Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple…. Or are they?

dr__seuss_quote_by_freax456-d59e55oWell here goes…

I have decided to start this blog about me having an affair.  I have been reading many different blogs from all different perspectives but what I think is missing from most of them is “Why?”  “Why risk losing all you have for cheap dirty sex?  Why risk losing the love of your life, the person your promised to cherish and love until death?”  Well, I cannot speak for every one but I will give you my story and hopefully it may help someone out there.  I know writing it all down will help me to figure it all out because right now my head is so messed up I have a hard time driving to the store without getting lost.  Writing help me organize my thoughts and then I can find a direction.

Today I am preparing to go to see my therapist.  I never thought I would need one.  I have always been in control of myself.  My thoughts, actions, emotions all under my control.  That was who I was until about a year ago.  That person is gone.  Dead and I killed him.  That is sad because I really liked him I liked Old Me.  I am pretty unsure what to think of the New Me yet.  I have been seeing my therapist for since November and last week was the first time we made any progress.  Why?  I am a very private person and do not open up to anyone.  I actually went into our first meeting with a list of questions.  I basically held an interview for my first session.  I knew I needed someone that I could actually talk to, tell them everything and they would not judge.  I have never had someone like that in my life so I wanted to know this person.

You are probably thinking “You were married to the love of your life and you could not tell her everything, obviously you could not have really loved her because with love comes trust.”  I agree, it is not that I couldn’t have told her everything about me, I just didn’t need her to hurt like I had and feel bad for me.  I came from a very rough childhood and was very grateful to escape.  So I really needed someone I could tell everything to.  Luckily he passed the test.

Anyways, I am preparing to go see my therapist and he gave me homework on guilt.  I have an enormous amount of it piled on me.  And every time I look at my wife it just adds more to it.  He says I need to let it go but that is not something I do.  I don’t ever let things go.  So I started the homework and am failing.  I cannot figure it out.  It does not make sense.  I am a smart person and I cannot figure out a few questions about myself.  Probably because I really don’t know who I am any more.  The Old Me, I killed, and the New Me is so different I don’t know what to make of him.  I hope I can figure it out.

Now most blogs/help articles are directed at the person who was cheated on and rightly so.  But being on the other end of it I can tell you it is not easy here either.  I know you are saying “Well you did the crime, you do the time.”  Trust me when I tell you I am paying for it every minute of every day.  So I want to share the other side of it.  Not to excuse the “crime” (there is no excuse), but to show that we are not all stupid lying bastards (even though we were part of the time). Instead I want to show you that sometimes you just get lost in the desert and it is hard to find a way out.  And when a mirage appears you think it is worth going and seeing, but in the end there is really nothing there but more desert and usually it makes everything much worse.  You are just more tired and thirsty than if you stayed where you were.  I am not on here looking for forgiveness or trying to justify my actions.  I am also not looking for anyone’s pity or their judgement.  I am here to tell my story.  Every story is different and each affair has its own back story but there are always some similarities so if you get something from this great.  If it helps you even better. If you like it or find it entertaining then welcome aboard. If you hate it and me, I don’t really care.  I have enough hate in my life to worry about yours.  I just want to show that we are all not heartless bastards who don’t care or think about other people’s feelings.  So with all that being said, Welcome to my inside of my head.  It will be a dark and scary place so buckle up I guarantee it will be bumpy.

First let me tell you a little about myself.  I am almost 40 and have been married 20 years.  It will be 21 this year.  If you were to meet me you would probably find me as an easy-going likable guy.  I am not going to really put myself out there but if I am put in social situations I can be entertaining and very likable.  I call it my social double.  I don’t use him very much because he feels fake.  My social double is much different from Normal Me or at least the Old Normal Me.  Old Normal Me is very shy, reserved and will not try new things.  Just give it to me the same every time and I will be happy.  The two don’t really get along.

My wife is a loving lady that everyone adores.  While she does not have a lot of close friends she does have quite a few people she can hang out with if she desired.  She was the only person I ever dated.  We dated for two years in high school then got married right after.  I have always thought she was way out of my league.  It was definitely a step up from where I thought I would land.  I came from a very poor and difficult background but that is a story for another day.  She is beautiful, inside and out and I am still surprised she chose me and is still here.  I have always thought this.  Why then would I risk losing her by cheating?  My rational side screamed that at me all the time, but I had pushed that voice away by that point, far away where it was only a whisper.

I wish I had a great answer to the question of “Why?” but really I don’t have a great answer.  I think it was a combination of things that created “the perfect storm”.  It was not a short path to get where I ended up and I can see all the wrong paths I chose along the way.  That is what happens when you let me drive the crazy bus.  It kind of sounds like a pity party, “Oh, you were lonely and felt bad about yourself, boo hoo!”.  Instead my rational side says “You thought you were lonely then and felt bad about yourself, well look at you now.  And I told you so!”

I will try and start my story and see where it goes.  It is ongoing and some pieces I am still just realizing, but here goes nothing:

About 5 years into our marriage we had our first child.  At the same time we moved thousands of miles from all our friends and family.  It was a difficult time for both of us, but because I was not close to my family it hit her harder.  It probably went like this

My wife: “Hey mom, we are moving a couple of thousand miles away to take a chance on our future.”

Her mom: “Great for you.  I really hope it works out and know we will always be here for you.”

My wife: “Oh and by the way I am pregnant with your first grandchild.”

Her mom: “Oh that’s nice dea….What? What?” and then she probably passed out.

I doubt it went exactly like that but it was probably pretty close.  Fast forward and now we have 3 kids and still live thousands of miles away from her family.  We figured out about 5 years ago about her anxiety and depression and she started on some medication, unfortunately she is not the best at remembering to take it all the time.  This always brings out my frustrated side – “It is a silly pill that you take every morning.  How hard is it to remember that???” but I squash the voice down and try and find a way to help.

My wife has struggled with depression since the year after our second child was born.  Did we know it was depression at the time?  Nope.  It sure would have helped to know but instead we just assumed a lot of other things.  We had been married about 7 years at this point and we lived thousands of miles away from both our families.  She slowly slid deeper and deeper into a depressive state as the years went by.  I really mean slowly because we did recognize that it was as bad as it was until it was too late. I tried everything I could think of to make her happy. I bought her a business that she wanted to run and she did love that and it helped.  It gave her a chance to get out of the house.  I helped more around the house.  I gave her nights away with her friends.  The funny thing is if you don’t treat depression it just gets worse and that is exactly what happened.

A few years ago her depression got to its worst point. I still did not really understand that it was depression or how depression worked.  I just thought “Why can’t you just be happy?  Look at everything we have,  3 wonderful kids, a roof over our heads and each other.”  She would come home and take naps that would last 3 or 4 hours, get up put the kids to bed and then go back to bed. The kids got used to being quiet when they got home from school because they knew she would be sleeping most of the time. Our relationship was struggling because of this as well.  Our sex life was non-existent and as she put it, she thought we were leading two separate lives.  I was basically working 2 full-time jobs but my hours were flexible so I was around to help out when the kids were home from school.  But when they would go to bed, she would as well and I would go and relax in front of the TV or do more work.  So sometimes it felt like we never saw each other.  We tried to do different things to make time for ourselves but something always seemed to get in the way.

This was frustrating for both of us but seeing her like she was was painful. So I did what I did best I let my fix-it side take over and try and make it all better.  I took over doing the house work, bills, dinners, anything I could do so she would not be as stressed and want to be part of our family again.  The fix-it side was always the one who fixed everything.  If my kids had a bad day, I would help them get through it with laughs and smiles.  Need help with homework, lets sit down and get at it.  If my daughter and wife got into a fight (which they did often, both are too stubborn) I would get them to calm down and see each others point of view and then everyone would go to bed happy.

It seemed the only person who I could not make happy or fix was my wife.  She always seemed so miserable.  She would have good days and bad days, but mostly bad days.  I tried and tried to make her happy but eventually I decided that I was not what would make her happy.  I was the lone factor that didn’t change over the years so it must be me that is making her unhappy.  It was my self-destructive side that came up with the idea – “She sleeps to avoid you.  Whenever you try and have sex she turns you down because she is not attracted to you.  She was always out of your league and now she realizes it.  You are screwed buddy.”

These thoughts would come up over and over.  I would try and talk to her about it but it usually ended up having the focus about sex and not just my wanting to know that she did indeed want me around.  Then she would feel guilty and then try to have sex with me and then I did not want it because it was only because she felt guilty, not because she wanted me.  It was a frustrating cycle. I don’t know if you can imagine but having the only person you have known and loved to constantly reject you and avoid you will destroy you.  She was everything I had ever known.  Growing up my home life was miserable so she was the first person that I ever loved and the first person I ever felt really loved me.

The funny thing is if anyone saw us we looked like the perfect couple.  We would comment on how affectionate we were to each other and how cute it was that we still loved each other so much after all these years.  I loved these comments but I also knew how we really were, this version of us never came into the house.

So you may be thinking that this is what led me to cheat.  Well, you would be wrong.  I am not quite that stupid.  I have made stupid decisions but it took a lot more than that to make me do what I did.  It took a lot more to blind me and make me stupid.

Right now, this very minute I feel so sad remembering all the things that I used to have, that I gave up, that I ruined, that I destroyed.  I push my feelings away because I am good at that.  I can hide my feelings and push them away and put everyone else before me.  I did that for her, for my kids, hell I did it for friends and neighbors.  I was always the guy you could call for help and I would come.

Today I am not that person.  I actually like New Me less now than I liked Old Me.  And a lot of the attention New Me is getting is not the kind of attention I was looking for but I deserve it all because in the end I did not do what I had promised I would do and that was honor and cherish her through all the good times and bad.  We have had our share of both but I really led us into a shit storm this time.

So to answer the question: Why? – loneliness?, poor self-esteem?, ultimately I think it was because I was not strong enough to do what was right.  I took the easy road, the path I thought would be the most simple for everyone and instead it was a path of darkness and despair.

So right now you probably either have any feelings of anger, disgust, and hatred towards me, I know I do or feeling of pity and recognition.  Both I understand and don’t want.  I will continue my journey shortly. But I am out of time.

So… as a famous doctor once wrote “Sometimes the questions are complicated but the answers are simple.” – Dr Seuss

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in Coffee Affair, March 2015 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

56 Responses to Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple…. Or are they?

  1. iblogforus says:

    You said something that is so simple, yet it sparked something in me… You were speaking of your self-destructive side and how that side put the idea in your head that she “Sleeps to avoid you…” That clicked with me and made me realize something in myself. I’m still realizing it, but it’s given me something to think about. Thank you.

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  2. tjeanes569 says:

    I’m going through a separation where I know he cheated and maybe still cheating, but I know that the cheating isn’t our problem. He claims to want to work on our relationship but still is seeing this other woman. When I confront him, he denies everything but adds that it doesn’t matter. I’m so confused by his behavior. If he wants to work on our relationship and I forgive the infidelity (although he denies it) why does he continue to see the other woman? Just trying to get your perspective.

    abandonedat45.com

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    • bac4sccr says:

      I can only tell you from my current experience that I can not get back into my marriage if I have any contact with the OW. It is like a drug that takes you to fantasy land. There are no day to day responsibilities, dishes, laundry, bills… I talked with her a little after D-Day but it wasn’t until she was completely gone that I could start working on my marriage again. And we have a long way to go. As bad as it sounds maybe ask him what he really wants. And when he tells you ask him how he is going to get it. If he wants you and the marriage then the how should be removing her and begin the healing process. I don’t know if this makes sense but for my situation it does. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey bac4sccr, welcome to the blogosphere. As a BS, I’m fascinated to read your perspective. My husband is just so couple of years older than you, and you and your wife have been together almost as long as my husband and I have. I see lots of similarities between our stories. I too suffer depression, and often crash out when the kids do. It’s like watching a car crash about to happen… Good luck with your blogging, I’ll be reading from the sidelines. SWxo

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    • bac4sccr says:

      Thanks. It has been hard and I am glad my wife finally recognized she needed help (that I couldn’t give her) and made some changes in her life to make her better. So far it has been making us better. Good luck and feel free to pick my brain at anytime.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. dommehouse says:

    Your comment, “So to answer the question: Why? – loneliness?, poor self-esteem?, ultimately I think it was because I was not strong enough to do what was right;” I found that interesting. I realise that I am behind, and you have come further along than just your first post, but I wanted to say: cut yourself some slack. I know you probably won’t, I can see a bit of that in your writings. You’re the White Knight. You’re the one who rides in to save damsels, you just want to fix it and make it all better. You couldn’t slay this dragon, maybe because, from what I’m reading here, you didn’t even understand the dragon for YEARS. Depression is evil and sneaky, and since it’s not binary (“I have a cold,”/ “I don’t have a cold”), it’s all the more elusive.

    But, and I can’t stress this enough, you really seem to hate yourself. Your wife was out of your league? Did you ever tell her that? Did she think maybe she was lucky to have a man who stood by her during her depression? I don’t excuse the cheating, but I also don’t know that side of it, yet. But, for what it’s worth, my husband left me in early labour in hospital, I almost lost our baby, and he tells me that I have no right to “guilt” him over it. That’s not a man who loved me. You loved your wife, but it seems like you felt powerless, and that’s a tough place for you to be. If you can’t fix it for her, then what do you bring to the table? I like this blog; it’s interesting, and I really wish you all the best, because I think you deserve it.

    Liked by 3 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      Thanks. Everyday seems to be an adventure. I just wait and see what kind, a fun amusement park or the horror house.

      As for you questions, yes I told her that. I always thought she was beautiful but every compliment was dismissed by her. Now I call her out in it and tell her just to thank people for the compliments. As for standing by her during the depression it is the worst thing to see. You are so helpless.

      I could not imagine being in your shoes. I was terrified something would happen to my wife or kids when they were born. I did not leave her side except when the moved the baby out of the room to examine them. I slept in the chair for 3 days. Held my kids and waited on my wife for every need, including getting food snuck in. Those days still make me smile. I wish you the best of luck and feel free to comment often. I really like the feedback, both good and bad. I am not perfect and I know it. I just want to move in the right direction and eventually everything will work itself out.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Hello, I love it when I run across a new perspective, it helps me grow and that is my goal. Your completely different (your repentant and trying to start over) an but did many similar things to my ex-husband. One thing I remember my ex saying was – he did the things he did because he felt so empty that he would have done anything to feel again, even though he knew it was wrong and hurtful to us. I think that might apply to your situation. I empathize with you even though I know the hurt your wife is feeling. I would like to think you can work this out, with lots and lots of trying and if you and your wife have the same goal. I am glad your writing, I also find it clears my mind and the feedback and reading others blogs are so helpful. I have moved forward without my ex-husband, but there was a time there I could have forgiven him (if he had actually stopped seeing his girlfriend and the rest of the hookers, and been honest with me) so I know forgiveness at the level your looking for is possible. Keep up therapy and writing, I want to see you succeed, so I am going to follow you and say a little prayer that you find the strength and happiness you need to make it over and back to who you want to be.

    Oh, and those comments about feeling awful when turned down for sex, that was so powerful for me, I was also rejected so many times, I cannot count, and it hurt me to the core as well. I forgot all about that until I read your post – amazing how the mind can heal itself.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. em4minions says:

    i’m realizing how life is not black & white. how he is hurting just as much as i am. how our actions & inaction have brought us to this point. i am realizing that i don’t have to make him the bad guy. that we are both just human. best of all, i am realizing that it is not too late to work on our relationship.
    it is nice to hear your perspective. thank you for sharing it.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This may seem lazy, but ditto to what dommehouse said…really. I find this blog interesting. I only started reading it today. Cut yourself some slack, please. Not for me (we don’t know each other), but for yourself. You got married quite young, after only dating her. This isn’t me trying to convince you that you were ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Rough childhoods really need to be addressed in therapy, with a good therapist, IMO. I definitely had one and am lucky to have the world’s best therapist, after years of having some of the world’s worst. Depending on the circumstances, they (rough childhoods) can be emotionally stunting at a young age. I hope that time with your therapist will help with some of that stuff, taking some of the focus away from your relationship with her and maybe help you know yourself better than you ever have. I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m negatively criticizing you–I’m not at all. It’s great that you’re expressing your emotions some, and moving away from everything that’s purely rational.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      You don’t sound negative at all. Feel free to speak your mind as I enjoy hearing other people’s perspectives. It makes me feel like there are different options out there that I don’t know about yet. Hopefully you continue reading.

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  8. Quizzical says:

    My guess is that there is something missing in your current relationship that that someone else is providing for you. Yes sex may be one but some may be running from certain comments that the 3rd person provides freedom. Etc etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Yes, I was missing a lot more than just sex. Now the trick is finding it all again.

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      • Quizzical says:

        Also I just thought that if there are children involved and

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      • Quizzical says:

        I also had another ‘wonder’. If there are children involved, as a partner you tend to loose power in the relationship. The power to protect your spouse as you can only watch on as she trundles through pregnancy and are helpless through delivery. As the working spouse can’t be there to support their partner during difficult days with the kids. You automatically feel left behind as your family grow together. You can sometimes feel more like house mates and friends. It can be hurtful to feel that you are not the strong protector anymore. Also in a way it may feel that there is an element of feeling cheated on because she has love for the children as well. A third party. No idea but I’ll go with that. Keeping a solid, secure loving foundation for the kids is the best thing. Show them that you can still soar and love life to the fullest no matter the ups and downs. That we are all resilient… Sorry I’ll stop now, I got on a bit of a roll! Hope it’d not offensive or too nosey!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. porncahontas says:

    Last week, I slept with two married men. I never wanted to be that woman because a third woman destroyed my parents’ marriage. But you know what, that doesn’t make me a bad person, it’s not like I’m going to snatch theae men away from their wives. I need to write a bloody good post about being the third woman, how I don’t want these men, like how the articles I’ve read are more for wives who got cheated on. I’m beginning to love your blog – a different perspective.

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  10. fairytalefailure says:

    I am new to the blog world, in that I just started writing my own story, but I have been reading and searching for hope for months – and have found many others whose stories are interchangeable with my own. What I haven’t found in my months of reading is the other side of our coin. Your story sounds a lot like the one I suspect my husband would tell, if he were able to express his feelings. The key difference is that he ended his relationship with HER before I found out. I’m not convinced it hurts me less.
    Anyway, he similarly tells me that I was out of his league and he was convinced I didn’t love him anymore, based on his own interpretations of our situation. He wasn’t looking for someone else’s attention, but it felt so good when she showed up with it that he began to need her company to feel better.
    I’ve read what you shared about your wife’s concerns about being able to meet your needs, and I share them with regard to my husband. In ten years, what if someone else pays attention and he likes it? Is that where setting the foundation and expectation of disclosure comes in? I feel like I’m fighting a war against an unknown enemy…for a person who may not even want to be fought for in the long run.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      I can understand your concern and frustration. I will say that I have always looked for my wife’s attention first and did so many things (although the wrong things) to gain it.

      What I have learned, and I am far from done learning about all this, is that while we were communicating, we really weren’t. I wanted attention but I could not put into words what kind of attention I wanted. I still have trouble with it. Half the time I don’t even know if I know what attention I want, but I do know I want it from her. So, I right now we are trying by just communicating more about how we are feeling. We are trying to be brutally honest. It helps and it hurts.

      Now, I don’t know if your husband is like me, but from what you have written we seem to have very similar personalities. It is interesting about how you describe him because I think that is how my wife would mostly describe me, I am quiet and not very outgoing which maybe is why we both crave the attention from our spouse but also do not know how to ask for it. I know I feel selfish asking for it and also that if I have to ask for it then does she really want to give it to me. That is my struggle, but our constant communication is helping with that.

      I really feel for both of you as it is one of the worst things I have had to endure in my life and I know it will haunt me forever, just as I am sure it has changed my wife forever.

      Feel free to ask me any questions you may have. I find this medium very easy for me to communicate about my situation. You can also email me if you would rather ask questions that way. I know some people feel more comfortable that way.

      Good luck and take one day at a time.

      Liked by 2 people

      • fairytalefailure says:

        I think what I connect to and find oddly hopeful in your posts is that a lot of what my husband has told me in trying to work through the reasons (not excuses, which you also seem to be clear about) is just not what I have read as possible reasons and explanations and certainly never speaks to his reflections about the affair. For example, of course the desire for more attention from your wife was a contributing factor (he has told me that he just wanted HERE more, though I didn’t feel like we spent a lot of time apart) but when you said you couldn’t (and still can’t, sometimes) say exactly what kind of attention you wanted, I think that’s some of his struggle also. Kind of like he didn’t know he wanted that u til it was there, and then he was seeing all of these things going on in our lives so differently than they actually were, or even different than how he sees them now. Maybe that’s affair fog, but he tells me he didn’t love her and what he did like is her unconditional admiration and also the ability to control her (long story). However, one comment I read that I wanted to ask about further, if you don’t mind, is when you say that you don’t really know the person you were then and it’s frustrating to not understand why you did the things you did. He has told me the exact same thing and he seems to feel frustrated that he can’t explain his own thoughts and actions. I’ve thought this was maybe his way of not talking about it, but honestly, I’ve read all of your posts and I think that you and he are a lot alike, so I thought I would ask about that more. Additionally, while he has only had this one affair, he has hidden previous interactions from females with me, and when pressed he can only say that he is a bit embarrassed to tell me about it and that he doesn’t want to upset me. But he will do things like delete Christmas emails from co-workers. I am wondering if he’s kind of always had a little bit of that need hiding and then, as you say, the perfect storm was there. Your blog gives me hope that he might be feeling the way that you do if he is expressing some of it, and this is truly uncharted territory. Thanks for reading my rambling.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. woundedraven says:

    Thank you for having the courage to share your perspective. I definitely respect you for putting yourself out there and providing the betrayed spouses a little glimpse into a mindset we have become obsessed with trying to understand. I was definitely struck by your comments about convincing yourself that your wife was out of your league or not attracted to you. My husband has created an alternate history of our marriage with a recurring theme that is quite similar. At first I thought that maybe he was taking the easy route by concocting this ridiculous version of our marriage to justify his behavior but after reading this post, I do see that maybe he silently felt he was not getting the attention from me he needed and began to truly see himself as somehow unworthy. At one point shortly after DD v.1, I asked him “what did you think was going to happen when I found out?” and he replied “I thought you would be happy. I knew you hated me.” I was livid and believed this to be a blame-switching tactic but now, 4 months later I am more open to the possibility that perhaps there was a long path of self-destruction he was experiencing that led to his affair(s) and that I was blind to. In any event, I thank you for providing an honest alternate perspective and I look forward to following your journey. Best wishes xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Pingback: Crazy Is The New Me….Like It Ever Wasn’t | Surviving the affair….the cheaters perspective

  13. After reading your blog title I felt like I should know where you started from as someone whose been cheated on in several relationships. What I found interesting is that I didn’t find myself judging you once, just extremely curious at your perspective and for your story. I can probably attribute this to not being personally connected, but probably the biggest reason is because the impression I got is that you wanted to work through it. Like a puzzle needing to be solved and the pieces fit back together. I am intrigued to see what your blog is like more recently now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Unfortunately you won’t find too much recent writing as I am on a little hiatus. I wish some things were easy but that never seems to be my luck. Maybe someday soon I will update the blog and let people know where things have landed almost 2 years since it all began.

      Thanks for reading and feel free to ask or comment as I still pay attention, I just don’t write.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. PMu says:

    I came across your blog after you followed mine (thank you by the way). I haven’t read all of it but am finding it a very challenging and honest read. Challenging because I am the child of a divorced marriage where infidelity was the catalyst, and have spent my whole life feeling the repercussions of an act I had no part in. I am trying to read without judgement and it is difficult. I almost didn’t post anything but I just wanted to say that if nothing else, I honour your frankness and your self-awareness. It is unusual to read such a raw story from this angle and it is helping me come to terms with some of the baggage in my own family so thank you for that too.

    While I might not be ale to continue reading, I hope you continue posting.

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    • bac4sccr says:

      Feel free to read and judge. I don’t write to get the thoughts out of my head and make sense of my own world. If it can help you by reading and judging then don’t stop.

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      • PMu says:

        That’s a kind offer, but I have learnt that passing judgement on anything rarely helps.
        For what it’s worth (which is probably not much seeing as I am a complete stranger) I hope you are able to find a judgement free space, even if it is only for 5mins a day

        Liked by 1 person

  15. I have not even finished reading this first post and I feel extremely tempted to say that you my friend I being extremely hard on yourself. I know what it feels to be cheated on. It’s like the one person you love the most had just died. But…….a huge but…..something must have been wrong in the marriage that prompted you to seek out someone else. Every relationship is 100/100 please please please do not place full blame on yourself alone. it wouldn’t be fair. OK I will continue reading, I just wanted to say that before I lost my train of thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. OK I finished reading….to me it’s very simple, your emotional needs weren’t being met. Despite all the reasons, it simply comes down to that. I have met and spoken to many men that go through the exact same thing. It does not make you any less human, it does not mean you do not love your wife, it simply means that your emotional needs weren’t being met and therefor after a plethora of attempts to seek that exact thing from your wife, something that you desperately needed, you went and got it somewhere else. You get no judgement form me.

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    • bac4sccr says:

      I still think that this way was the wrong way. Don’t you think I should have just left? I know that is exactly how I feel, but I do love her and in my own perverse way talked myself into thinking it would help.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Leaving is something we always say we should do. But the way I see it, especially for men, is that leaving is not always an option. Especially when there are kids, a house, finances involved. I don’t know your personal situation but I do know that for many men, there is a lot at steak. Don’t even get me started on the family court system. Lets just say it’s not in your favor. I am not excusing the behavior by any means. I am just saying it is easier said than done. And I don’t believe you should beat yourself up because of it. My ex-husband cheated. I never cheated not once. he did though, multiple times. And I had to take a long hard look in the mirror, and claim accountability for my own contribution to those affairs.

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        • bac4sccr says:

          I agree it is much easier said than done and every situation is so different.

          I, however, do not think you contributed at all to the affairs. You certainly contributed to the state of your marriage that may have left it vulnerable for an affair but it was still a choice he had to make. It was a choice you did not have a say in.

          I am all for taking accountability in the relationship because that is where the issues were nesting but affairs are completely one sided.

          Liked by 1 person

          • That may be so….I certainly did not put a gun to his head and told him to cheat. But the way I understand the opposite gender is that intimacy is how they feel valued. When you completely take that away (which I did) that leaves a man completely vulnerable to unforeseen situations. We would love to say that things should have been communicated. This could have been fixed. Sure maybe, maybe he tried and I wasn’t listening because you know I was always right, I was the victim. Or maybe he felt alone and the one person that is supposed to have his back didn’t. Again like you said, every situation is different. But I am willing to bet that you didn’t deliberately hurt her. That maybe you were in a dark place and you needed someone. I think we spend so much time blaming ourselves and we over analyze the the should have’s and could haves and we could just spend that time to forgive ourselves and realize that we are just flawed human beings trying to stay on the right path.

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            • bac4sccr says:

              You are absolutely right. Things she did or did not do left me feeling alone and worthless. We both hold ourselves accountable for those problems. I recognize her part, as does she, in the demise of our marriage and we both see mine faults as well.

              And as you point out it really doesn’t help to blame. Instead, we are trying to recognize the flaws and then work to fix then together. It is tricky to do it without blaming, but not impossible. We just see it for what it is, the past and the path to healing. Drag too much down the path and you will never make it. Instead see what you need and let the rest go as you move forward.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Indeed. 🙂 Much love to you. I hope things work out. Thank you for sharing.

              Liked by 1 person

            • bac4sccr says:

              Thank you and I hope you find what you are looking for.

              Liked by 1 person

            • I only seek peace and self love. When you have that…anything is possible.

              Liked by 1 person

  17. Inside The Mind of Ty Lamarr says:

    This was a very interesting blog. I understand your feelings completely…but…I have a very different perspective. I read through some of the comments…but, wanted to write to you and ask you to check out my blog…I think it may change your perspective a bit. There aren’t that many entries…I suggest that you read…Marriage, Divorce, Child Support, and Dead Beat Daddies…What Happened To Your Alpha I & II…and Solutions For Women. I will warn you and anyone that reads my comment and decides to check out my blog…my content is abrasive…harsh…and if you are reading it expecting to feel good…you may walk away from it not feeling so good…but…it’s how I see things. I really hope that you take the time to check out what I have to say…it’s a much different look at things. Whether you do or not…I would like you to know that…because (generally speaking) Men are pretty clueless when it comes to women…we miss out on a whole lot of things…for us…we want things to make sense…we want to be able to fix problems (I am no different than you in that regard)…we want to feel like we have some control…we want to feel like we are loved in marriage…but…MANY MEN…are in marriages…feeling completely and utterly empty…giving their all…but getting minimal in return. I began talking to women about the way that many men that i’ve talked to felt…and…they were very surprised…what you describe…isn’t any different than how a lot of men feel. You are doing the responsible thing of…owning your faults…I look at things a tad bit different…meaning…none of us are perfect…I don’t try to be perfect…I just try to be honest about my imperfections…marriages often are cause and effect…just like life…an analogy or example I like to use is…”If you see someone everyday and you slap them in the face…then one day…that person gets tired of being slapped in the face…so they slap you first…or slap you back…YOU would be foolish to have issue with the other person for slapping you…after all…the reason YOU got slapped was because…it was YOU who was doing the slapping. Now…apply that to marriages…i’m speaking strictly from the Male perspective…A sexless marriage…or a marriage where sex is infrequent…is quite common…and many of the reasons given for why the wife doesn’t want to have sex…are also common. The problem with all of this is…Men don’t talk to each other enough…because that is an area that we like to keep to ourselves…if we shared information the way that women did…we would have a much better understanding of women…but…we don’t. I am not disregarding that your wife may have truly had Post Partum Depression…that too…is common…but…I’d be willing to bet that…there is a lot more to it than Depression…Depression is the result…what took place that caused this? Was it really having another child? Could it be that…wife started making assessments of her own life (at around the age of 30) and she wasn’t happy where she was? So many things to factor in and I could talk about them forever…I don’t know you or her or your exact situation…but…I do know women very well. I do know that sexless marriages for men are very common…take a look at my blogs…and feel free to continue this discussion.

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  18. Inside The Mind of Ty Lamarr says:

    Here is an excerpt from Marriage, Divorce, Child Support, and Dead Beat Daddies.

    Now…how many women have you encountered…with a story about their ex husband cheating? I’ve encountered many…in all of these encounters…I have never once heard a woman say that she was withholding sex frequently…and that was why her husband cheated…now…wait a minute…I am not condoning cheating…all I am saying is…if…you’re married…and your spouse is withholding…and not even making an effort to do anything…and you have to live through this for an extended period of time (which many do)…something is eventually going to happen…I say this because…a marriage is a partnership…it’s not the time to be selfish…sure…a headache…mentrual cycle…or being tired is expected…but…if it is a frequent thing…then…Ladies…you aren’t doing your part…and let’s also include…MANY times…withholding is used as punishment…a way to make your hubby do what you want him to do. It’s also VERY common…for married women to be out having affairs…all the while…husband wants intimacy…but she doesn’t…Now…who has more power in a marriage?”

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  19. galtz says:

    Remarkably, amidst all the ramblings, there actually is some really insightful shit among the giggles.

    Liked by 1 person

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