Well just when you think you don’t have to walk on egg shells all the time something comes in and slaps you in the face. Earlier this week I was mentioning how great things have been, how wonderful my wife has been, how well we have been doing at counseling. We were the model couple of recovery (if there is such a thing).
So my wife was planning on leaving early Saturday morning and will be gone until tonight sometime with my oldest son. So on Friday I think we were both a little anxious about being apart. I came home from work early to spend time with her but she had volunteered to watch someone’s kid. So I did a few things around the house and then I had to run an errand for work. It should not have taken long and she said (with a wink) to come back and snuggle her in bed.
My errand ran long and as I was doing it, I was hoping that she is getting a good nap. We had been up until 11 or midnight the last few nights so she deserves a nap. I knew she had to drive early the next morning and a nap would help her. Once I got back I kept the kids quiet and caught up on emails and bills. I just let her sleep and was glad I could give her the chance. Unfortunately this all went to hell. She got up after 2 hours and was angry that I did not come to bed with her. She waited up the entire time waiting for me to come snuggle her. Uggghhh…. I thought I was helping by letting her sleep and instead she was in there stewing because she thought I forgot or did not want to be with her.
I tried to explain what I was thinking and I know she understood, but the reaction was enough. We were both extremely anxious the rest of the night. The panic feelings that were slowly decreasing are back in full force and maybe a little extra. We tried to talk about it. She told me how she was waiting and waiting for me and then felt unimportant. I felt horrible. Maybe worse than that. I told her I knew exactly how she feels. I do because I had it for years and years. I never wanted her to feel that way. We talked about it for a while and while we both understand it does nothing to curb the fear and panic I am experiencing. I am sure it doesn’t really help the hurt I placed on her. Word are just a combination of strange symbols, where as feelings are real.
We spent the rest of the night together watching a movie she wanted to see and then some extra-curricular activities once we hit the bedroom. The problem is that anytime we are together in the bedroom I get sick, really sick. It had been decreasing but now it was almost overwhelming. I pushed through and then got her to sleep before I let it all out. She knows about it and is very sympathetic but still it sucks. We have talked about it in therapy because I blame sex as much as I blame myself for the current situation so it is just another part of the puzzle that unfortunately we don’t have a matching piece. I think that if I had a much lower sex drive we would not be in this place. I know it wasn’t really about the sex, but that also doesn’t mean it wasn’t part of it.
So today, mother’s day. She is far away driving home. I had to work otherwise I would have let her stay home. I have talked to her, but I have not relayed the panic I have. It is tearing me to pieces. And it made my sleep worse, not that it could get any worse. I added up the total hours slept for this week, 20. 20 hours. That may seem okay, but 8 of them were yesterday. After she left in the morning I took a ton of my pills, drank a little and went into a coma. I don’t feel particularly good when I wake up from that but I know I am supposed to be sleeping. Or so all my doctors and counselors tell me.
Yesterday I read a post (https://onwardandupwardmovingon.wordpress.com/2015/05/10/no-contact/) that talks about direct contact and indirect contact. I had not even thought about them in this context but it makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. I am doing well on the direct contact, but indirect…. It is not so good. That is why I know she has a boyfriend, a new tatoo, … I feel so drawn to it but at the same time it just makes me angry at her. I look at it and my blood just boils. I have no idea how I can change feelings so quickly, but then again I don’t hate her. I have a lot of positive feelings toward her, but I am so, so angry.
So what do I do. How do I stop indirect contact? How do I stop all this shit? I cannot listen to music anymore and I love music but every song seems to hit me wrong. How do I remove all the triggers when a lot of them are not tangible. I cannot just stop people from playing music. I cannot stop my daughter wanting to go to certain places that she has no idea is a huge trigger. I cannot throw out all my clothes because, they too, remind me of her. I cannot walk without thinking about my leg and how it was broken for a big part of us being together. What about my stupid computer that has stuff just pop up that I did not even know about? I cannot, I can’t, I just can’t…
I know what people will say because it is just what I would tell someone if they came to me for help. Look at what you can control and work on those things. If you cannot control it then you need to let it go because there is nothing you can do anyways. Can I control a lot of those? Nope, but people may argue that I can control the response. Those people are obviously not from this planet and should be fed to alligators. I can control the response about as much as I can control the wind.
So now what? I am cleaning my house making it extra clean to hopefully she will come home and relax in 3 hours. I am getting everything ready for the week. I am trying, really trying but how do you make it when you take 3 steps forward and 5 backward.
This post makes me look crazy. I know it does and I probably am crazy. I lost it a long time ago and I will never get it back. Maybe I can control the crazy in me, or maybe just point it in the right direction and let it go.
I guess my real worry, deep down, is that if I am having these thoughts, these doubts she must be also and when is it going to be too much for her. When is she going to say “I just can’t take it anymore!”. When is she going to decide that it will be easier to morn the end of a relationship and embrace the possibilities a new life could bring than to struggle everyday with all of this. All of this pain. All of the hurt. All of the disappointment.
Being crazy isn’t enough.