Well, it has been a few days since I last posted and it has not been the most spectacular time. I mentioned that I had therapy on Thursday and so did my wife. She actually had two sessions, one with her normal person and one later with a sex therapist and marriage counselor who deals with infidelity.
After her first session and before mine she came home and looked a little worried. I knew she wanted to talk but I was not going to push. Her therapy is for her and I am not going to pry. If she wants to talk to me about it then I will listen, but I will not ask. I expect the same from her. I had to set those rules right away because after our first sessions apart she wanted to quiz me about mine. Anyways she was a little distant and I had a lot going on. I had to work right after therapy, which I was not sure about but could not get around it and then this weekend I have been working 14 hour days.
So about an hour before I left she asked if she could ask me some questions. I said do you want to do it now or after I get home. She knew I wasn’t getting home until late that night so she did not want to wait. I said okay, I will be glad to talk to you. She had three questions and wanted to know if I could answer them for her.
1. Why where not certain events (her taking her ring off, our fights about it, and a few other things) not important/impactful enough to me to end the relationship?
2. Why when I would go there to end the relationship would I get sucked back in and stay? What did she do to make me want to stay?
3. Why won’t I put my wedding ring back on?
These were not easy questions and I could not answer all of them. The first question I said that the events were impactful enough for me to try and end it but for some reason I could not find a way out. I kept trying to find a way that no one would get hurt in the end. I thought if I had time I could figure a way out. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to stay it was that I could find the exit door.
The second question I had no answer to. I still don’t. I don’t know what it was that kept me there. I would go there with the intention of breaking it off and leave trying to decide if I wanted to leave my marriage. It was hell and I had no idea what to think, how to think, and what to do. I am still as confused about it today as I was back then.
The last question we have talked about before. I took my ring off well before she did and she has since started wearing her ring again. I have a hard time wearing it, not because I want to appear single but because of what it now represents to me. It is a circle of broken promises. It is a constant reminder that I did not hold up to my end of the bargain. Every time I would look down I would be reminded of what I did and how hurtful I was to everyone. I don’t know that I will ever be able to wear that ring again. I said I think I would be able to wear a different ring but not that one. It feels tainted to me.
We talked about a few other things and then it was time for me to head out for the night. I was a little sensitive after our talk and I was hoping therapy would help me get through the night. How silly of me to think that anything was going to go my way this weekend?
I got to therapy and my hour long appointment ended after an hour and a half and only because I had to leave to go to work. We covered a lot of ground and none of it went well. We talked about my panic attacks, my wandering eye, my inability to understand what love is, my work issues and looking for a job since I got my position eliminated by saving the rest of the people, and a lot of other things that I don’t remember. But one of the big ones, was about the next day, Friday. I was scheduled to work down in the OW hometown. It was a rough session and I was a mess by the time I got to work. Luckily I can lose myself in it and get a little reprieve from the pain.
My back and neck had been hurting from an accident on the previous Sunday and so when I got home I took some pain meds and went to bed. We talked for a little in bed and I had promised my counselor that I would talk to her about my panic attacks. Every time I leave the house I start to panic that when I get home my wife will have packed up and left. I may only be going to the store for 5 min but I am convinced that she will be gone. She keeps reassuring me that she won’t do it that way. I have a hard time trusting that in my head because I said I would never cheat and look what happened. The longer I am away the worse it gets. Sometimes I will call just to double check, but sometimes I can’t breathe or see and I have to pull over and calm down (if I can). Unfortunately no matter what she has said it still is a constant fear.
We went to bed and I found I could not sleep because of the pain in my neck and back. I decided I would go into the doctor in the morning and see if they will give me some muscle relaxers to help with it. Well I got an appointment at 9 and went in thinking it would be a short appointment, 15 min max. How silly of me to think that. You know when you say to yourself that nothing can ever get worse and then it somehow does, well that is how I feel all the time. So the doctor thought I may have broken my neck. Really??? I mean I know my arm went numb for a bit when I did it but a broken neck? So 3 hours later with x-rays and waiting for the radiologist to look at the films I was finally given the news. She told me I was lucky that I had not broken it. However, while my neck might not have been broken, my shoulder was messed up pretty good so they are sending me to a surgeon this week. So can it get worse, oh yeah it can.
The doctor wanted me in a sling until I saw the surgeon but I have not done it yet because I have had to work all week and I only got Motrin as a pain killer/swelling reducer. Let me tell you it does not work on me. So it is killing me.
Also the owner of one of my jobs decided to fire two employees that were slowly causing trouble. So I got to deal with both these peoples accounts and give them the bad news. It has been ugly all weekend and I have been running from one fire to the next. I have been meeting with clients all weekend trying to calm everyone down but it is not working much. We had huge events this weekend that they were supposed to be part of and now it was up to me to find adequate replacements.
My wife decided for my sanity and hers that she would go with me to work on Friday since it was in the OW’s home town. I agreed because I don’t now what would happen if I went alone. It was difficult, painful, scary, and a just plain miserable time. Talk about triggers. The whole hour drive was all triggers, every exit, billboard, even some of the bumps in the road. We were both a mess. I was really afraid she would want me to drive her around to see everything. I did not know if she would do it, but I knew if she asked I would.
We talked and talked and tried to stay distracted but it did not work much. I really wanted to drive straight to her house but knew I couldn’t. It was really hard.
I got home and took a lot of drugs, had a drink and then passed out. I wanted nothing to do with the rest of the weekend but I still had days to go.
And now here I am, writing at 1:30am when I need to be up in a few hours. I don’t believe I have got even close to 20 hours of sleep this week and so it is killing me.
I cannot get her out of my head. I really had a hard time not calling her today. I normally have time on these types of day I would call her and we would talk. Just the sound of her voice used to always make me feel much better. I have desperately wanted to hear it in the last could of days but so far have held out.
Here is the other stupid, stupid thought that keep coming into my head. It is that stupid question he asks almost every time we have a session. Have I had thoughts of injuring or killing myself? I am glad that he did not ask this time because it would have been hard to answer differently. While I know it would just leave all my problems with my wife and family, I know it would also just end all this pain I am in. Once something like that gets in my head and I have a hard time focusing.
And no counseling for 2 weeks…
I will write more tomorrow about my story, but I have to get my mandatory 3 hours of sleep with lots of drugs.
Will you succeed? Yes you will indeed! Ninety-Eight Three-Quarters percent guaranteed! – Dr Seuss