Will You Succeed? Yes You Will Indeed! Ninety-Eight Three-Quarters Percent Guaranteed!….Damn That One And A Quarter Percent!

 

succeed

Well, it has been a few days since I last posted and it has not been the most spectacular time.  I mentioned that I had therapy on Thursday and so did my wife.  She actually had two sessions, one with her normal person and one later with a sex therapist and marriage counselor who deals with infidelity.

After her first session and before mine she came home and looked a little worried.  I knew she wanted to talk but I was not going to push.  Her therapy is for her and I am not going to pry.  If she wants to talk to me about it then I will listen, but I will not ask.  I expect the same from her.  I had to set those rules right away because after our first sessions apart she wanted to quiz me about mine.  Anyways she was a little distant and I had a lot going on.  I had to work right after therapy, which I was not sure about but could not get around it and then this weekend I have been working 14 hour days.

So about an hour before I left she asked if she could ask me some questions.  I said do you want to do it now or after I get home.   She knew I wasn’t getting home until late that night so she did not want to wait.  I said okay, I will be glad to talk to you.  She had three questions and wanted to know if I could answer them for her.

1.  Why where not certain events (her taking her ring off, our fights about it, and a few other things) not important/impactful enough to me to end the relationship?

2. Why when I would go there to end the relationship would I get sucked back in and stay?  What did she do to make me want to stay?

3.  Why won’t I put my wedding ring back on?

These were not easy questions and I could not answer all of them.  The first question I said that the events were impactful enough for me to try and end it but for some reason I could not find a way out.  I kept trying to find a way that no one would get hurt in the end.  I thought if I had time I could figure a way out.  It wasn’t so much that I wanted to stay it was that I could find the exit door.

The second question I had no answer to.  I still don’t.  I don’t know what it was that kept me there.  I would go there with the intention of breaking it off and leave trying to decide if I wanted to leave my marriage.  It was hell and I had no idea what to think, how to think, and what to do.  I am still as confused about it today as I was back then.

The last question we have talked about before.  I took my ring off well before she did and she has since started wearing her ring again.  I have a hard time wearing it, not because I want to appear single but because of what it now represents to me.  It is a circle of broken promises.  It is a constant reminder that I did not hold up to my end of the bargain.  Every time I would look down I would be reminded of what I did and how hurtful I was to everyone.  I don’t know that I will ever be able to wear that ring again.  I said I think I would be able to wear a different ring but not that one.  It feels tainted to me.

We talked about a few other things and then it was time for me to head out for the night.  I was a little sensitive after our talk and I was hoping therapy would help me get through the night.  How silly of me to think that anything was going to go my way this weekend?

I got to therapy and my hour long appointment ended after an hour and a half and only because I had to leave to go to work.  We covered a lot of ground and none of it went well.  We talked about my panic attacks, my wandering eye, my inability to understand what love is, my work issues and looking for a job since I got my position eliminated by saving the rest of the people, and a lot of other things that I don’t remember.  But one of the big ones, was about the next day, Friday.  I was scheduled to work down in the OW hometown.  It was a rough session and I was a mess by the time I got to work.  Luckily I can lose myself in it and get a little reprieve from the pain.

My back and neck had been hurting from an accident on the previous Sunday and so when I got home I took some pain meds and went to bed.  We talked for a little in bed and I had promised my counselor that I would talk to her about my panic attacks.  Every time I leave the house I start to panic that when I get home my wife will have packed up and left.  I may only be going to the store for 5 min but I am convinced that she will be gone.  She keeps reassuring me that she won’t do it that way.  I have a hard time trusting that in my head because I said I would never cheat and look what happened.  The longer I am away the worse it gets.  Sometimes I will call just to double check, but sometimes I can’t breathe or see and I have to pull over and calm down (if I can).  Unfortunately no matter what she has said it still is a constant fear.

We went to bed and I found I could not sleep because of the pain in my neck and back.  I decided I would go into the doctor in the morning and see if they will give me some muscle relaxers to help with it.  Well I got an appointment at 9 and went in thinking it would be a short appointment, 15 min max.  How silly of me to think that.  You know when you say to yourself that nothing can ever get worse and then it somehow does, well that is how I feel all the time.  So the doctor thought I may have broken my neck.  Really???  I mean I know my arm went numb for a bit when I did it but a broken neck?  So 3 hours later with x-rays and waiting for the radiologist to look at the films I was finally given the news.  She told me I was lucky that I had not broken it.  However, while my neck might not have been broken, my shoulder was messed up pretty good so they are sending me to a surgeon this week.  So can it get worse, oh yeah it can.

The doctor wanted me in a sling until I saw the surgeon but I have not done it yet because I have had to work all week and I only got Motrin as a pain killer/swelling reducer.  Let me tell you it does not work on me.  So it is killing me.

Also the owner of one of my jobs decided to fire two employees that were slowly causing trouble.  So I got to deal with both these peoples accounts and give them the bad news.  It has been ugly all weekend and I have been running from one fire to the next.  I have been meeting with clients all weekend trying to calm everyone down but it is not working much.  We had huge events this weekend that they were supposed to be part of and now it was up to me to find adequate replacements.

My wife decided for my sanity and hers that she would go with me to work on Friday since it was in the OW’s home town.  I agreed because I don’t now what would happen if I went alone.  It was difficult, painful, scary, and a just plain miserable time.  Talk about triggers.  The whole hour drive was all triggers, every exit, billboard, even some of the bumps in the road.  We were both a mess.  I was really afraid she would want me to drive her around to see everything.  I did not know if she would do it, but I knew if she asked I would.

We talked and talked and tried to stay distracted but it did not work much.  I really wanted to drive straight to her house but knew I couldn’t.  It was really hard.

I got home and took a lot of drugs, had a drink and then passed out.  I wanted nothing to do with the rest of the weekend but I still had days to go.

And now here I am, writing at 1:30am when I need to be up in a few hours.  I don’t believe I have got even close to 20 hours of sleep this week and so it is killing me.

I cannot get her out of my head.  I really had a hard time not calling her today.  I normally have time on these types of day I would call her and we would talk.  Just the sound of her voice used to always make me feel much better.  I have desperately wanted to hear it in the last could of days but so far have held out.

Here is the other stupid, stupid thought that keep coming into my head.   It is that stupid question he asks almost every time we have a session.  Have I had thoughts of injuring or killing myself?  I am glad that he did not ask this time because it would have been hard to answer differently.  While I know it would just leave all my problems with my wife and family, I know it would also just end all this pain I am in.  Once something like that gets in my head and I have a hard time focusing.

And no counseling for 2 weeks…

I will write more tomorrow about my story, but I have to get my mandatory 3 hours of sleep with lots of drugs.

Will you succeed? Yes you will indeed! Ninety-Eight Three-Quarters percent guaranteed! – Dr Seuss

Advertisements

About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in April 2015, Coffee Affair and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Will You Succeed? Yes You Will Indeed! Ninety-Eight Three-Quarters Percent Guaranteed!….Damn That One And A Quarter Percent!

  1. After all the damage you have done, how can you even THINK about the other woman?? I find that so very sad. You’re still thinking about her while trying to “repair” your marriage. How do you justify this to yourself? SWxo

    Liked by 3 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      It makes me feel horrible when I do. It isn’t like I want to go see her or be with her, but that I am missing part of my life. It is a hole I can’t figure out how to fill. My therapist thought that this was normal and that as long as I keep NC these thoughts and feeling will fade and be replaced by what I am regrowing with my wife. But I fully understand your opinion.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Mands says:

      At least he is trying to repair their marriage. My husband doesn’t know what he wants

      Liked by 1 person

  2. bac4sccr says:

    Oh, and I handled those feelings and thoughts by calling and talking to my wife instead. It really helped to do that.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Anonyman says:

    I’ve been there – the missing, the triggers, the guilt, the just wanting it to end. It gets better. I can’t overemphasize the importance of no contact. As bad as things are now, they will be so much worse if you slip up. I know you know that, but depression and pain make people do crazy, irrational, self-destructive things.

    Final thought: your ring is tainted just like mine, and so is your marriage. I put my ring back on because I was committed to my tainted marriage and to remaking my vows (and keeping them this time). It’s your choice to out it back on or buy a new one, but there’s good symbolism there either way.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. I gave my husband a new ring unfortunately I thought he had ended the affair but he hadn’t. I just felt sick. I never took mine off because I have never broken the vows I made 28 years ago when he put it on my finger. I have noticed that I get calls, emails etc now that I didn’t get before so maybe he does the same as you. I can remember the feeling of utter revulsion when I read the mobile phone bill and he was having a 50 miniute conversation with her everyday on his way to work and again when he was on his way home. He never so much as texted me and if I phoned it would straight to voice mail. His phone is one of the worst triggers for me. It brings on my PTSD.

    Like

  5. KcRambles says:

    Give it time. Everything gets easier with the passing of time. i.e: Sometimes there are songs you just can’t listen to any longer because of memories (triggers) But then one day it’s one the radio and you realize you didn’t have to change the station and no emotion is attached to it, maybe a vague thought of that time…or nothing at all.

    I do feel bad for your wife, as she didn’t plan to be in this situation. And not only must she suffer for her own broken heart but see you struggle and suffer for someone who is not her. I really hope you two can find a place of solace soon.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I don’t have much to offer other than to say just keep trying. You’re doing it right. Keep going to therapy. Keep talking to your wife. It’s hard but change hurts. It seems like you truly love your wife. I know you are confused by your feelings for the OW. Sometimes life is full of confusing emotions. Remember that love is a choice not a feeling. Keep chosing to love your wife. Chose it every day.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. One of the things I trained myself to do was bounce my thoughts. There are so many triggers but if you continually choose to think about something else when you want to think of them, it helps. Or it did for me.

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      I try and stay as distracted as possible. It is funny that you don’t really understand how deeply involved people are with each other until they are gone and all you have are the memories. It doesn’t matter whether you liked them or not but the closer they are the more intertwined they become and the harder it is to untangle them from your life.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yep. It’s definitely hard. I said this early on and the more I see of it, the more I believe it – it is like a death. Not as bad because you know they are alive and well, then worse because they are alive yet you can’t see them. I have watched numerous people go through all the emotions of grief from anger to denial to depression to acceptance and whatever else grief involves. There are dreams and reminders and it really is just taking one day at a time and continuing to push forward. It is hard work, but every little improvement is worth it in the end.

        Liked by 2 people

  8. emmagc75 says:

    Wait did you say your wife said she doesn’t think the marriage is going to work? How long since affair ended? I’ve been on both sides and they both suck.
    It’s been 3 months since NC and I still love the OM but also love my husband very much. I am committed to rebuilding our marriage and things are slowly improving.
    But there are still those days that I really miss him. We were together for a year and a half and did lots of things besides having sex. Not that it wasn’t a huge component, just not the only one. Today I’m struggling a bit. Tomorrow will be better.

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      It depends on the day. She keeps asking to leave but it is really a cry for help. She wants us to work out and is going to keep working at our marriage. Right now the last contact I have had with the OW was the middle to end of Feb even though she has tried to contact me since.

      For me it is day to day and it sounds like it is the same for you. I have a hard time thinking that I don’t love my wife and that I didn’t love the OW. I have a hard time explaining any of this in my mind. That is why I even question what love is, how is it defined, how do you know it is not lust or infatuation or the excitement of a new relationship? These are questions I am struggling to answer. I really think I love my wife and I have really only wanted to make her happy. In a way, this was a simple way for me to boost my self-esteem that I feel snowballed out of control. i didn’t ever plan on cheating or even meeting anyone when this all started. If only I could go back…

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Quizzical says:

    Comfort in a time of need. He just wanted to run. A very confrontational moment. Like when a grown up sits a kid down for a serious talk and they just squirm in their chair wanting to escape! …
    As for your wondering eye – you are most likely exhausted with everything going on. I am glad to hear that you haven’t broken your neck and have to go to drastic measures like a Halo .. no fun. The meds take a toll on the body too. Those were tough questions put to you I must say! As corny as it sounds, when I see a person that’s had something happen, like an accident. its usually those who are flat out busy and its usually the body’s opportunity to slow down. Hard when we live in such a high paced world. It just seems to get faster and faster.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s