So, I had written a whole other post that was explaining a lot more about my past and why I believed that my wife really did not want me and did not need me anymore. I was just making her miserable. Well that one is going to have to wait.
I have had a good week. My older two kids came home last night (earlier than expected) and we are getting ready for post spring break life. My jobs go into full swing this next week so I will now be working 6 or 7 days a week until almost July. So after we put our kids to bed my wife’s work friends invited us out for a few drinks. She wasn’t really sure I wanted to go, but I told her I would be fine and I will just enjoy spending the night with her.
We got there and an old co-worker of theirs was back in town and came out with everyone. I had see her earlier in the day while I was helping install some stuff in my wife’s work and she stopped in to say hello. Well, she was attractive but I did not think any thing of it at the time. We played some darts, some pool and just had a good time mostly because we knew it was the last night for a while before we will be able to do it again. I was the driver so I only had one drink over the 3 or so hours we were there.
My wife decided to drink quite a bit. This is not common, in fact the last time I saw her drink even remotely close to this was the night she confronted me about my affair. That night she was building up liquid courage. So last night I was a slight bit concerned, but I have been very transparent with her since then so I am not really sure what she could be preparing for. Anyways the whole night the co-worker from out of town kept giving me extended looks, smiles, and plenty of compliments. I was not there more than 5 minutes before she came up and introduced herself to me. She also did not know at that moment I was married to my wife.
Now I know a lot of you are thinking the worst, but that is all that happened. Just that. I do feel she was attracted to me and I did not do anything to encourage it. In fact I stayed near my wife for most of the night. I also showed more public affection than I normally would just to make sure she understood. Now maybe she was super friendly and I am over reading this but even as we left (she left this morning to go back to wherever she lives now) she said she was glad to meet me and she can’t wait to come back and hang out with us again. And that she would have to remember me and that I actually know how to play pool. As I write this it sounds innocent but I really did not feel it was last night and my wife was already not in shape to remember what was going on.
You are probably wondering where this post is going but I will get there.
During the night the group of them were trying to get one more of their friends to come out with them. After about 45 min of harassment he agreed to come but he wasn’t going to drive. So, I went to go get him. Before I left I went to use the restroom and as I was coming back there was a very attractive blonde that was walking toward me (and the restrooms). She made eye contact, held it, smiled and still did not look away. I smiled back and as we passed each other I could tell out of the corner of my eye that she turned to look at me. After I got back from getting their friend she was right at the door getting ready to leave. She saw me walk back in and smiled again and then whispered to her two friends, who all then looked at me. I took the long way to get back to my group as it was away from her and she left.
It always used to make me feel good when people would find me attractive. I used to love these moments. Anytime someone finds you attractive it feels good. I would hope that is a natural reaction. Here is my problem. I know the whole time I have been with my wife I have found these moments. I looked for these moments even before we really had problems. Now in the time I spent with the OW, I cannot ever recall me noticing anyone else. She held my attention. I don’t know if it was because the time I had with her was always short and intense. We also obviously did not go to many places with lots of people either, but I would think I would have had one moment like this but I cannot think of one.
I have not been able to get this thought out of my head all day. It won’t leave. You add this to my post the other day about how I still think about the OW often and it scares me on so many different levels.
My wife as you can guess had a difficult night for a little while. I stayed up with her and finally got her to sleep. Then I woke up at 7am to my daughter being sick so I got up to handle it all. It was my wife’s last day to sleep in for a few weeks so I let her have her day. Now there is sleeping in and there is not wanting to face the world. I couldn’t get her out of bed until 1:00pm. She wasn’t sick or hung over she just did not want to face the world.
She talked to me about it a little and how she is afraid of going back to reality. After having a good week with very little responsibilities because two of our kids were gone and my schedule was very light knowing that I was going to be overworking for the next few months. She thinks that I am going to be unhappy and she won’t be able to give me the attention she gave me this week. She is worried that I will be expecting the same level. I assured her that I knew this was a special week and that I was so happy with the time we got together and that even though we won’t have much we just have to make those moments count. But I don’t know how to help her understand what kind of attention I want and need.
Why?? I am not sure I know exactly how to describe it. I want to feel wanted and needed. I want to feel desired and attractive. I want her to look at me at least once in a while with that look in her eye that says exactly what she wants. How do you tell someone how you want to be all of those things. As soon as I say those words she will say ask me how she can show me those things. I DON’T KNOW… I guess I am really saying I want to be valued by her in more ways than the father, taxi driver, provider, cleaning service, bill payer, and homework helper. Those are all ways I am needed for my household, my family but I want more.
Now after thinking about these instances I am worried that I am also not those things for her. Maybe she feels the same way about me. Maybe she doesn’t think I want and need her, but I try and do so many things to show her that I do. And I definitely look at her with that look in my eye. It just isn’t always acted upon because of the look I get in return.
Now I am worried that it won’t be enough for her. She has been down all day. And to top it all off I got a word with friends game request from the OW today. I obviously have not accepted but it is just adding to my inner turmoil today.
How do you go from everything seemingly going well to what I feel like now? I can feel myself on the slide and I am going down fast. I know I will be worse tomorrow and she already can tell I am pretty off tonight.
So what do I do??? I just want this nightmare to be over. I want to look at her and know that she doesn’t have to work to want to be with me. I want her to crave my attention and carry it. I want to only notice her and I want the same in return. I know I am probably asking for a miracle because I have pretty much destroyed any chance I have of these things. She will be guarded and rightly so. She will never fully give herself back to me and so I don’t know that she can ever get all of me in return. Hell, I don’t even know where parts of me are. But I have destroyed everything and I see very little hope today. Hope…a four letter word…
I am not going to proof this until tomorrow. I am going to see if I can find away to sleep even though I know it will be futile. At least I guess I will read a couple of books.
Unless! – Dr. Seuss