I survived the night. I am not sure how, but somehow it happened. After my long rambling last night my wife asked me to sit down and watch The Silver lining Playbook. Now I have seen the movie before and I liked it the first time but I really don’t think I could ever watch that movie again. My wife asked me what the problem was and why it bothered me so much. I have mentioned before that I have a very hard time not only understanding my emotions but then communicating them is even more difficult.
Why did that movie bug me? I am not 100% sure. Is it that I feel as crazy a both the two characters? Is it that I can’t stand to watch romantic comedies anymore because love and laughter just don’t seem to go together? Is it that the movie was based on infidelity and the cheater (while she was only briefly in the movie) was portrayed as unapologetic and it was up to the betrayed to “win her back”?
But how did all of this make me feel? What were my feelings behind me being upset? Anger, resentment, stupidity, unfairness, guilt, shame, and probably what ever negative emotion I could throw at myself.
I tried coping with a lot of xanax and another fun medication I have been prescribed. It didn’t help too much. Panic started to set in and I knew I was in for a long night.
After the movie we went to bed and she knew I was pretty down and she wanted to talk. I promised I would talk whenever she wanted so we began. We rehashed something’s she already asked me about. When did it start? When did you begin the physical part? Then she dropped the mini bomb.
She apologized for looking at my tablet because she did not know it was off limits. I asked her what she was referring to because I told her she can look at anything she wants whenever she wants. She said that she thought we had stopped communicating and there was her resume on my tablet with the date after the date I ended things.
I told her I really did not know what she was talking about so I grabbed my tablet and asked her to show me. So she brought up a folder with a whole host of documents that I only knew what a couple were. Then it clicked. It was a shared google folder that she must still be using. So I explained it and deleted it off my computer. It must have been eating at her all day and that is why she had been a little off.
I asked her to please just come get me and show me as soon as she sees anything. The only way we are going to build trust is if she knows I am not hiding anything. We talked about a few more things but it all was just another reminder of my failures.
She drifted off to sleep and I laid awake for a long time just thinking.
Now here I am today, no better off than I was yesterday except I survived. Tomorrow begins the chaos and while I felt ready two days ago, I am not sure I am anymore.
I just wonder…..
Can I make it? Am I even meant to make it? Days like today I have a hard time believing it is possible. What about my drifting eye syndrome? And here is the kicker that I will end on. Last night I was thinking and I posed myself a question.
If there was another woman that was attractive and I knew my wife would never know, would I? FML
Be awesome! Be a book nut! – Dr. Seuss