You Are You. Now, Isn’t That Pleasant?…….No, No, I Don’t Think It Is

So I have been debating on letting you all know about counseling, my date with my wife last night or continue on with my story.  Counseling really wasn’t that exciting and the date was great.  I had bought my wife a dress a few weeks ago because nothing she has fits anymore since she lost all her weight.  It was the first “little black dress” that she has ever owned and she looked amazing in it.  Other than that, our night was good and ended well.  So onto the story.  I have been putting off starting into the next sections of the story over and over because in some ways they are the hardest parts to write.

Last time, I ended with her wanting to see me again.  We were sending very provocative texts back and forth.  We were not sexting, but as close as you could get without it.  We were having exploratory conversations testing each others experience levels and limits.  She had many more past partners than I (not hard to make it past 1), she also had done many things that you could say were on my fantasy wish list that I never believed I would ever experience.  Some she wanted to make come true for me or so she said to me.

We also kept sharing more and more personal information with each other.  I learned about her first marriage and how it ended abruptly when she left him because he punched her.  It was only once but that was enough (which, damn straight, she should have left.  Nothing excuses even one).  She was broke and hurt.  Her husband filed all the divorce paper work, kept the kids and told them a lot of things that made her kids not want to see her anymore (at least 1 has come back around and is now involved in her life and another is starting to).  She did not know anything about divorces, rights, custody arrangements and just thought that her ex would be fair with her in the process.  As you can probably tell she got completely screwed.  She got almost no time with her kids and even when she did her ex wouldn’t make the kids go with her.  He would just tell her they didn’t want to come and so she rarely got to see them.  I also told her things about my life and my marriage.  I mentioned that I have had a marriage with lots of ups and downs but I have finally realized that I had the ups and downs but she has been on a steady decline.  This went on for a days and I felt like we really had a connection.  She kept telling me how easy it was to talk to me and how I can make her feel so safe that she can share most anything with me.  She told me that she has not felt this at ease with anyone before.  I told her that I felt the same.  I was a lot less guarded around her and felt like I could say anything and it would not surprise her or scare her away.

Now, I have things from my past well before I ever met my wife that I have spent my entire life hiding and burying so far deep inside that they will never see the light of day.  I have never told my wife or anyone for that matter.  They are suppressed so deeply that most of it seems like a bad dream that is clouded in a fog.  I only mention this because I felt connected to her enough that I actually considered telling her about these things.  Not this early on in our relationship but I did consider telling her.  She also told me that she had things from her past that were deeply hidden and she never would talk about.  I didn’t push because I, of all people, can understand.  But we kept sharing and sharing.

I think this led to a lot of the attraction that I felt.  It was new and exciting and she was interested in everything I had to say.  Now in hindsight, I can say that this is probably how I first started with my wife.  We were sharing and exploring each other intellectually and emotionally.  I really believe that is what really hooked me, it had been 22 years since someone made me feel this way and I wasn’t even sure if I actually felt this excited and close to my wife all those years ago.  Once course I didn’t, I was 16.  How stupid was I while all this was happening?  Of course I didn’t feel the same, I had ZERO relationship experience.  I was in a family that openly detested me (I believe I had officially/unofficially moved out by that point) so it was also the first real feelings that anyone had cared about me.  So were they different?  Like night and day…  I just didn’t even consider that until it was way too late.

So the OW kept pushing to see me again and I finally gave in.  I did want to see her but I still hesitant.  So I picked a date and time that was before my wife left on her vacation so I would have a reason not to stay long.  Now I have thought about this for a while, why did I finally decide to meet her again even though I was pretty sure deep down that I knew what I was getting into.  I know on the surface I thought I could control myself.  I mean seriously, I waited a year and a half before my wife and I finally slept together for the first time.  So really, the second time I was going to see this woman we would actually do it.  No way!  Not in a million years!  Uggghhhh… (I guess on the surface I was old-fashioned, but deep down I knew.  I really knew).

I picked a day that my wife had things with the kids and I was heading out for a couple of hours to be by myself.  This was nothing new as I had been doing this since I convinced myself my wife did not want or need me, months before I met the OW.  I really only needed 3 or 4 hours.  1 hour drive time both ways would leave me with 1 or 2 hours with her.  I talked to the OW and we planned on me picking her up and we would go to lunch and then maybe go for another walk.  All safe things I believed.  Well as safe as you can get when you are going on a date with someone other than your wife.  It was all planned out.  I felt nervous, excited, scared, and hopeful all at the same time.  Why hopeful?  Well, I also planned it so the day before, my kids all had things to do outside of the house. So my wife and I could have some alone time.  Maybe we could really reconnect that spark?  Hopeful…

The day before, we got our kids off to their respective activities and once we got home I was hopeful (there goes that word again) that we would have a good day.

Once we got home I said “Hey, now we have the next few hours to ourselves what should we do?”  I just may have given her a sly smile, but not sure.

She replied with she knew exactly what she wanted…..wait for it……wait for it…….”A nap.  I haven’t been able to have a decent nap in days.”

I felt like I got kicked in the balls.  Naps to her were 3 or 4 hours long.  The same amount of time the kids were going to be gone.

“Are you sure?  Maybe you would like “special nap”?  I replied.

Then she gave me one of those looks.  Like I just punched her in the stomach.  She told me she knew it had been a long time but she really just wanted a nap.  Maybe if I came and snuggled with her then we could have some fun when she woke up.  Now this may seem like a good idea, but I also know that we have tried and tried this approach and it never worked.  So she was basically trying to let me down easy.  But it still sucked.  I knew she really didn’t want me so why bother.

“How about a walk or something else?”  I asked.

“No, I just want to feel my bed.  I really love my bed.”  She answered.

Now I had really had started to hate our bed.  At the time I thought if I told her I was leaving if we didn’t get rid of that stupid bed, that she would choose the bed.  She spent more time in it than she ever wanted to with me and also with the kids.

“What are you going to do?”  She asked me and I told her I would watch TV or catch up on some work.  So off to bed she went and I went downstairs to tell the OW how excited I was for the next day.

Looking back, I know I was hurt and I probably should spend a lot of time on the background of why I felt this way.  I know I told you that there was a steady decline in our marriage and that she sunk farther and farther into a depressive state, but there is a reason I put all that blame on me.  I knew it was my fault.    But all of that will have to wait for next time.

You are you. Now, isn’t that pleasant? – Dr. Seuss