I survived the night. I am not sure how, but somehow it happened. After my long rambling last night my wife asked me to sit down and watch The Silver lining Playbook. Now I have seen the movie before and I liked it the first time but I really don’t think I could ever watch that movie again. My wife asked me what the problem was and why it bothered me so much. I have mentioned before that I have a very hard time not only understanding my emotions but then communicating them is even more difficult.
Why did that movie bug me? I am not 100% sure. Is it that I feel as crazy a both the two characters? Is it that I can’t stand to watch romantic comedies anymore because love and laughter just don’t seem to go together? Is it that the movie was based on infidelity and the cheater (while she was only briefly in the movie) was portrayed as unapologetic and it was up to the betrayed to “win her back”?
But how did all of this make me feel? What were my feelings behind me being upset? Anger, resentment, stupidity, unfairness, guilt, shame, and probably what ever negative emotion I could throw at myself.
I tried coping with a lot of xanax and another fun medication I have been prescribed. It didn’t help too much. Panic started to set in and I knew I was in for a long night.
After the movie we went to bed and she knew I was pretty down and she wanted to talk. I promised I would talk whenever she wanted so we began. We rehashed something’s she already asked me about. When did it start? When did you begin the physical part? Then she dropped the mini bomb.
She apologized for looking at my tablet because she did not know it was off limits. I asked her what she was referring to because I told her she can look at anything she wants whenever she wants. She said that she thought we had stopped communicating and there was her resume on my tablet with the date after the date I ended things.
I told her I really did not know what she was talking about so I grabbed my tablet and asked her to show me. So she brought up a folder with a whole host of documents that I only knew what a couple were. Then it clicked. It was a shared google folder that she must still be using. So I explained it and deleted it off my computer. It must have been eating at her all day and that is why she had been a little off.
I asked her to please just come get me and show me as soon as she sees anything. The only way we are going to build trust is if she knows I am not hiding anything. We talked about a few more things but it all was just another reminder of my failures.
She drifted off to sleep and I laid awake for a long time just thinking.
Now here I am today, no better off than I was yesterday except I survived. Tomorrow begins the chaos and while I felt ready two days ago, I am not sure I am anymore.
I just wonder…..
Can I make it? Am I even meant to make it? Days like today I have a hard time believing it is possible. What about my drifting eye syndrome? And here is the kicker that I will end on. Last night I was thinking and I posed myself a question.
If there was another woman that was attractive and I knew my wife would never know, would I? FML
Be awesome! Be a book nut! – Dr. Seuss
There’s some sage advice about. One of the things I recall from that first year (and still goes on to a much lesser degree) is that the betrayed will go over, amd over, and over, then over again, the past. Dates. Details (like how did you have time on such-and-such day as you were flat out with xyz). It takes multiple rehashes to cement any kind of sense-making picture, or timeline. It was almost like I was trying to catch him in a lie that proved he was pulling my leg. There was no affair. It was a totally cruel joke. Very odd. But I see that now. So stupid. Your head is totally screwed!
I think when you are truly in love with someone, you don’t have a wondering eye. Many of my friends are in long term marriages, over 15 and 20 years, and they are not even remotely interested in looking outside of their relationship. I know you want to make it work, that you are trying with all your might to make it work, but maybe, just maybe, your wife is no longer the person you are meant to be with. I don’t know… I am just meandering through my own broken 22 year relationship.
I feel like my wandering eye was because I have been trying to band aid my broken marriage. When I was truly happy in my marriage I never looked at anyone else. Now it makes me sad to realize its in both of our best interests to move forward separately in order for us both to be happy again.
That’s what I am afraid of. How long do you try? I really am so confused because I am not an emotional person and for some reason I am overwhelmed and I don’t know how to interpret these feelings. It just pushes me farther down.
I think you keep trying until you feel like you could be happier elsewhere and you feel like your spouse deserves someone who can fully love them in a way you are no longer capable of loving them again. Its so tough, but life is short and we only have one choice at happiness.
I must agree with the comments about if you are truly in love, you don’t look elsewhere. I know that in every relationship I’ve been in, I wasn’t remotely interested in anyone else. I started talking to B before I left my H, but I had been planning my divorce for a few years. I talked to B for less than 2 weeks before I split from XH. That marriage had been dead and over for a long time.
I believe chemistry, smell and being each other’s eqal are just as high up the pecking order. Looks are a bonus. We all have our own preference in style and have our favourite body parts unique to our partner.