It has been a long weekend. I had to work all weekend so basically I worked, ate and slept. So I didn’t have much time to write. I am now sick and feel miserable. I had counseling again today and we talked for a while about my growing anxiety of being home. I am not sure what causes it other than I am constantly afraid she will wake up from this nightmare and leave when I am gone. My rational side says she won’t do it and I know she won’t but it doesn’t lessen the anxiety I have over it.
He thinks that I need to be able to talk with her about my lack of positive feelings. I feel like a robot or I am deep in a pit of despair. I have a hard time right now feeling anything. I want to be here, I really do but I just am struggling to find joy and happiness. I know I need to give it time. Our marriage didn’t break over time, it took years and years of neglect on both our parts, but it doesn’t make it any easier knowing that it could take years and years to fix it. That is why fantasy land is so appealing. It is like an instant pick me up. I feel great about myself because she showers me with attention, but it isn’t real. And that realization hurts as well.
I know the people whose lives we devastated with our selfish actions are in shambles and they are hurting. I cannot imagine what it must be like. I know the amount of shame and guilt I have piled on myself is almost unbearable. I have built up walls and isolated myself because of my destructive behaviors. I don’t want to hurt other people again and I also don’t want to see people or go places that will trigger it all again. I think that may be a tall order without completely shutting down.
Well enough complaining for one day and one with my story. After I deleted the app I downloaded a few others but none of them were social apps, just fun time wasters. One night I was watching a story about the winter Olympics that were going on at the time. the story was about an app that the athletes were suing to hook up with each other. It was location-based and very shallow. I looked it up and eventually I downloaded the Tinder app. This was another bad step on my part. I had downloaded what is really an app for hook-ups. Well it was pretty fun at first. I would travel all over and use the app as I went. The way it works is you see someone’s picture and you either swipe right for yes or left for no. It is a pretty shallow way to match people but for what they are looking for it probably is perfect. Well I set my standards pretty high and was very selective about who I chose. I did not do anyone close to home. I did now want it to follow me home (another red flag). So I started getting lots of matches with some very attractive women. Women that I would have considered way out of my league, but for some reason they thought I was attractive.
I took this app everywhere and loved just swiping away. Finding the wide range of people who found me attractive. It was an instant self-esteem boost and a huge downer at the same time. I just kept thinking to myself that why do all these women find me attractive but my wife doesn’t. Again I should have sat her down and asked her that very question, but I didn’t. I mean really how do you say “Look at all these women who find me attractive on this hook-up app. Why don’t you find me attractive when they do?” I just couldn’t find a way to say it without hurting her feelings. But I guess in hindsight that little hurt is nothing compared with what we are going through now.
So I just kept swiping and swiping. Obviously people started messaging me and wanted to hold conversations. I picked a few ones far enough away that they would not just up and come visit. We would chat for a while and flirt and it was fun and made me feel wanted again. But eventually they all wanted to meet and get my number to text me. That is when I would fade away into the sunset. Some of those were very fun conversations.
And then the I made a huge mistake. Actually a collection of mistakes. First ,I violated one of my rules. I think this was by accident. I swiped right instead of left on a particular girl. How did I violate my rules? Well I had a rule that if they hid their face then I wasn’t interested. She had her face blocked in every picture. So normally it would be a left swipe but for some reason I went right. This was the beginning of the Other Woman. She challenged me to a duel of wit and sarcasm as per my heading on my picture. I figured what the hell would it hurt. It is not like I will ever see this person. Boy was I wrong.
Well I have to go because I am about to pass out from the amount of drugs I have been taking. I will have more tomorrow.
Today I shall behave, as if this is the day I will be remembered – Dr. Seuss