Happy Easter everyone. Mine has been relatively quiet. It is the beginning of spring break around here and my two oldest kids decided to take school trips out-of-town. That leaves my wife and I home with my youngest for 10 days. I have been a little nervous about this but so far so good. I will try to continue on with my story.
So as a quick recap. My wife and I were not exactly on the same page and we were not communicating real well with each other. At least that is my assessment after the fact. At the time I thought I had been clear what the problems were but I now know that I was not even close to being able to communicate this in a way she would understand. She was on her second trip of the summer and I was feeling unloved and had been for sometime. I felt she was unhappy with me and our relationship. So I was trying to get self-esteem boosts by chatting with women on a dating app. I had been talking to one in particular that I had given my real number to and let her text me. Well she had told me what her work schedule was and so I thought I could go down meet her after her work and then have an impromptu lunch or something. I was planning on it being very informal. She still did not know I was married and I did not plan on doing anything with her. I just wanted to meet this person who seemed to understand me so well and what I was going through.
So I drove the hour down to her work. During the drive I had a lot of reservations about this but I somehow rationalized them by saying I was only meeting someone as a friend and that I was not going to do anything with this person and we could just talk. Maybe she would end up being someone I could confide in and she could help me with my current situation. I showed up right as she was supposed to get off and went in and asked for her. They told me I just missed her. I quickly texted her and told her I was sitting at her work. She was pleasantly surprised and told me to come to her apartment as she only lived a mile away. She gave me directions and I was even more nervous as I did not really want to be alone with her in her apartment but I figured I could handle any situation and so I went over to her place.
She met me at the door and after a somewhat awkward hello we sat on her couch and talked for a while. It was oddly easy and familiar to talk with her. I then asked if she wanted to grab something to eat so we went to a close restaurant and grabbed some lunch. We talked and talked and I really enjoyed her company. It was intoxicating and she seemed to truly enjoy me for who I was. I wasn’t pretending to be someone I wasn’t (except for that whole part about me being married) and she liked me. I felt relaxed with her, something I had not felt in my own home for a while.
After lunch she asked if we wanted to go back to her place and I declined asking instead if she would like to go for a walk. It was a nice day and I figured it was much safer. I knew as well as things were going it would be very hard for me to say no to this woman. So I knew I shouldn’t put myself in any bad situations (too late, I know). So we parked by some railroad tracks and began walking and talking. we walked for a while and then found a place were we could sit and talk. We began talking and things just seemed to spark. It was weird because I never had anything to compare it to because I had only ever dated my wife. So these feelings were very new to me and I did not understand them. We talked and talked about many different things. No topic seemed off the table. It was so comforting.
She told me she never wanted to get married again. She did want to get into another relationship but she was just really looking for a few good friends and then she would see where things went. I told her I was in the same boat. I did not know what I currently wanted so I was just looking for some good fun company. We talked and talked and laughed and really had a good time. At one point we had a slight lull in the conversation and she asked me what I was thinking. She must have seen the far off look in my face because I was deep in thought. I was thinking how much different she was than my wife. How exciting, how refreshing. I did not feel judged, just accepted. I felt like she really understood me and liked me for who I was, even though she truly did not know who I was yet. Anyways, she asked what I was thinking and I just looked at her for a second then leaned in and kissed her softly. We kissed for a minute or so before we broke and then she smiled and said what a nice thought that must have been. We then stayed there kissing for some time. The weird part is that I would have never done that before and was so out of character for me I was almost freaked out. My wife had been the one who made all the moves on me while we were dating. So this was so far from what I had known or thought myself to be.
We eventually walked back and I drove her back to her place and walked her in. I kissed her good-bye and then got in my car to head home. I knew at that point I could not see her again or I was going to be in big trouble. I knew that if I saw her again things would end up going much farther than they already had and I did not want that to happen. Instead I needed to see if I could fix my relationship with my wife. So that is what I decided to do on my drive home. She would be home in a few days and I would see if I could make one more push to save our marriage. If only I knew what was coming I would have tried so differently. But at the time I really felt I was doing the best I could. I thought I should be able to fix it all on my own. But they always say hindsight is 20/20.
Well, I will continue another day. It is difficult to remember this because it is like reliving my worst mistakes of my life over and over, but if I am going to truly get over them and learn from them I need to figure out Why, Why did I do what I did? If only it was only a bad dream…
Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one – Dr. Seuss