I am on the road for work this weekend so this may be a pretty short post. I am trying to do this on my tablet which I hate using. I asked my wife to come this weekend so we might get some grown-up alone time. We farmed out the kids and then yesterday everything went to shit. In the end we had to bring two of our kids with us and so it pretty much defeats the purpose of the weekend. Not much I can do about it now. So I will try and continue with the story of why I cheated.
Last time I had mentioned that I was starting to figure out that other people were starting to find me attractive (at least in my head). As I was percieving this new attention things were not improving with my wife. I still related a lot of how much she valued me by our sex life. Then again I didn’t get much reassurance in other areas of my life either. And because this was all rather new to me the new attention made me feel good, but frustrated me as well.
After a particularly tough week where she was gone for a day or so I read an article that your bedroom needed to be a sanctuary for my wife and I. It should be a place were as soon as we enter helps us relax and reminds of us our love for each other. I had the good idea if changing our bedroom to make it this type of room.
Our room at the time was were we wwould bring all our clean laundry and fold it, so there was always clothes laying around. She had her sewing table in there with a number of half finished projects. And piles of papers that needed to be filed or gone through. So I spent the day redoing our bedroom. I took care of all the laundry and all the piles of stuff. I moved her sewing stuff downstairs and brought in a small cute chair that we can relax in. I bought a new bedding set that were colors that she would like and I rearranged where everything went. It was perfect. It looked like a whole new room. All the constant reminders of all the things we still needed to get done were gone. The chair was perfect because it allowed us a place just to escape to for five or ten minutes to get that quick break.
She came home and loved the room but it didn’t quite have the affect I was looking for. Instead it became a place where she would run to in order to escape her life. She could go there and sleep and not be reminded of what still needed to be done. It didn’t bring us closer and then after a month or so laundry started to fill the chair and other intrusions also made their way into the room. It stead of a relaxing sanctuary where we could grow closer it was a wedge driving us farther apart. I took it as she did not want to spend quality time with me. This is also when she started letting our youngest snuggle in bed with her until he fell asleep. The problem…she fell asleep as well. So I never saw her anymore and to me it was her way of coping being married to me.
I did not know what to do. If we talked about it she would feel extremely guilty and then I got pity attention for a short time. I hate that because I knew she really didn’t want to be with me instead she was doing it just to appease me. It just made me frustrated, angry, feeling unwanted and just generally unloved. My response was to keep slowly pulling out of our marriage. I stopped going out of my way to work on us. I stopped reading and researching ways to make your marriage better and closer. Instead I just avoided alone time. We stopped having sex but every couple of months and it was nothing spectacular. I still felt like it was pity sex and usually I just could not hold out any longer and would try and then it as the same guilt conversation. The cycle was drawing.
One day as I was driving home from my commute I came across a app to meet other people. I could view peoples pictures and decide if they were a match for me. This app was “meet me”. There were some serious freaks on there. Holy shit! I thought it was an online community of “only at wal-mart people” and people you only see at state fairs. I found it more entertaining than anything else. I liked a few people but most I just ignored. After a couple of weeks I had a few dozen matches of people I thought were out of my league. I would chat with a few here and there but one drew me in particular. She was funny and cute and we seemed to really have a good time chatting back and forth. We only chatted on my drive and we never really disclosed to much personal information. I eventually gather enough info to Facebook stalk her. I didn’t do anything with the info, I was just curious. We talked for a few months and I noticed I was much more pleasant at home. I felt good about myself because my ego was being fed. I was happier and even my kids noticed it.
I thought this was a perfect setup. I really believed I had no intention of ever meeting her and she never pushed to meet me. We were both content with what we were getting. It seemed to take the edge off my marital problems and my wife and I were getting along better. We still were not very active in the bedroom but when she denied me it wasn’t such a big deal because I knew there was at least someone else who found me attractive and good company.
Well one day I get a message that says she is getting too many shitty propositions on this app so she is going to delete it. She said she never gives out her number but she would like to keep talking to me so she put it in the message. I just stared at it for a long time. This seemed like it was crossing a line I did not think I wanted to cross. I decided to think about it. Later that night I decided that I would look one more time and then decide. Well she had deleted her account and with it went all our messages between us, including the one with her number.
After a few days I can’t say that I missed her so much as the attention she provided. I had a few others that would chat but most could not really hold a decent conversation. So I eventually deleted the app as well. Well my marriage went back to what it was and probably worse. I finally knew that I wanted someone to really enjoy my company for who I am. I wanted someone who wanted the same from me.
Well, I had better end it here as this is another step in the wrong direction. This was a perfect time to tell my wife that I wanted someone who cared about as much about me as I did and probably more so, and she should expect no less. Instead I shut my mouth, worked more and avoided home as much as I could.
Don’t worry I still have a host of more mistakes that I make on my way to infidelity.
Unless Someone Like You Cares A Whole Awful Lot. Nothing Is Going To Get Better. It’s Not – Dr. Seuss