So I am not sure where to go with this post. I have so much going on that I don’t even know which I want to get out first. I ruined yesterday and now I am back on shaky ground. I shouldn’t be surprised at how fast you can fall back down the hole you are crawling out of. It is all too much, it has been too good to be true. Let’s not do this one today. Instead I will let you in my head just a tiny bit. Be careful what you may run into while you are in there.
So I got a letter in the mail today. As soon as I saw it I knew I should not open it. I should preface this, this will have nothing to do with my affair. You will see soon enough. So I get the letter out of the mail box and I can’t decide if I should open it or just throw it away.
The return address was from my parents. For those of you who follow my posts you should have an idea that I have absolutely no contact with my family. I can from a very religious background with a big family. Really big! I do not talk, email, text or see any of them and I am perfectly fine with that. However, for some reason my parents love to annoy me. For example, they know where I live because my wife’s parents and mine live in the same town. They run into each other every now and again and my parents quiz them on us when they see them. Or my parents will call them and ask for our numbers or address. I will not put her parents in the middle so they pass on the information.
What do they use it for? Well, each year they send two of my three kids a birthday card with two – one dollar bills in it. It is different each year, but they never send it to all three. It is like they are just causing strife on purpose. For my older two they understand and it is like a little joke to try to guess who is being left out each year. But really, who does that. I have thought about just getting the cards and tossing them before my kids see them. It just makes me angry that one of my kids feels unwanted each year. Maybe my parents want to remind my kids what it was like for me growing up.
I just wish they would leave us alone. Yes, my kids feel a little left out only having one set of grand parents, but they also know it is for the best. At least my oldest two do. How you might ask? Well, when they were very young my wife, bless her heart in all her good intentions, thought it was important to visit them at least on Christmas. We always stayed at her parents over Christmas and I really pushed to not go over. Well after the second Christmas of doing this, my kids once they got in the car. Looked at my wife and said can we never go back there ever again. They were 3 and 4. That was the point when my wife finally agreed to keep them from our life. I am surprised it took so long because of the things they did and said to her while we were engaged that she would even want to have anything to do with these people.
So I got this letter. Open? Trash? Open? Trash? Ughhhh….
It is clear that the sperm donor to my genetic make up wrote the address on the envelope. That in itself should have been enough for me to throw it away. Burn it. Shred and burn it. Shred, burn and bury the ashes. No, instead I stared at it. My wife left this morning for a trip with my son. I am here with my other two kids, not having the best of days and then this stupid, stupid letter.
Fine, I will open it. What is the worst that can happen? All but one of my grandparents are dead and the one that is left made it clear from the time I was young that I was not really wanted around her house so not too worried about any news that way.
So I rip open the envelope. Inside is a small sheet of paper, yellow and the third of the size of a normal piece of paper. It is folded in thirds to fit on the envelope. I don’t unfold the paper. Do I really want to read this?
Last time they sent letters it was to put us on a guilt trip. They would send us a letter telling us what each of my siblings are doing and at the end they would put my wife’s and my name – unknown. Really? You are writing to me and then you put that. I have always wanted to write and tell them that I have a terminal disease and I am moving to Korea to get some experimental treatment but I don’t expect to live the next two weeks. Then I would never have to hear from them again.
Well I unfolded the letter. It was my mom’s handwriting. She wrote:
You are such a good man.
That’s it. Nothing else. Now had my mother’s hand writing been on the envelope, I might have thought she actually cared, but because it was a joint endeavor I now have to figure out what the hell they are up to. Actually I am going to spend very little time on it because other than annoying, it is not worth my time.
Really the reason I even mention this to you all is to let you know that I have a very hard time letting things go. Very hard. I can forgive honest mistakes, but calculated and repeated injustices get nothing from me. I just move them out of my life and it is a one way door. So a lot of you have told me that I am often too hard on myself and I just need to forgive myself. How do I do that when what I did was wrong and I knew it was wrong? How do I do that when it was repeated with the same knowledge? How do I let myself off the hook when I willingly hurt my family? Am I no better than them? I know I am, I am not even in the same league as them, but I still feel that I cannot let myself off the hook.
If I forgive myself would I then have to reevaluate all the other people who I have not forgiven in my life. People I have cut out for what I would consider good and healthy reasons. Do I have to forgive those people?
I am not even sure what forgiveness is? Excusing someone’s poor behavior, decisions, actions, or words? And it there is not an excuse? What if they willingly did it with every intention of hurting someone? Do they deserve forgiveness?
This stupid letter has me angry. I should have never opened it up. It makes me wonder what the hell they are doing. Why does she think I am a good man? She doesn’t even know me. WTF. Am I a good man because I had an affair? Doubt that! Am I a good man because I am kind and helpful? She would never know. She hasn’t seen me for more than 30 min at any one time in 23 years and none in the last 10.
Alone sounds so good sometimes….
All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you’ll be quite a lot