So I have not posted for a few days. As a fellow blogger put I am in Suckville. I have been for a while. I thought I was getting out only to be turned back at the border. Stupid immigration laws.
I think I want to go back to my post from last time. I tried to explain the beginning of “Why?” Why did I cheat? Well, I think my answer honestly sucked. I believe all that I wrote but I really do not think that is the answer. It has not left my mind since I wrote it.
I explained my relational issues. I said they were underlining causes to my infidelity. At least for today, I think that is all a load of crap. Why? Why do I think that is a load of crap? Well, everyone has relationship issues. And every relationship has two people. If there are issues then why aren’t both parties running out and having affairs. No, there has to be more to it. My wife knew we had issues as much as I did, but she did not go out and find a new guy. No, she handled it a different way. So I really cannot think that my relationship issues are really part of the why.
My wife asked questions a few weeks ago after she met with our therapist for the first time. I am still not any closer to the answer than I was when she asked them.
Why where not certain events (her taking her ring off, our fights about it, and a few other things) not important/impactful enough to me to end the relationship?
Why when I would go there to end the relationship would I get sucked back in and stay? What did she do to make me want to stay?
Here are some real why questions. I could add another. Why did I not turn around the first time I drove down there and not do it? Why? I had to choose to drive down there. I had to lie and make up a story about where I was going. I had to come up with more lies when I got home. I had to hide myself.
So Why? WHY? WHY?
I think it is simple really. I am a weak stupid fool. Okay. Okay. That is also the easy way out. Everyone knows that you have to be weak to get into an affair. That is why it is so hard to get out, because you have to be strong to get out but you go in weak.
Well, here is what I have been thinking. Oh and if this makes no sense I apologize. I am going on day 3 of no sleep. Not sure when that will end but hopefully before the weekend when I have to drive.
Why – well lets look at how it occurred.
1. I was lonely. This is a very small part because I am used to being alone even though I am surrounded by lots and lots of people.
2. I needed attention. This is also a very small part as there are many ways to get attention that are not destructive.
3. I felt responsible for our failing relationship. I think this is a factor. I blame myself for our failing marriage. It does take two to tango, but someone has to lead. I don’t think it was fair to change from being the leader for most all of our relationship to follower without telling her. Instead I just let go of the reigns and let it run wild.
4. I wanted reassurance that I was of some value. I think that because I was failing at my marriage I needed to know that I still had something to offer. I wanted to prove that I was not a failure.
5. I honestly believed that my wife did not want me anymore. This sounds like a cop-out but I know, at least for my circumstance, that I really believed she was staying because she had to, not because she wanted to. A religious upbringing filled with guilt can make it difficult to get out when you really need to get out. It also makes it hard to find support for your actions when you do get out.
6. I was curious. I am trying to be honest and unfortunately this is not one of those reasons that people can relate to very well. I mentioned that my wife was the only relationship I had ever had and if you think anyone in my position has not wondered what else there is then you are mistaken. I am not saying that anyone would act on those thoughts, just that they happen.
7. Risk vs Reward. I did not think my wife wanted me. She did not really care what I did when I was not home so the perceived risk was relatively low. The perceived reward seemed high at the time. Please note that I did say perceived in both those instances and the perceptions of those change from moment to moment. I know it changed considerably as things went along. At first, the risk; I lose a wife who does not want me. She already has asked to leave and has said she would leave the kids with me. It is all about perception. The perception changed to maybe my wife does want me, but also what I am teaching my kids. And it changed again to WTF was I thinking. My wife was hurting and I abandoned her. She was all I had and I was all she ever had and I left her. What was I thinking, oh please let it not be too late for us. As the risk changed so did the reward inversely.
8. I was slightly deceived. I am only going to give this a slight part in it because I do think I am smart enough to know when I am being taken advantage of, however, as I mentioned this was not her first rodeo and she knew exactly what she wanted and what she was getting into. For me it started out as an attention getter followed by an emotional connection. I am not sure she ever had the same connection even though she would claim otherwise. This is more apparent now than ever. I mentioned that I found out the OW was in a new relationship and it bothered me. Well, what I never mentioned was that I knew underneath why it bothered me but I did not want to look. But just like a wreck, I could not look away. I did the math and yip, she started dating him while we were technically still together. How is that for poetic justice?
9. I was depressed but would not admit it or seek help. I would not even consider it until my wife explained what she saw from her perspective. I have always been very active. Two years ago I got hurt and could not be active for 6 months. By then I was back into bad weather and my activity level was never able to get better. I had an extreme amount of job pressure during this same period. Fast forward one year (so last year), and I again got hurt. Same activity different injury. This time I was out 8 months. Add in more job stress than I had the previous year and two years of non-activity pretty much did me in. I can see what she saw now and I did not take it well. I regressed inside of myself the first year and much more the second year and this was before the affair. I was on my own island and did not want anyone I knew around me.
10. It was the perfect storm. All the elements that needed to be there were and I missed all the signs. I never thought myself capable until I could not think of nothing else. I really would like to say it was temporary insanity, but I still chose the path I took even if I read all the signs wrong or ignored them all together.
So let me answer her questions…
Why where not certain events (her taking her ring off, our fights about it, and a few other things) not important/impactful enough to me to end the relationship?
At the beginning it was just validating what I thought myself. She really does not want me or this relationship. What I did not realize was that she was trying to wake me up and make me see what I was giving up. Instead, I only saw that she wanted to give up. I saw what I wanted to see and what I was led to believe was happening.
What event finally shook me to my core? My wife explained to me how my daughter would be forever changed because of my selfishness. I was hurting her ability to have healthy relationships in the future. The ironic part of this was it was the same argument the OW gave me to lure me away. “What am I teaching my kids if we stay in a loveless unhappy relationship? I am teaching them that their happiness is not of any value.” When in reality I was showing them that giving up was okay and not honoring your commitments. I was teaching my daughter that betrayal and deceit are a part of life and she should just get used to it. Instead of me showing her the work that needs to go into yourself and your relationship so you can be in a healthy relationship and the strength to leave if it is not healthy.
Why when I would go there to end the relationship would I get sucked back in and stay? What did she do to make me want to stay?
This one is much more difficult. I started trying to end my affair in November I think. I don’t want to go back and figure it out so it is about right. I know it was before the holidays. The first set of me trying to end it only seemed to strengthen her hold on me. I ended up communicating more with her more and more. I felt like I needed to do it face to face, but she seemed to use my arguments against me and I would get sucked back in. I felt for some reason I needed a reason to end it more that I think this was a big mistake. As stupid as it sounds I still did not want to hurt her and I thought if I could get her to understand my position she would see the need to end it. This was after DDay 1 and led to a culminating event that ended it. I continued to communicate but I never saw her and then DDay 2 came and I stopped communicating all together.
All this has made me feel worse than I ever believed imaginable. I feel like I permanently maimed my wife. While it is not a physical maiming, where I am reminded of my actions every time I look at her. Instead it is much worse. I am reminded of it every time I see a healthy relationship. Every time I see her down, or just being different. Every time I hear someone tell me what a beautiful relationship I have with my wife and how wonderful she is. I feel the lies and the hurt all over again.
This is my pain to bare and I will do it. I will do it because I want us. I want her. I am hoping to move forward and help her along. I will carry her whenever she can’t carry herself or the burdens I have placed on her. If I could I would bring back the innocence of our youthful relationship. I would make it into the relationship it should have been, I should have kept.
Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to look back at this and say we made it. We are out of Suckville and we have moved to HappyHaven and got a small quaint cottage. Who knows? It can’t hurt to have something to work towards, right? Even if it may never be attainable.
Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them – Dr. Seuss
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
Thank you for your detailed and introspective post. My ex betrayed and disappeared, so I was left to try to find answers on my own. Your reasons help me find more understanding. Good luck with the sleep!
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Post only when you need to. We’ll wait. 🙂
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I think almost all of us have no idea how to open ourselves up. No one wants to feel like a fool. Also, I think men, for the most part, are task driven and don’t allow themselves the luxury of finding the loneliness, talking about it and making themselves vulnerable. There are studies that say women have each other to confide in but a man only has his wife. If she did not know the depth of your loneliness she could not know how to support and sooth you. Also, for women reading this….please recognize that your husband shows his attachment to you through sex. You may be too tired or too frustrated but disconnecting your sexual activity is like an insult to your husband. Sometimes when life is overwhelming “good morning” activities starts the day off right for both of you. Also, don’t hold grudges. The worst marriages I know are where the spouses can tell you in detail what each bad thing they both did years ago.
This in no way excuses cheating. You have, in essence told your wife she is worthless. It takes a forgiving nature to get past that. But…you appear to be truly remorseful so I hope your marriage survives. I read Chump Lady blog, and comment, and she is skeptical of remorse without follow through, sometime for a long period of time.
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I give you ALOT of credit for being so self-reflective. Its not easy to sit and catalog your faults and errors. This will serve you – and your wife- well in your healing process. I once read the the single most factor in marriages that heal after an affair is the WS accepting responsibility and “getting it”. While you can never fully comprehend your wife’s pain, you seem to get it. You accept that she has a right to feel this way. You allow her to feel whatever she needs to. It will take time to get out of Suckville. However, keep doing what you are doing and you’ll get there.
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I really admire your looking within. It takes a lot of guts to really look that deep and hard at yourself.
I think that getting through these very difficult times is a bit like a growing child. The progress happens so slowly, you barely notice. Then one day, you line the child up against the wall and see they’ve grown 4 inches. You’ll get there.
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Thats really great reflections. Something I wonder is.. why is it so difficult for people to hold on to their own convictions. You said when you tried to end it, the OW would somehow talk you out of it, or convince you otherwise, and in the end, you become manipulated and her hold strengthened. Why couldn’t you separate her arguments from your own brain, and make your own decisions? Why didn’t you just think “cheating is bad, no matter what the reason, so i need to end it” and hold on to that thought. Why did you feel you needed a “good reason” to end the affair, when you’ve already figured it out after DDAY1. I’m not berating you, but just curious what was going through your mind. From your posts, you seem very intelligent, and very insightful as well… so how did she manipulate you so much.
The process ahead will be difficult, but as you’ve said “this is my pain to bare”. This time, don’t give up! Your wife will have her share of pain to bear as well – and unfortunately you can’t take it away from her. And honestly, if you could, I don’t think you would be able to handle it – both the severity of the pain, as well as the length of time the pain will linger. For her to stay and work through this with you shows a real strength of character as well as a strong conviction to marriage and love. And while difficult to comprehend, I think she really wants to stay with you – but she just has this extra burden to carry now. It’s a paradox in that – she wants to be with you and its the betrayal and pain that she wants to get rid of, but in order to stay with you she has to carry it. You might not be able to take her burden away, but you can share in each other’s pain, support her, and work through this together. And let her share in your pain as well… and come out of this “suckville” together.
Good luck! It looks like you’re on the right track.
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Thanks for your comment. I do agree about the amount of work I have and how committed my wife is and the strength of her character. She constantly amazes me. As for your question., it is interesting because I read on MSN an article on the 12 facts about infidelity and I saw a lot of them in what I was going through. I have pasted the link below but to answer your question it was almost like an addiction. I don’t mean to say that I was addicted but I would be at home on in reality and it was just full of pain, anger, hurt, and I did not feel wanted, even after DDay1. I think it was worse because now I had more shame and guilt to add to it. But when I would go there into “fantasy Land” all that would disappear. It was like a drug that took all that away. So while her arguments probably had no merit the feelings are what kept me coming back. I would get there and think yea, this is so much better. I am happier here. She is right if I just stayed everyone would be happier.
The thing that really got me out of my own head so I could listen to reason was as I mentioned in the post about what I was teaching my kids. But then I still had to think what does she have that my wife doesn’t and if I stayed would I want my kids around her. I decided that she would have to make some drastic changes in her lifestyle in order for me to stay and ever let my kids there. I never went back after I went through those thoughts. We still talked but I never saw her again. There is obviously more to it but that will be in a post in the near future. Sorry for the long reply. Maybe I should have just posted this.
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I forgot to add the link.
http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/dating/12-surprising-facts-about-infidelity/ar-BBjhQPu#page=1
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Excellent article. Sending this to my husband now.
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” 4. I wanted reassurance that I was of some value.”… Like a child who pushes the boundaries to seek the approval. If a positive approach doesn’t work they try more daring approach. “A cry for help/how can I wake my wife up and she see me for me?!”
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