So I went out on a limb yesterday and asked my wife out on a date. I did it because I was feeling crappy and I thought getting out of the routine just might help us. Some of you might ask “Why is it so special to go out with your wife?”, well because I cheated on her. It is pretty simple. She found out about all of my infidelity about 7-8 weeks ago. She new parts of it in early November, but it wasn’t all out in the open until the end of January. So there are a lot of things going on here that neither of us understand. We also don’t get a lot of time for ourselves with 3 kids in the house so i thought it would be a good for us.
She agreed to go with me and we just went to a movie after my daughters band festival. A simple time to spend with each other but not needing to speak, because sometimes that is hard. After we got home we laid in bed and talked for a while. She seems to actually be taking this easier than I have and that worries me. I keep waiting for the bomb to go off and for her to wake up and kick me out, kill me in my sleep, or worse…. She has definitely had her share of yelling and screaming but once that was over she seems to have moved on and wants to work on us.
The thought sometimes makes me want to throw-up. Not because that is what I don’t want but because I wish I wouldn’t have put us in this position. As we talked she asked me to go to marriage counseling again. It is not the first time. In the last year we have seen three. The first lasted one session and we both agreed never to go back. The guy was a nut case. Going into the building we had to sign a form with our “registration packet” that promised we would not bring guns into the facility. “WTF!! Are you kidding me?” Then we met him and he was a treat. Older gentleman and at least according to his diploma and all the books on the wall he specialized in drug and alcohol rehabilitation. Why is he seeing us then? His office was a mess. He had a large open box of toilet seat liners on a chair behind his desk. He did not really listen to us instead he just said fill out these work sheets and we will talk about them next time. i was happy that we both agreed there would not be a next time.
She picked another and she went by herself for the first time. She really liked the lady because she reminder her of her mother. We went for a few months and I don’t know that we ever got anywhere. Everything we talked about with her we had already talked to each other before at home. Communication is usually not our problem. So it was very slow going. Finally one session my wife couldn’t make it and I went by myself. We talked about a few things but I am not the talkative type. About 15 minutes into our hour long session she told me not to bother coming back until we made a decision on where our marriage was going and if I didn’t have anything else to talk about we can just end early. Great, I thought that was why we came, so we could figure out how to save the marriage or split up peacefully. She could help us figure out where our marriage was going and maybe steer it back in the right direction. How silly of me to think that. So that was the last time we saw her.
The last one we both thought was going to work out. She was nice and friendly and did not seem to be judgmental. We saw her both separate and together and during this time is when the first part of my affair was discovered. My affair was not a long affair, but it was both an emotional and physical affair. I had a relationship with another woman. It lasted 6-8 months. From that point forward I did not feel she would listen to me at all. I felt judged and like I was up against a brick wall. So I told my wife that I could not go back. I told her why and she understood, but was hurt because she did not know where that would leave us. She really liked her but I could not do it. I told her she could continue to see her alone but she refused. She thought she would be too embarrassed to go by herself if i wasn’t going to be part of the process. So we floated along for a while and then decided to work on ourselves if we weren’t going to work on the marriage. That led me to my current counselor who, so far, has really worked out. She has a separate counselor who she seems to like.
Well, I told her that I don’t know that I am ready to go back to marriage counseling. I don’t know if I can go back to anyone and go though all of it again. Then I felt guilty because it might be what she needs and how she needs to heal and move past all of this and move on. I know I can’t move on but maybe she can, I know we have tried a number of different things.
Last I left off she has sunk into a hole of depression and I was trying everything I could to get her out. She had gained weight from her last pregnancy and I know that ate at her. She felt fat and was not comfortable in her own skin. She would try many different diets and workouts but nothing would work because she could not stick with them. I would try to support without nagging but that is a fine line and I was treading very carefully. Luckily she was offered a job at a local workout facility running their preschool and I pushed her to take it. This would provide her with the opportunity to get out, interact with more adults, and maybe she would find something she liked that would help her.
By the time she found this I was already gone. I had checked out because I could not stand to watch her try and fail again only to fall deeper into her depression. She told me this time it was different because she was motivated for a different reason. I believe that she knew at this point I was already checking out of our marriage. I did not want to be home and when I was I would avoid her. I helped the kids and the house work but I was out of the relationship. I had decided that I wanted to be wanted. I needed to feel like someone actually wanted me around. I know she was depressed and her medication was helping and this new job and all of it seemed to be going in the right direction, but I had seen it all before and did not have any faith that it would succeed.
I know this was one of my biggest mistakes. I should have always been her biggest supporter and advocate no matter how many times she failed. Why? Because she was still trying, she was fighting for herself and I could only think of me. But I think I was hurt and by this point felt so unwanted that I just could put myself in that position. I had tried and tried to help and she had rejected me time and time again throughout our marriage that I honestly believed she no longer loved me. I came to the conclusion that she stayed with me for kids and stability. I really believe that if we had lived near her family she would be gone.
This is where I really started to make bad decisions. They were little ones at first but then they seemed to snowball until I was caught in an avalanche and was just trying to stay alive.
I fell asleep last night thinking about all this and how I don’t know if I can relive it again with a marriage counselor. Especially with my privacy issues. I don’t know how much I can share with anyone else. The more people know the worse it can get. The thought of it terrifies me, but I know if I want this to work, to begin to mend what I have broken I may just have to walk that line. Just very carefully…
Step With Care And Great Tact. And Remember That Life Is A Great Balancing Act – Dr. Seuss