Well it is counseling day, couples with my wife. I am still not sure what to think of it. I am fine going I just never know what to expect. I am just trying to be open to whatever and do my best. I just have to hope it is good enough.
Yesterday was a good day. One of the best we have had in a long time. Work went well, family was great, weather was amazing and my wife and I had a really good day. We talked about it last night about all the different parts of the day and how good they were.
I have not mentioned her much on here other than really saying the she must really love me to go through all that I put her through and then want to stay. However, she is so much more than that. She is the best human being I know. We are both the first to jump and help other people and we get taken advantage of sometimes. But we would still do it because we both figure if someone is brave enough to ask for help then they must really need it. She was mowing the lawn and the neighbors mower broke, so what does she do, mow the neighbors yard without asking. This winter we had a ton of snow and there is a widower who lives down the road from us. She thinks he is the cutest old man. He exercises daily and is very friendly. Well, we got about 2 feet of snow in 24 hours so after shoveling us out, our neighbors she wanted to walk down and shovel him out but she wanted to wait until 11:00pm so he did not know we did it. So we waited up and took our kids and went and spent 2 hours shoveling. This is who she is. I could give you example after example of things like this.
I don’t talk much about my past but I will say that I moved out of my house at a really young age. Then I couch surfed for a couple of years while I finished school. I met her not long after I moved out and she never judged me. I did not let her into all that was going on in my life but she just liked me for who I was, not my family, not where I grew up, not what car did I drive, she liked me for me. For Christmas that first year she convinced her family to let me stay over and have Christmas with them. There are so many things I can say about how good of a person she is. It is one of the reasons it hurt so bad when I saw her fall into her depression and I tried and tried to help. Then I internalized it and believed that she just didn’t want me. I really wish I could have figured out how to help her so much earlier, she deserved better.
Now we all have our faults and the two of us have very similar ones. We won’t ask for help. We won’t. We would just work longer and harder to get it done. We both have a hard time even asking from help from each other. Well, we used to. Now we both seem to be okay asking each other to help, a lot of times without even needing it. Instead we just want to be near each other. We still won’t ask anyone for help which is difficult when you move to new places but we get by. When we moved here the two of us unloaded all our stuff from the truck by ourselves. Refrigerator, check. Sofa, check. 1000 boxes, check. I think we like the independence of not needing anyone else but each other.
My actions obviously put a huge dent in this. We have had to ask for help. We needed professionals so we could need each other again. Neither of us really like it but we understand that every once in a while you need help. Everyone will, that is why we are always first to help. I think we are just building up credit for when we need to cash out. We took out a huge deposit already but things are getting better. She is getting better, we are getting better.
I am straying from my usual posts full of doom and gloom, but I really wanted to give her some credit for how good of a person she really is. She will probably never read this, but that is okay because I will tell her. I will remind her how much she means to me. How much I do love her. It is interesting because we are both trying so hard for each other. It feels at times like when we were first married before life got in the way. We are making time for each other even if that means we have to move something else or maybe the dishes don’t get put in the dishwasher until morning. The point is I feel so lucky to be with her. Now I just have to keep from screwing it up again. The good news is I usually am not too think headed to make the same mistake over and over once I recognize the problem. As long as I can keep the voices in my head subdued and remind myself who she is and who I am then I will always feel lucky to be with her.
Well, off I got to pick her up and take her with me to counseling. I can’t wait to see her…
If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn’t show up.