to sleep. I e been up since 4 something, so it’s not perfect but it’s the best I’ve found so far.
As far as feeling crazy…. I did do what I could to remove the triggers from my life. It helps that I’ve lost 23 pounds and 3 sizes since January. I was forced to replace my wardrobe. With places that are triggers, each time I go the trigger is less and less.
My therapist would tell you to challenge yourself. When you are having thoughts, picture a stop sign in your head. Tell yourself out loud to stop. When I started doing that I was saying stop every minute it felt like.
Take it one day at a time. Tell yourself I’m not looking her up today. Deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
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I could see my husband and I in this exact situation. From your wife’s perspective, she told you to come in and snuggle. Its what she wanted. I know you thought you were doing the nice thing. But she spelled it out for you. Just go in and snuggle. Because now she does feel rejected and that you didn’t want her. In her mind, if you did want her – you would have come in and snuggled like she asked. Miscommunication. It happens, ALOT. I’m glad you were both able to talk about it. You are on shaky ground and will be for awhile to come. Just keep talking – and listening. Listen to understand. Don’t make your own assumptions. Worst case scenario in this is if you went in there and she was asleep you could still have snuggled with her. She would have woken up in your arms. And I bet that would have felt amazing to her. She would have felt loved and wanted. I know your intentions were good and I’m not being a jerk. I guess just trying to give some constructive feedback.
I agree with all above comments. We feel like we should fight the triggers, which really only makes them more powerful. For me, I take a minute, feel what I need to feel. I absorb it. Then find a way to let it go. I’ve tried to imagine the stop sign, I’ve placed a rubber band around my wrist and snapped it (not enough to hurt), I’ve distracted myself. There are alot of tips online and from your therapist than you can try until you find something that works for you. I think the biggest key is to not just run from it. Don’t just sweep it under the rug. You have to truly deal with it before you can heal and move on.
Why do you need to know what your former AP is up to? I’m not chastising you. Just wondering what the underlying cause is. Are you still feeling the same unmet needs? Do you need to believe that you meant more to her than you actually did (or your perception of not meaning anything to her)?
I’m sure every single BS has obsessed and looked up the AP. I know I did. I still do on occasion. Yeah, there’s a little comfort in knowing that she’s hurting and knows she fucked up her life. But its really only hurting me. One thing my therapist helped me see is that I’m staying stuck by doing that -and that is my choice. Nobody is forcing me to look her up. And, most importantly, I’m better than that. I’m better than her. So now, when I feel the urge to check up on her – I remind myself that I deserve better. She isn’t worth my time. My time is better spent doing something constructive for myself. I put the emphasis back on me. I do something good for myself. Or I look up tips on boosting self esteem or some other self help topic. Or I look up new classes I can take or try and find a new experience to try. Your wife deserves better. And you do too. So instead of looking up your AP, focus your attention on your wife, yourself, your marriage. Invest your time and energy there. Do something nice for your wife. Run her a bubble bath. Hell, get in the bath with her if you want. Do something together. Find a new hobby to try. Or get back to basics. What are things you did at the beginning of your relationship that got lost along the way?
Its ok to feel the negative emotions you do. Just don’t live there.
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My husband does this ALL the time…I’ll ask him to come to bed and snuggle with me. Even if he comes to bed and I am actually asleep, I will always wake with a start and panic if he’s not there beside me. Meanwhile, he’s downstairs “letting me sleep” while paying bills online, while I’m upstairs wondering what was more important than coming to bed with me, like I asked. It makes for a shit night, and a shitty start to the next day. Does my head in. I fucking HATE it. It’s like he’s deliberately ignoring my request, and I’m lying alone wondering what he’s “really”doing. I wish I could convey the damage this does. I beg of you, LEARN from this. Your wife just wants to be close to you. Take this as an opportunity to be with her, to forge closeness. Don’t avoid her, regardless of how you justify out to yourself. She is asking TO BE WITH YOU. SWxo
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I was thinking about this today a little bit. I think you are angry with the OW because you perceive her as being happy while you are very unhappy.
Just remember that facebook isn’t a real look at a person’s life. I posted a profile picture the other day because I wanted B to see it. Yah yah not healthy I know. Anyway I posted this picture because when my friend took it she caught me laughing. In the picture I look extremely happy. I wanted B to see that and think that I am. Think about what is viewable on your Facebook page. Is that a true snapshot of your life and feelings? Or is it what you want the world to see?
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That is a good thought. We used to joke about it a lot. People have their lives and then their Facebook lives and rarely do they match up.
My Facebook doesn’t have anything on it. I haven’t updated it since I made it. I can’t stand it. Plus I am so private I don’t want anyone knowing about me. That is why my therapist finds it hilarious that I chose this medium as a way to get things out.
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“Those people are obviously not from this planet and should be fed to alligators. I can control the response about as much as I can control the wind.” LOL!
You’re right. You cannot react in a different way now than you can. If someone tells you you can, they are obviously not correct. But I think they mean you can learn to. And that is correct, though for you that might seem impossible right now. It is a skill you can learn, like playing an instrument. Just like if you’d hold a guitar for the first time and try to bend you’re fingers to strike a chord: it feels like an impossible thing for any human to play a Jimi Hendrix-solo. Yet after enough practice it’s even easy.
You can learn to experience feelings and triggers of any kind in a completely different way, and then naturally react differently. You only need to want it badly enough and know that its doable. At one point you’ll get so tired being swept all over the place by your triggers that you will want to learn. Until then, you are absolutely right.
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