All Alone! Whether You Like It Or Not, Alone Is Something You’ll Be Quite A Lot……And Sometimes That Is For The Best

alone1

So I am not sure where to go with this post.  I have so much going on that I don’t even know which I want to get out first.  I ruined yesterday and now I am back on shaky ground.  I shouldn’t be surprised at how fast you can fall back down the hole you are crawling out of.  It is all too much, it has been too good to be true.  Let’s not do this one today.  Instead I will let you in my head just a tiny bit.  Be careful what you may run into while you are in there.

So I got a letter in the mail today.  As soon as I saw it I knew I should not open it.  I should preface this, this will have nothing to do with my affair.  You will see soon enough.  So I get the letter out of the mail box and I can’t decide if I should open it or just throw it away.

The return address was from my parents.  For those of you who follow my posts you should have an idea that I have absolutely no contact with my family.  I can from a very religious background with a big family.  Really big!  I do not talk, email, text or see any of them and I am perfectly fine with that.  However, for some reason my parents love to annoy me.  For example, they know where I live because my wife’s parents and mine live in the same town.  They run into each other every now and again and my parents quiz them on us when they see them.  Or my parents will call them and ask for our numbers or address.  I will not put her parents in the middle so they pass on the information.

What do they use it for?  Well, each year they send two of my three kids a birthday card with two – one dollar bills in it.  It is different each year, but they never send it to all three.  It is like they are just causing strife on purpose.  For my older two they understand and it is like a little joke to try to guess who is being left out each year.  But really, who does that.  I have thought about just getting the cards and tossing them before my kids see them.  It just makes me angry that one of my kids feels unwanted each year.  Maybe my parents want to remind my kids what it was like for me growing up.

I just wish they would leave us alone.  Yes, my kids feel a little left out only having one set of grand parents, but they also know it is for the best.  At least my oldest two do.  How you might ask?  Well, when they were very young my wife, bless her heart in all her good intentions, thought it was important to visit them at least on Christmas.  We always stayed at her parents over Christmas and I really pushed to not go over.  Well after the second Christmas of doing this, my kids once they got in the car.   Looked at my wife and said can we never go back there ever again.  They were 3 and 4.  That was the point when my wife finally agreed to keep them from our life.  I am surprised it took so long because of the things they did and said to her while we were engaged that she would even want to have anything to do with these people.

So I got this letter.  Open?  Trash?  Open?  Trash?  Ughhhh….

It is clear that the sperm donor to my genetic make up wrote the address on the envelope.  That in itself should have been enough for me to throw it away.  Burn it.  Shred and burn it.  Shred, burn and bury the ashes.  No, instead I stared at it.  My wife left this morning for a trip with my son.  I am here with my other two kids, not having the best of days and then this stupid, stupid letter.

Fine, I will open it.  What is the worst that can happen?  All but one of my grandparents are dead and the one that is left made it clear from the time I was young that I was not really wanted around her house so not too worried about any news that way.

So I rip open the envelope.  Inside is a small sheet of paper, yellow and the third of the size of a normal piece of paper.  It is folded in thirds to fit on the envelope.  I don’t unfold the paper.  Do I really want to read this?

Last time they sent letters it was to put us on a guilt trip.  They would send us a letter telling us what each of my siblings are doing and at the end they would put my wife’s and my name – unknown.  Really?  You are writing to me and then you put that.  I have always wanted to write and tell them that I have a terminal disease and I am moving to Korea to get some experimental treatment but I don’t expect to live the next two weeks.  Then I would never have to hear from them again.

Well I unfolded the letter.  It was my mom’s handwriting.  She wrote:

Dear XXXXX,

You are such a good man.

Love

Mom

That’s it.  Nothing else.  Now had my mother’s hand writing been on the envelope, I might have thought she actually cared, but because it was a joint endeavor I now have to figure out what the hell they are up to.  Actually I am going to spend very little time on it because other than annoying, it is not worth my time.

Really the reason I even mention this to you all is to let you know that I have a very hard time letting things go.  Very hard.  I can forgive honest mistakes, but calculated and repeated injustices get nothing from me.  I just move them out of my life and it is a one way door.  So a lot of you have told me that I am often too hard on myself and I just need to forgive myself.  How do I do that when what I did was wrong and I knew it was wrong?  How do I do that when it was repeated with the same knowledge?  How do I let myself off the hook when I willingly hurt my family?  Am I no better than them?  I know I am, I am not even in the same league as them, but I still feel that I cannot let myself off the hook.

If I forgive myself would I then have to reevaluate all the other people who I have not forgiven in my life.  People I have cut out for what I would consider good and healthy reasons.  Do I have to forgive those people?

I am not even sure what forgiveness is?  Excusing someone’s poor behavior, decisions, actions, or words?  And it there is not an excuse?  What if they willingly did it with every intention of hurting someone?  Do they deserve forgiveness?

This stupid letter has me angry.  I should have never opened it up.  It makes me wonder what the hell they are doing.  Why does she think I am a good man?  She doesn’t even know me.  WTF.  Am I a good man because I had an affair?  Doubt that!  Am I a good man because I am kind and helpful?  She would never know.  She hasn’t seen me for more than 30 min at any one time in 23 years and none in the last 10.

Alone sounds so good sometimes….

All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you’ll be quite a lot Dr. Seuss

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
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25 Responses to All Alone! Whether You Like It Or Not, Alone Is Something You’ll Be Quite A Lot……And Sometimes That Is For The Best

  1. I would have opened it too.

    Without knowing the particulars of the family dynamics, it’s hard to speak too much about it.

    Maybe burn the letter? It felt good a few weeks ago when I burned the letter B sent me 5 days after the breakup. Like somehow I was releasing the bad energy trapped in the paper.

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  2. KcRambles says:

    I’m sorry about your sucky parents. I don’t think it’s fair you compare yourself to them, even though you did a terrible thing I honestly believe it was not intentional to hurt your wife or your family. And no forgiving yourself is not letting yourself off the hook but it is giving you permission to accept you’re human and you made a huge mistake but now you are correcting it. You are trying to be a better person for your wife and your family your marriage and your self.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. bigeyes82 says:

    A fellow blogger once said to me, just take each second, minute, hour and day at a time – it can be applied to any difficult situation. Take a deep breathe and talk about it with your wife when she’s back home, and in the meantime don’t worry about being apart from your wife 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Bugsmetwo says:

    Oh that more just screams passive aggressive to me from what you described but without knowing or interacting with your parents personally, I can only guess. Definitely show your wife. Perhaps she can help you decipher the meaning or to just forget it and let it go.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love my Mother and I have been her carer for the last 11 years. I have to admit though that she has hurt me on so many occasions. She can be very difficult. She is a prolific diarist and has written in her journal every day for over 50 years. Having seen a sample of the things she writes I realised that she intends to use them as a stick to beat me with. When I was told her prognosis I made the conscious decision that after her death I will never read her diaries. I refuse to be guilt tripped from beyond the grave. If I was in your situation I might consider not opening the letters and mark them ‘return to sender’. What the eyes don’t see, the heart can’t grieve over. I am sure you will do what’s right.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I agree, the thing where they send one kid something and nothing to the other does seen twisted. I am interested in knowing more of this dynamic between you and your family and why you despise them so much. Are you the only sibling that has cut them from your life? I’m sorry this is a painful time for you. Take one hour at a time, if that’s all you can manage. You cannot rush healing. SWxo

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    • bac4sccr says:

      I will email you. I don’t mind sharing my family dynamics but it is something that people who know me may be able to identify me and I would rather not have that.

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      • rac says:

        I’d love to hear the dynamics too.

        I had “issues” with my mother growing up, and my brother and I rarely see each other.. Although we do communicate thru Facebook.. So it’s a pretty shallow relationship, but..

        My mom left us when I was 14. He remained close to her. She took every opportunity she could to make it look like I was the bad guy.. She died in 2008. Only 59. So to this day, I still hear how awful I was for not including her in my life.

        On Mother’s Day my dad stopped over. He and I are close, but have vastly differing opinions on a lot of things. So there are definite boundaries. Anyways.. We were talking about his friend Bobby, my mothers youngest brother by 12 years.

        He told me that bobby stopped speaking to him years ago. That he believes it’s because bobby was upset my dad never talked me in to going to see my mother before she died.

        He misses Bobby, I’m pretty sure he blames me for bobby checking out of his life. He did talk to me about going to see her. He knew how I felt. He never pushed.

        So it never goes away… Fuck’em.

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    • bac4sccr says:

      Let me know if you got my email.

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  7. Quizzical says:

    Nothing more painful yet empowering to be in your own company.

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  8. Quizzical says:

    I would have had my spouse read it. My guess is that something eye opening has occurred in their world that has made her re-evaluate reality.

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    • bac4sccr says:

      I have a hard time believing that. If she had written the address on the envelope, then maybe a small possibility, but she didn’t.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Quizzical says:

        hmm .. The older generation are usually ‘seen but not heard’. Raising many a child – as you mentioned – would make it tougher to relate to her children/find the time to – religion was a strong influence back in the day. Perhaps she was unhappy in her lifetime and needed to vent onto her own children because everyone older may hold more power over her and a child would not. Post Natal & other mental imbalances would be highly likely as we are only new to understanding the detriment it has on our health. Many have mentally meddling issues only to get misdiagnosed as depression when it could be something completely different. Some parents don’t know how to reach out or are too proud to tell their children what is going on in their world as children. Its only a recent occurrence that we are able to discuss our emotional state in a safe environment without being labelled ‘lunatic’ and sent away for experimental reasons. Keeping your mouth shut would have been an easier way to get through day to day. Of course no one can possibly live a full life keeping everything under raps, spite and envy would spit onto others as they struggle with their ‘sanity’ on their own… I’m rambling now .. Many a hurt feeling from your childhood would indeed make you suspicious and want to pull away.

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        • bac4sccr says:

          I think she is and was in a bad place. She slept for long periods of time. All avoidance. I remember one Easter when my younger 3 siblings still believed in the Easter Bunny and my mom would not get out of bed to fill their Easter Baskets. I tried for hours to get her up or to tell me what to do. She would not talk to me. Eventually I found some old mints and candy from my sisters wedding in the freezer so I put the 3 baskets together for them. I know she was probably depressed and we had no money but still there was a lot that could have been done. We got free eggs from my grandparents. We could have just dyed eggs and put those in the baskets. Now I am rambling…

          Liked by 1 person

  9. Quizzical says:

    Perhaps they didn’t get the opportunity, like you had to have an angel (your wife) to take them away from all the havoc. They perhaps had weak role models and lost their way. We all walk our own path. Its important that you stayed strong through the carnage.

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    • bac4sccr says:

      I do agree with that, they also had a slightly different set of parents. After 20 years of parenting you change but still somethings never change.

      They saw the carnage but did not have to personally experience it at an age when it would do the most damage. So they don’t have the same experiences I have. I have no problem with their choices as long as they respect mine and stay out of my life.

      Liked by 1 person

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