Ah, therapy. The only thing in my life that guarantees that I am crazy. I get to go hear myself say how ridiculous I was and never even noticed. I am going again today and I think it is the first time I am going with more good days than bad in between sessions. Just writing that raises a panic inside of me. I must be building up for a gigantic fall and my craziness is just teasing me. I am not sure what to feel about it. Luckily we won’t be dealing with my forgiveness/shame issues as that is saved for next week. No, this week will probably be about my work stress.
So my work is not something I mention much on here other than I do a couple of different jobs. If you want to be technical, I actually do 3, but 2 of them are closely related. Well, about the time my relationship went into a free fall, my job situation was changing rapidly. The company that I work for was in disarray and they knew that I had experience “fixing” companies with similar issues. So they hired me in a different capacity, as a consultant of sorts. It was to be a long-term deal and so I rearranged my life to make it work. I changed so this was my main source of income as it was more than I was currently making.
I set some clear guidelines that must be met in order for me to do my job and be successful. If the owner of the company did not want to meet these then I honestly could do nothing to save the company. I even went so far as to lay out what needed to be done by whom and what needed to be outsourced and so forth. The bad news was that the owner needed to reinvest into his company which took money away from him in the short-term, but it was not like he was struggling with what he was still making. Long story short, I got his agreement that he would make the necessary changes and so I agreed to take the job. I would know in 3 months whether or not the company would make it because if the owner had not made the changes by then it would be too late.
As you can guess, he did not do any of the proposed changes. So I have spent the last 8 months making sure I am protecting myself from any potential law suites and making it clear that I was trying everything I could so I may still be marketable when this is all done. Unfortunately, this will affect about 500 people and their families and so I have had a hard time living with that because a lot of them knew I was the last hope for this company. I feel for these people and many of them I know well. So for the last 3 months I have been convincing the owner to merge with another company and cash out. It has taken time but I finally got it finished this week. We will be taken over by a new company with a more stable management. While this is a very big stress relief in some ways it is also bitter-sweet. I saved these families but in the process I have written myself out of a job. I knew if the merger were to take place that there was a 95% chance that I would not be brought over into a similar or equal role. I would have to take a drastic pay-cut to stay on or get out completely.
I have had all this added to my relationship issues and it does make the days and nights very long some times. Most of the people and their families won’t know about me leaving until I am gone and the new company is taking over. I have been trying and trying to find a new job within the area but because I have a unique skill set, my jobs are difficult to find and usually I have to be willing to relocate. I still may have to do that but we are trying to stay until my older two finish high school.
So to recap my last year, my marriage falls apart and wife falls into a deeply depressed state. I fall off the end of the earth in self-loathing and decide to latch onto superficial things that make me temporarily feel better. My job falls apart without me being able to do anything about it. I am quickly looking at going from 3 jobs down to none as all my contacts run out at the same time. I decide my wife doesn’t love me or want me anymore and I create an alternate me that starts another relationship. This blows up what was left of my relationship with my wife and in the end I still could end up with what, nothing.
What is the good news out of this all? Well, my relationship is getting better with my wife. We have had to focus on relationship and reinvest in ourselves to strengthen who we are and what we bring to each other. I truly understood what it was like for my wife having to cope with depression as I have been suffering from it for a while now. At least hers is now mostly under control, just in time for me to go nuts. I have saved a large group of people from a lot of turmoil even though most of them didn’t know it was coming and will never know I saved them from what was coming. I wish I could say that it was all worth it, that all the trouble I have had this last year was worth it in the end, but to be honest I really don’t think it was.
I am still going to be jobless (most likely). I am still a cheating husband with no guarantee that my wife won’t decide one day it is too much for her to deal with and want out. I have already told her she just has to ask and I will grant it to her. I hurt another person with my selfish actions. My children have suffered, not because they know of these issues but they are not stupid and know that my wife and I are having problems. I have alienated the only people who have accepted me as family, her family. I know I cannot go back and pretend like none of this ever happened. They entrusted their daughter to me when I was 18 and I promised to love, honor and cherish her, and I failed. I know they had reservations about their daughter getting married so young, especially with someone with my familial background. I know I would if my daughter wanted to get married at that age to someone like me. They don’t even know that the affair occurred, but me knowing is enough. So I am alone again, lost in a world that seems to be out to get me. So do I really want to cry because my situations are coming to an end and smile because they happened. No way. I want to cry for both reasons, and then beat the hell out of something. I want a reset button and a chance to do it all over again. I want to be a better person than I have become.
This is one whiny post, I know. Today has been filled with things that remind me of everything I have been through and therapy is just going to bring more of them up. Ughh… I really just can’t wait. Maybe I will update later tonight with how it went or hopefully I will be too intoxicated to be able to work my computer and it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened – Dr. Seuss
Hope you find moments of piece today.
Thank you, me too…
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Your honesty is a breathe of fresh air. It is so isolating to be involved in a long term affair and then the experience of feeling like a bad person can be so overwhelming. For me the pain is not because it happened but its the pain of the loss of innocence and naivety of settling and knowing that I hurt someone who I love but am no longer in love with. Thank you for sharing and helping others not feel alone.
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Thank you. It seems that there isn’t many on this side that speak up so it can surely be lonely. And you are right about the pain. It feels like you are being ripped in two and then you add the depression, shame and anger and you just hope you can survive each day.
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Alot of what you say sounds like to familiar.
Yes, I read what you have wrote and there are a lot of similarities. It still doesn’t make it any easier.
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Nope wasn’t implying that it did. It is s nightmare.
So have you gotten to the nucleus of why you had your affair? I think that’s a huge start if you have. And if not, something to work on. They say there are 7 or 8 different types of affairs, but not everything falls into some perfect box. Sometimes reasons are more varied than articles list them to be.
Also–you seem to be good at “saving people” through your work. But I wonder too, why you can’t save your marriage? Some of the brightest executives I know are monetarily set, full of accolades or achievements. But when it comes to actual relationships, they fail miserably because they never put the same amount of work into the ones that love them. The greatest burdens on many high ranking ceo’s/entrepreneurs etc are often placed on the ones they love. For they are the ones that sacrifice daily to support such leaders.
I guess what I am questioning is–do you fall into that category? And are you ready to really transform your marriage into the one you want?
Not many people get this, especially in the the aftermath of an affair ending. But you have the ability to feel all those wonderful feelings that you felt with your AP–but with your wife. Unfortunately, your AP isn’t some mythical unicorn that could only make you feel that way. Those feelings were created within you. Given enough time, you can create that same connections again with your spouse. It takes work. I don’t think everyone’s formula will be the same. It starts with honesty…add in working together on anything you two use to love doing together….add in some adventure and both utterly changing every stale, boring habit you’ve slipped into over the years. And plenty of sex (mandatory–this is the glue to all marriages–I don’t care what anyone says).
You can get there. You can pull out of this and have an amazing marriage again. Don’t lose hope. There are plenty of people who have gotten through this and have a much stronger, sexier marriage for it.
Take this one day at a time….but believe you will get there—and you will.
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Unbelievable… I do fall into that category. I feel she has always sacrificed a lot for me and for the family.
Your words help me more than you can possibly know.
Double edged sword. On the outer therapy sounds cookcoo but a safe haven on the inside for those most important around you making you feel crazy because what you think is a simple existence no one else is meeting your requirements.
That was a bit backwards but I think its legible.